Saturday, August 10, 2013

White Coats

Doctors.  I guess I have to admit up front that I have ALWAYS had a "thing" about doctors.  My parents have told me as a child I had a deeply embedded fear of those white coats.  There were many visits I had to be physically restrained. 

It has proven to be a sign of what was to come in my future.  I STILL have a deeply embedded fear of those white coats. 

When we began talking to the doctors about starting a family I was pretty young.  We married young.  I guess I can't really blame them for not taking me seriously. I WAS young. But, I had read that a woman's most fertile years were before she was 23.  I was 22-ish.  The year that had already passed by was a huge red flag to me.  To be so young and not even have a "scare" seemed unbelievable already.  They did tests. All was "normal" aside from the glaring fact that my reproductive system was definitely not working. It wasn't reproducing! This took us through the first couple of years. 

I remember feeling scared.  In retrospect; I just knew inside this was going to be a long road.  About three years "in" we started seeing specialists. My primary doctor finally agreed that this might need to be addressed more thoroughly.  Only, I had no idea what seeing a specialist REALLY meant at the time. 

Do you know what the medical solution to this disease is?  Pregnancy.  The treatment?  Hormones. Do you know what hormones do to a person? I think they are improperly named.  They should be called "Raging Bitch Serum." Seriously, it would be more appropriate. 

When you are in the grips of this you will do anything that someone tells you will increase your chances of success.  And I did.  I didn't stop to think back then. These things were items you checked off the list.  If this lighter hormone doesn't work then you move on to the big boys.  The ones you have to mix and inject yourself. Before you know it you are carrying a cooler filled with fertility drugs and a sharps container; instead of beer and chips to your friends bar-b-q (it's very important to stay on schedule with your shots).

Doctors are trained to use synthetic drugs in response to symptoms and when they exhaust that effort they shrug their shoulders, look you directly in the eye and tell you to "travel."  Now, I LOVE to travel... but I have never resented a person in a white coat SO much. 

Wait, no... that is not true.  Just after my 30th birthday I "re-cycled."  My GYN had moved out of town so I needed a new doctor anyway.  At this point, I had experienced fertility procedures, discovered yoