Biological Clock..... BUSTED!

It's amazing really.  The amount of time you can spend thinking about something and still miss one very important angle. Once you discover it though, it's like a key that turns a lock within your mind. Realizations come in the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times.

I had an epiphany the other day.  It came to me in my newsfeed on Facebook and I am seriously thankful to the friend that posted it for me to stumble upon.

Survey Reveals the "Ideal Age" for Women to Have Children - And It's Total Nonsense by Monica Bielanko

The writer addresses an important piece of this puzzle;  a generalized and accepted belief that there is an "ideal age" for women to become mothers.

We are anchored in our belief systems. Some of these we accepted without considering any other perspective, and until we sit down to reflect... we have no idea how limiting they can  be. I guess you really do have to be careful about what you buy into in life.

Way back when... in the very beginning; when I excitedly purchased pregnancy tests and baby name books. I gathered all the information I could on the subject. It was then I read the ideal age for a woman to conceive and bear children was her early 20's and the doctor's agreed.

Biological Clock - Vivienne Strauss

I was somewhere between 21 and 22 at the time.  I accepted this as fact.  I set my biological clock against the statistic.  I used it as my baseline when judging the likelihood of conception; and it was my guideline when I weighed how much hope would be acceptable at certain times.

As I get further away from that age; I tell myself my chances are just getting slimmer with every day that passes.

I hang on two key points;

• You are at least 9 years from your fertile prime.
• There is no way it's going to happen NOW if it didn't happen THEN.

That little voice.  It starts off with innocent hope and gets slammed with statistical reason.

Would it be a coincidence that this article popped up just days after my 33rd birthday?  I don't know but it sure was good timing for a change in perspective and one of the best things about life is that we can always start over.  No matter how old we are.

What if....

What if the Mr. and I waited until we were in our 30's to get married?

We could have waited. It's not like I was feeling pressure to get married BECAUSE I wanted to start having children at the ripe ol' age of 20.  I just knew that I wanted to spend my life with this person. So, I went ahead and made that commitment.  We were no where near "settled down."  We were working on getting established in our careers; we built a business and our home. We were also having a LOT of fun. Having a family, it was on the list but it wasn't actually scheduled anywhere in our master plan.  We just figured it would happen.  And then it didn't.  

In retrospect it's easier to see that the expectation of children was rooted in the fact that we had gotten  married.  Married people are supposed to have children and they aren't supposed to wait years and years to do so. People do not typically get married young, grow together and THEN have children.

Had we waited to get married until we were in our 30's; infertility wouldn't have presented itself as an issue.  It would never have hit the radar. I was lucky. I found my love at the age of 17 and I married him when I was 20.  What has dawned on me is that.... this, in and of itself does not constitute the expectation of babies to immediately follow.  We could be the couple to set a NEW "statistic."  You know, those people who got pregnant after 15 years of marriage.  Heck, maybe even 20! 

While it may still never happen... (believe me, I am not letting that possibility get away) there is no reason we should accept that our days are labeled and therefore numbered. If the Mr. and I were newlyweds... we'd still be excited and hopeful.

This sounds like dangerous territory for a girl in my position I know.  But really, is there any other way to truly live? 

The fact that it hasn't happened yet has lead me closer to the conclusion that it will never happen. I am not sure that is a fair way to judge the situation.

Does the fact that something has not occurred erase all possibility that it will never happen in the future?  Or does it just mean your getting even closer to your turn?

I know I am not getting any younger but the fact of the matter is, I am not that old. I don't think that I am the only woman out there who has felt this way and it's not the first time I have reminded myself that women are having children into their 40's these days.  Thing is; that long-ago accepted belief that my prime years were behind me always prevailed over my own inner voice. 

The infamous biological clock syndrome is probably inevitable but that doesn't mean we all have to synchronize watches. Are we buying into a theory that no longer applies? We are living longer; shouldn't the "ideal age" to reproduce (if there can actually be one) rise in proportion?

In 1960 my paternal grandmother gave birth to my father at the age of 38.  Certainly, this was unconventional for the times.  I often wonder if this was by choice or circumstance. I am willing to bet that my grandmother had every reason to give up hoping for a child before she had one.  I wonder if she ever did and I really wish that she were here today....I could ask her.

Either way, I am pretty sure everything happened as it was supposed to.  Not one day too late; not one day too soon.

After reading this article I wanted to find this woman and squeeze her in the biggest bear hug for writing this and for sharing it.  It has sparked within me a new will to start over. Letting go of the past allows me to start out on a new path. I have no control over the outcome and I am not afraid.  I will ground myself in all the love that surrounds me and know that it is enough.

I really hope that more women feel empowered to set their biological clock to their own pace and are relieved of the constant ticking.


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On a Lighter Note....

Well, I've shared a lot of heartbreak and frustration... it's time to start talking about some of the funny stuff. These are a few of the moments that I look back on and smile.

On an October day in 2007 I was caught speeding down the Northway on my way to  IUI#2. The clinic we went to is in the Albany area; about a one hour and 20 minute drive one way.  An IUI is an artificial insemination. Sperm is collected from the male and then injected thru a catheter into the female.

Often, S and I drove to our appointments separately so that we could each go about the work day afterward.  This particular morning I got out the door a few minutes late.  I tried to make up the time but encountered not only traffic but road work.  I was paying more attention to the clock than I was to the speedometer.  S had been to the clinic at 7 that morning to "donate" and I was scheduled for the 9am "deposit" (yes, very romantic!)  The procedure HAS to be done within a certain amount of time and I knew I was pushing it.  And so, my lead foot got a little heavy . 

I saw the lights behind me, pulled over to the side of the road and thought to myself... when he asks me where I am headed and why I am in such a hurry..... what do I tell him?
 
I thought if I told him the truth, while it may be a little embarrassing, he might have a good chuckle at the thought of a woman racing to the fertility clinic to "pick up" what her husband had left behind.  I thought this might put him in a better mood.  Heck, maybe he would even sympathize, put his ticket book away and give me a police escort.  Can you imagine... Everyone get out of the way!! This woman is trying to conceive!!

No such luck.  When he asked where I was going; I responded honestly. He didn't even flinch.  He didn't understand my urgency or even see the humor. Heck, he probably hears it all.   He wrote me a ticket for the full speed and sent me on my way.  I still made it to the clinic in time for the procedure, but learned to leave the house a little earlier on important mornings such as these.

Going through IUI procedures and hormone treatments that are required can make it hard to make plans.

The summer of 2009 we were again determined and signed up for another round of IUI's. One of my very good friends was getting married and she asked me to take the photos.  I was thrilled and agreed! When the wedding day came along we were knee deep in the regimen of injectable medications and ultra-sounds.

It is essential to take these meds around the same time each day.  I knew I would need to go up to our hotel room at a certain time to give myself the shot.  I kept looking for the best opportunity to take a little break.  After the introductions and the first dance, I found the DJ and let him know that I would need be unavailable for at least 15 minutes. He said I was safe to leave. 

I ran up to our room, mixed the meds, injected them and came back downstairs.  I made no stops along the way.  When I returned, I walked through the doors into the room and heard a collective "there she is!" As it turned out they had been looking for me the entire time.  They were even announcing this over the sound system! I am not sure if there was some sort of break down in communication between the DJ's. or what but I was mortified to say the least.  I just wasn't comfortable telling everyone, "I was just up in our room injecting fertility hormones!" so I let them think I was goofing off somewhere... if they had only known! 

That same summer we were invited to a friends house for a Bar-B-Q.  Again, we had to bring the meds along. They have to be kept cool, so we packed a small cooler and the sharps container; and we were off. 

On the drive we joked that if we walked in with the cooler the hosts might assume it was food or beer and then we would have to explain.  To avoid this we literally snuck the cooler in the house (and then immediately out) in what I remember as nothing less than a 007 mission. 

No matter what we always had laughter.  These situations presented us with the opportunity to laugh at our selves AND the situation.  A sense of humor carried us through some really hard times then and it still gets us through today.  There is nothing better for heart and soul.

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The Roller Coaster ~

This is my 20th post! If you have been reading since #1 than you may be thinking... this girls gone crazy! If you are dealing with infertility than you just know.

It's the roller coaster.

Some days you are up, some days you are down.  Some days you are sure of yourself and your purpose and other days you question it all over again. 

The roller coaster is one of the most frustrating aspects of this for me.  I have ridden it with full abandon, hands in the air, open to whatever may happen. Other times I have plead for someone to just let me off the damn ride.

Even when I have reasoned that I may not be meant for motherhood....STILL I would jump for the opportunity. I just can't find true solid ground and I probably never will. 

My best friend and I were talking about this one day and she said that she can understand how I would be all over the place and feeling different things given different times and situations; and she was 100% right. 

Around the holidays I always think about having a child.  I imagine how much fun we would have celebrating the seasons and carrying on family traditions. When my birthday nears I can't help but think of each year gone as another notch. 

The passage of time; the dimming of any hope.

She suggested that I might feel even better about it as I get older and beyond my biological clock. She was totally right. There will come a point of absolute closure.

I am sure that my perspective will change. Will it be for better or worse is the question.  It will mark the true and final end of a journey. There will be no more questions.  No more wondering.  No more little voice.

What will I do then?

It's not the first time I have considered this.  The question has been in the back of my brain since the beginning and is one of the scariest things to consider.

Will I regret being so stubborn in my diligence to maintain my self worth?  Will I wish I had thrown my pride and dignity to the way side to accomplish the goal? What if the weight of this only truly hits me then.  What if these are all just  tremors and the earthquake is yet to come? What will I do when the coaster comes to a screeching halt and it's my turn to get off the ride for real and for good?

This fear of regret; it is my blind-spot.  It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Sure, I am happy now... but what about later? 

There is no answer to that question of course. It is an every day lesson in humility.  I didn't ask for this, I  can't control it and I can't change it.

All we can do is trust our instincts and carry on. I have no idea what will happen. I am just going to keep the faith that it will all make sense when I get there.


 

 
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Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space

I feel like my last post could use some clarification.  What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability.  That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure.  If I could; I'd like to take that back.  I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario.

This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different.  I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well.  I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space"  and most of us spend our lives seeking it. 

Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly  what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could.

A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it.  I may not be one of those people.  That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees.  Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future.  I am not an ogre who can't stand children.  

Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. 

 Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.

As I write that sentence; I cringe.  It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman  would begrudge motherhood?  Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold.

All the more reason to repeat my previous statement.

I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either.

Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite.  I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way.

Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more.  I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do.  At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted.  Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. 

That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.

 

Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming.  Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance.  There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example.  These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space."  The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. 

Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. 

Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are.  

Not the Momma

A couple of weeks ago we got the opportunity to take care of our two year old niece (C) for the weekend.  We were meeting friends at our family camp up North.  They have three children; one of which is my goddaughter.  I was really excited for the two most important little girls in my life to meet and I was thrilled to be able to spend this time with C!

All that excitement quickly changed into nervousness the second I started to consider the fact that I would be the responsible one! I started to consider all the little freedoms that I probably take for granted. I have witnessed all that changes when a person goes from a child-free existence to a child-centered one.  The focus shifting from self-fulfillment to self-sacrifice.   I accepted that I would be functioning way beyond my comfort zone. 

I'll just put it out there... I also saw this as a test and I wondered if I would pass.  Surely, I told myself... I could accomplish this challenge of taking care of a miniature human for 48 hours.  My niece is a great kid. She is a well adjusted with a cheerful demeanor.  Piece of cake right?!

My full submersion into this make-believe parenthood started off smoothly.  C didn't have any motion sickness in the car like we had worried about.  The dogs managed to stay in their seats and not maul her with full face kisses the entire way there.  She napped well.  She seemed a little confused but knew she was safe and seemed to understand that eventually she would be reunited with her parents. 

Somewhere in the second day; between breakfast and packing for the days outing I started to wonder... even if I COULD have children, SHOULD I?

I had fed the child but forgot to feed the dogs.  Everyone was packed up and waiting outside for me to leave for the fishing outing.  I finally appeared only to realize I hadn't packed one diaper OR wipe.  Back to the house I ran!

C is potty training right now. And I did my best not to derail that too much.  But I am an amateur at this and we were on the go a lot, so I ended up changing a lot of pull ups.  The worst ones I changed by using a pair of scissors to cut the sides open; only to find out they are equipped with Velcro for this purpose two days later.

Bed time, day two and C didn't want to go down as easily as the night before.  I know that books are a great bedtime tool - but I didn't think of one in this instant.  I don't know why - it seems like regular ol' common sense. But it just didn't come to me.  My friends suggested a book and it saved us from a total meltdown and eased C into sleep.   Well, I should clarify that we still had a meltdown; it was just me instead of the baby.

I realized I have become comfy in my little existence. I love kids and I especially love my niece but  I haven't really been a caretaker since my last babysitting job at 15.  I know next to nothing about babies and children in general.  Somewhere along the line I stopped being interested.   I don't speak in months.  I seriously question what is age appropriate every time I shop for gifts.  I love to learn; but I am task oriented. I only find interest in those things I see myself utilizing in the future.  So, the disappointments I have experienced have equated to this type of rejection.

It settled in on me that I couldn't do it all.  I couldn't remember to feed the dogs AND the child.  I couldn't figure out what to pack for an outing in a reasonable amount of time.  I even lost the battle against the pull up for crying out loud!  This was the perfect proof of my shortcomings and the fact that I was not put on this earth to raise children.

The parenthood.  It truly demands 200% from a person 24 hours a day. This lesson was not lost on me.  It led me to conclude that while it is necessary to the survival of our species to reproduce; it may be just as necessary for some of us to NOT have children. No wonder why we have so many people running around exhausted and all stressed out. 

Did you know that Anna Jarvis founded mother's day; yet she never had any children of her own?

Rosa Parks,  Louisa May Alcott,  Jane Austen,  Coco Chanel, Emily Dickenson, Julia Child all left important marks on our society. Add to that list; Helen Clark, Kat Cole, Angela Davis, Elizabeth Cole.  These are all writers, activists and leaders in business who do not have children.  Without these child-less minds our world might be very different.   

“I don’t regret not having children. I am very much at peace with that. Perhaps I do have that occasional twinge, but you can’t do everything.”

—Jacqueline Bisset, actress

At the end of the weekend we returned a perfectly healthy child intact with every accessory she came with.  I couldn't believe how many times the one and only "ninny" was lost and found. When we dropped my niece off at home my sister commented that she learned about how much you can get done sans children. I joked that I had learned the opposite.

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Thank You.

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to write about. What is valid? What haven't I already said? What can the reader connect with no matter what their fertility status is?  

I keep coming back to the same mantra.  Embrace what is. You are more than your ability to reproduce. Maybe every post NEEDS to include this message.  Maybe repetition is the only way for it to truly sink in.

I have purged so much over these last couple of months that I feel emptied. Writing this blog has brought healing in ways I never expected. One afternoon; I dared myself to click "publish." Ever since I have been confronting things that I thought I had "let go" of long ago. I was simply procrastinating the inevitable. 

We build walls.  It is the best mechanism of defense there is.  Nothing can hurt you if you refuse to feel it. Throughout this journey I experienced disappointments that resulted in the construction of a wall so big that nothing could penetrate it. When struggles came along the way, I threw them over that wall, into the heap and went on with my day.  I went on this way because the only other choice was unimaginable.  I promised myself this would never break me. Avoidance seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The trouble with walls is that over time they can be worn down. When that happens those feelings are waiting right there on the other side where you left them. It turns out feelings can be very patient.

Eventually, you have to be able to see things for what they are and not what you want them to be.  Opening this subject to a public audience has forced me to not only open my eyes but to tear down that wall and open up my heart.  This is the difference between observation and comprehension.

So, with all of my defenses torn away it all comes rushing in. It is a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have been collected over time.  My suspicion is that this coping mechanism allows us to delay dealing with painful things until we are strong enough to sort through it all. 

The day I clicked that button, I decided that I was done participating in this group consensus of motherhood equating to womanhood.  It may not be the last time I hear that there is no greater happiness than parenthood; but I am done believing it.

 

I've heard that if you don't stand for something; you fall for everything. I felt it was time to speak up.  I have been through every medical exam available, months of hormone treatments, five failed IUI's.  We completed the foster care certification process only to meet an obstacle at every turn.  Adopting through a private agency is not only another heart wrenching process but unattainable financially unless we want to take on a considerable amount of debt.   No matter what we have tried the answer has always been the same. Yet, I am still here. Disappointment's may have knocked me down; but I never gave up the fight to experience happiness and gratitude (even if it is out of spite) and I never will.

I have received feedback that some of these posts have really helped people.  It may have brought comfort to know that they are not alone.  It may have caused them to think of things a little differently. To write it has been incredibly liberating. The salvation of self is like a ripple in a body of water; no matter how small, it effects the entire pond.

Somehow, I turned the tables. Infertility used to own me. By using my voice I gained power.  Now, it feels more like I own it.  Being able to use this experience to help others, well that gives more meaning to it than I could have ever imagined.  It is proof that there IS reason behind something that I've never been able to rationalize. 

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank you for reading. 
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for all of your love and support.

~Shannon


For great information on infertility and some awesome blogs check out Stirrup Queens!

Don't Let It Break Your Heart

I never wanted to be defined "that infertile girl."

What I am coming to realize is that it may be inevitable.  This disease has had a part in making me the person that I am. Mistakes, faults and vices; I am proud of the person I am today.  Why not let it define me? Why not embrace it for exactly what it is? Sometimes, in the way of our peace stands our pride. Denying my fate only allows it's circumstance to own me.  By taking pride in reality with a heart wide open; I, in fact, own it.

I have always been conscious to never place all my fulfillment in the goal of becoming pregnant. I understand how it can consume you and I have stopped to mourn along the way. But when I really felt the walls caving in around me I found something to focus my attentions on. It built my confidence in the fact that bearing a child is not a mandatory experience in living a happy life. When you feel the grips of sadness creeping in, turn your attentions outward. Not so much that you lose touch with yourself, but just enough so that you don't become consumed by it. Frankly, you have to get out of your own head from time to time.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record.... being a parent is a very important job but it's not the only important job. If we were all given the same purpose what purpose would there be?  There are important things to be accomplished. Things that matter to the world, just as parenthood does. Even if you never have children; you can still leave this world better than you found it.

So many people chase dreams that tear them down. Look at the cases of lottery winners who's lives crumble once their dreams comes true.   They lose more in the end than they ever stood to gain.   This is proof that being granted your biggest wish does not lead to ultimate and everlasting happiness. 

We are proud when we have achieved goals we believe make us special and worthy. It is only the loss of this satisfaction that causes us sadness.  When you cannot find a way to change your reality; you change your mind. Let go of fear and hold on to grace.  It isn't always a case of something that needs to be fixed rather than embraced. Once you turn your perceived loss into a gain you grasp the control that feels so out of your reach. 

 

 

When you start to ask yourself these questions, when you start to re-think your belief system, you may hear your ego reason...  "because everyone else is." We struggle with entitlement and being left behind. It feels a little bit like you've been sidelined from the game of life. Benched indefinitely. 

I wasn't a very athletic teenager. When I did play team sports I spent a lot of time on that bench.  I learned that even if we were on the sidelines we were still important to the game.  We were needed from time to time.  We offered support.   Of course I got frustrated and lost sight of the value. I resented that bench and wished that I was skilled enough to be one of those starting players. I wanted to feel the accomplishment of scoring a goal for the team! As an adult this is just as I have wished so many times to join the club of mommy-hood. 

For me, these wishes have not been granted. In the game that is life, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that we have lost altogether? I hope that it is impossible for you to answer that question with a yes. If you believe it's true I beg you to go back to the why?

There is always a possibility present regardless of whether or not we can bring ourselves to see it.

Our pride drives us to work for the things that we find value in.  Some things are just beyond our ability to create.  The fact that so many deny the joy in what is because we focus our happiness on expectations of the way things should be.  To me, this is where all of the heartbreak begins. 

I think of the couples out there who hit this road block and go their separate ways; hoping they can find someone else who they can reproduce with.  They refuse to accept that their future may not include parenthood and throw away the future that is their marriage. This is like the child who does not appreciate their gifts on Christmas morning because they are so consumed with the gifts they are missing.

For a long time I let my pride weigh me down as I perceived the infertility as failure.  I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be engrained into my person. These days, I am starting to take more pride in my child-free life. I love my freedom. 

The way I see it; this life is a puzzle. With every experience we find another piece. Each work in progress is beautiful in it's own way. We can't rush it's completion.  We can only be happy to be there at the table; searching for the pieces.  The joy we feel in discovering a piece that fits can sustain us through the frustration when the next piece eludes our senses. If you consistently measure your happiness by your success rate of granted wishes vs. missing pieces; you will simply always be wishing and you will never be truly happy. 

Keep living. Keep loving. Don't ever let it break your heart.

**Thank you to Stirrup Queens for adding my blog to their roll!! To check out the site and other great blogs click below!!**

The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer

Bittersweet

There have been times when I have wondered “why me?”  This is not a pity party I throw for myself.  I wouldn’t trade my challenges with anyone. I know that they were given to me for a reason. The emphasis is on the matter of “why” more than the fact that it’s “me.”  

This disease is diagnosed as unexplained.  Meaning everything is working properly; but yet it’s not working at all.  There is nothing that can be fixed. Today, we are all pretty accustomed to getting what we want.  This is the hardest work; to accept that there is no one I can call; no specialist or technician I can hire to show up and make the repair(s) that may be needed to mend what has been broken.  There is no obvious solution to an “I don’t know.”

Infertility has forced me to look within. I have always had this feeling that it isn’t a medical issue at all.  Somewhere along the way it became more spiritual to me.  I have a feeling that this is something that I have to go through to learn an important lesson.  A lesson that will transcend my existence beyond anything that I can conceive before it is realized (pun INtended).

Every day that I wake up is an opportunity to learn.  Every day, I wake up more aware.  This is preparing me to be a better mother.  Not a better mother in comparison to other mothers; but a better mother than I could have been the day before. Had my wish been granted immediately; I wouldn’t have had as much to offer back then as I do now.  I will have even more to offer tomorrow.

We’ve all had our paths changed along the way.   There are futures that we may have believed in and they fell apart at no fault of our own. Diversions can be interpreted as a failure.  When really, our paths are changed in life because even though we thought we knew what was best for us; we were wrong.  We must open our eyes to the possibility that lies beyond the disappointment, rather than wallow in our sorrows until we get what we want.  To sacrifice your joy for what is unknown would be the saddest part of it all.  There may be moments of frustration, but more than anything, when I am old and gray and I look back on my life I want to be able to say that I have truly lived.  I will not die inside of disappointment.   I will seize every experience and opportunity that comes my way. 

On the matter of the “me” in that question; I believe this challenge was given to me because deep down inside I know what to do with it.  I just have to dig deep enough to discover it.  It is possible to take the bitter and turn it sweet. All you have to do is believe.  

 

 

 

 

 

A Bullet and A Target

How can it be possible to feel both gratitude and loss all at once? Is it reasonable to admit that you feel the freedom left by an absence but you would trade in that freedom happily any day? Or is this a cop-out because it was never your choice to begin with?

Why don't we move forward another way like most of the others? Why don't we pursue adoption? Why won't I sacrifice more in order to make this a reality?

Maybe it's the little voice. I just have not let go of the glimmer of hope that one of these days this is going to happen for us. If it does, I swear I am going to buy the drug store out of pregnancy tests. I will lock myself in the bathroom and take one after the other just to watch that second line appear again and again!

Maybe it's the stubborn, rebellious inner teenager that says' "NO! You can't make me!"

If I thought I felt degraded at the doctor’s office, I had a reality check coming to me when we started to navigate the waters of the foster care system. The task at hand this time was to convince strangers that ours would be a wonderful environment for a child.

We asked our friends to take time out of their days to meet with case workers to attest to the stability of our character. There were background checks, finger prints, 12 weeks of classes; 4 hours, one night each week. We learned about all of the reasons people abuse their children. We were told it was important to have compassion for the birth families. Of course we were being put under a microscope. We ARE being entrusted with someone's children after all. Yes, that someone may have starved and beaten their child scarring them emotionally and physically for the rest of their lives yet, they still deserve respect and compassion.   

I remember sitting in those classes and feeling my blood boil. Week after week we heard examples and cases of abuse and were coached to believe it is best to subject a child to more of the same as the birth parent is allowed to re-enter their lives again and again to see if they can pass the test.

This is probably the biggest reason I am not cut out to be a foster-mother. In my mind; THEY ALREADY FAILED. I don't agree that a birth parent should be given an endless number of chances to get their shit together when a child's LIFE is at stake. I know it hurts a child to be separated from their birth family, even an abusive one; but I don't buy into the theory that the perpetrator should be treated as a victim. I will not sympathize with people who abuse their children. I don't believe their circumstance excuses their behavior.

That may make me sound cold but I am so tired of our modern day mind set. Accountability seems to have been lost and replaced with entitlement. Maybe if more parents feared REAL loss fewer kids would be abused. If we raise the stakes; can we raise the standard?

We sat down with a case worker to complete our "home study." We hashed out our entire life stories; the good, the bad and the ugly. To me this felt like begging someone to grant me something that so many took for granted and that so many abused. Once again, I found myself burning up with resentment. I resented every single second of it.

As a disclaimer, I must add that I do understand why the system is in place. I just don't feel it's effective. While my home was inspected for general safety & condition no one had any concern with our outbuildings. Wasn't there a case a few years back where foster parents were keeping kids in cages in the garage? And this isn't even on their two page itemized check list? Thanks to this process we now have a smoke detector installed in our home every 300 sq. ft. or so. I am not exaggerating. When I burn toast, the whole mountain knows it.

Our wood stove and small pond were both items we were lectured about. While our garage could have looked like a scene from a horror film and they'd never know. They didn't even care.

The system... I just couldn't work with it. I wish I had it in me to grovel happily for the chance to give a child in need a safe and loving home. I wanted to jump through their hoops and pass the exam. I know all the reasons why I SHOULD feel compassion toward drug addicts who abuse their children repeatedly. But, I don't feel it and I never will.

We completed the process of being certified to foster children. After getting through all of that we were still excited at the possibility of providing a safe home to a child in need. It just turned into another dead end. I see these experiences we had as a sign. We were putting our whole selves into the process and the only thing we were getting back was grief. Every interaction turned into its own little disaster.

Was this the weak way out? Did I "give up?" Some may say that. It felt more like giving in. I cried "uncle" because I could see this system was too big, too much for lil' ol' me to create any positive change. I see each battle lost as a sign that I am not in fact on the right path.

The same part of me that still has hope for "someday" is even a little thankful that "someday" hasn't arrived just yet. Kind of like how I don't want Christmas to come because then it will be over. It's a missing piece; a mystery left yet to be discovered. Even after 12 years of failure I can't stop thinking that my day might still be coming.

Listen to me... I just can't help it. I will never stop putting myself between the bullet and the target.

White Coats

Doctors.  I guess I have to admit up front that I have ALWAYS had a "thing" about doctors.  My parents have told me as a child I had a deeply embedded fear of those white coats.  There were many visits I had to be physically restrained. 

It has proven to be a sign of what was to come in my future.  I STILL have a deeply embedded fear of those white coats. 

When we began talking to the doctors about starting a family I was pretty young.  We married young.  I guess I can't really blame them for not taking me seriously. I WAS young. But, I had read that a woman's most fertile years were before she was 23.  I was 22-ish.  The year that had already passed by was a huge red flag to me.  To be so young and not even have a "scare" seemed unbelievable already.  They did tests. All was "normal" aside from the glaring fact that my reproductive system was definitely not working. It wasn't reproducing! This took us through the first couple of years. 

I remember feeling scared.  In retrospect; I just knew inside this was going to be a long road.  About three years "in" we started seeing specialists. My primary doctor finally agreed that this might need to be addressed more thoroughly.  Only, I had no idea what seeing a specialist REALLY meant at the time. 

Do you know what the medical solution to this disease is?  Pregnancy.  The treatment?  Hormones. Do you know what hormones do to a person? I think they are improperly named.  They should be called "Raging Bitch Serum." Seriously, it would be more appropriate. 

When you are in the grips of this you will do anything that someone tells you will increase your chances of success.  And I did.  I didn't stop to think back then. These things were items you checked off the list.  If this lighter hormone doesn't work then you move on to the big boys.  The ones you have to mix and inject yourself. Before you know it you are carrying a cooler filled with fertility drugs and a sharps container; instead of beer and chips to your friends bar-b-q (it's very important to stay on schedule with your shots).

Doctors are trained to use synthetic drugs in response to symptoms and when they exhaust that effort they shrug their shoulders, look you directly in the eye and tell you to "travel."  Now, I LOVE to travel... but I have never resented a person in a white coat SO much. 

Wait, no... that is not true.  Just after my 30th birthday I "re-cycled."  My GYN had moved out of town so I needed a new doctor anyway.  At this point, I had experienced fertility procedures, discovered yoga and acupuncture. I had read A LOT. I was pretty convinced our modern medical system left a lot to be desired. 

But, I wanted to talk to the doctor about doing basic lab work.  I had read that your body changes it's chemistry every 7 years. My basic exams were at least 8 years old. What would it hurt?  He agreed to those tests reluctantly and then explained to me that statistically; being married 10 years it was probably best if we didn't have children.  He told me that it had been too long.

MARRIED TOO LONG!!?? Alright, now I've heard it all.  I had thought of many reasons why this wasn't happening.  I don't know why, but married too long just never occurred to me!?!?! 

This white coat was insisting that we were too set in our ways at this point to be able to successfully "integrate a child into our lifestyle."  REALLY?!? I've got to give him credit. At least he was thinking outside of the box.

One week I had a half dozen doctor's appointments! It felt like waking up every other day to go have your "annual" exam. Ladies, you know what I mean by "annual."  It was a lot of white coats for this girl!  Their "treatments" failed. Their drugs turned me into a hormonal waste case.  I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable.  It occurred to me at the end of the fifth failed IUI that the only time I was so low was when we were going through these treatments.  When we were just living ~ I was happy; I was enjoying my time.  It ended right then and there for me. We had checked it off the list.

I always keep this in the back of my mind. Whatever I am doing, I'd better be enjoying my time. I have learned the importance to truly living in the moment. I don't want to waste one second being miserable ever again.  I give a lot of credit to the couples out there who can go endure even more of the process than we did.  They persevere and they are successful.

I think it is simply what is meant to be.

Hope In The Face of Absence

I’ve learned a few things about myself along the way.  I need a creative outlet or I get grumpy.   Yoga keeps me centered.  Running & kickboxing help me blow off steam. Piano quiets my brain.  

I am unsure if these are discoveries of self or simply coping mechanisms that I have used to blanket the fire. 

I have been given opportunities to explore & thrive.  Have I seized them or survived them?

Inside is this voice that whispers… it’s never enough.  Moment to moment; I expect too much.  I envy those that feel a calm in life’s pace. They live out their days cursing their own fate and yet their dreams all come true.  While I am here, still waiting for you.

This isn’t the kind of waiting most are used to.  Waiting in the line at the grocery store, waiting for your friend who is late for your lunch date, the doctor’s office; this waiting has its own misery but you know that eventually you will get your turn.  You may feel bored or annoyed but your faith is not tested.  This is much different.  This kind of waiting feels like you are looking down a deep dark tunnel in the path that is your life. There is no light beaming in from the other side.  You have no idea what to expect. You don’t even know the chances of coming out alive on the other side. You have two choices.  You can give up your faith, turn around and keep living just as you are without risking the darkness or you conger up all the hope that you can muster and you take your first step into that deep dark tunnel.  There is no reason to hope. No one has encouraged you that passing thru this tunnel will bring your dreams to reality.  That deep dark tunnel in my life represents my feelings regarding my fertility.

Hope. It’s easy at first. But it is the hardest thing to hold on to.  To keep hope alive you must be willing to risk constant disappointment.  When you can’t stand any more disappointment you move toward acceptance.  Just when you thought you found your own way around that tunnel it sneaks up on you… well, what can you hope for now?   Hope drives us.  It keeps us believing that there is something more for us out there. To me this feels like accepting that this is all my life will ever be.  I will never get the chance to see my own creation. I will never be able to see my husband hold our child. That hurts.

To fully accept your fate takes a courage so deep and faith so strong that you are able to truly let go. No more hoping and wishing. No more “maybe’s” and “some days. “ No more “hey, you never know.”  There are these stories that your friends tell you constantly. They think they are helping but really it’s just torture.  They say “oh, I knew someone who got pregnant right when they adopted!” or my personal favorite “I have friends that didn’t get pregnant for 10 years.”  That one is my favorite because I figured that would be us.  And here we are; we will be married for 12 years this September.

There is a new theory exposed every day it seems.  Could it be RX drugs, toxins or GMO’s?  Any one of these things could have taken my fertility away from me without even knowing it.  It leaves me wondering was it the ramen noodles in college? My shampoo? The laundry soap?  It could be ANYTHING! And yet, it could be NOTHING. I am in a constant struggle between hope and letting go. I wonder if one day I will be truly numb to it all.  Maybe that is what letting go is really all about. I’ve told myself that I am done and over it and yet I find myself squirming; back in its grips, anxious with my own reality; wanting my life to move on naturally. 

Maybe hope changes.  Instead of hoping for a certain future; I am hoping I am on the right path. I keep faith in my intuition. I am right exactly where I need to be.

 

 

 

 

Infertile Does Not Equal InCOMPLETE ~

A lot of comfort can be drawn from the written word. In writing there is a release, in the reading there is a connection. So, here I am.

Infertility is a disease. It affects 1 in every 10 couples. It is painful and if you aren't careful it CAN end up tearing you up from the inside out. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Not all of us are meant to be parents. You are not going to believe this... but not ALL women are put here to reproduce. Society has built this up for us as an expectation of our woman-hood. What are we worth as women if we cannot bear children? Well, I happen to think that I am worth a heck of a lot more than the viability of my uterus. I wish all women out there dealing with this issue could see themselves in that light; to see MORE.

There are some things in life that we can choose... our friends, our mates, movies, music and the like. At the heart of it... the reality of infertility is that it takes the choice of reproducing away from us. Sure, we can pursue medical procedures and adoption. There are still choices and options. We cannot "choose" to start a family... like some couples can.

And that is ok. Yes, I said it, It's OK.

It's OK if you can't have a baby. It's OK if the chlomid, hormone shots, IUI's and the IVF's don't work. It's ok if you can't seem to find an adoption match.

You know why?

You are MORE than your ability to reproduce. You STILL have a purpose here on this earth.

I had a very toxic friend who used to say to me "I just don't know how you deal with it; I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning." It was her opinion that life just wouldn't be worth living if her uterus wouldn't cooperate with her. Why was mine worth living unless I could call myself a mother?

See here's the thing. We are not all on the same path. You may be meant to mother... I may not be. I may be meant to be a wife, an aunt, a volunteer, a mentor, a big sister. My life's path is all of these and more.

I used to say that money was the root of all evil, but now I believe that expectations are. Expectations create disappointment. Why can't we be grateful for our own life force? Accept the gifts that we are given upon this earth and make the best of it. We do not always have to bend fate to our will. There are times when acceptance is healing and it's important to be happy in the present moment, in your own circumstance. We are all given our battles for a reason. I truly believe that. Embrace them, accept them....... conquer them. Don't sacrifice today for an unknown tomorrow.

3/22/13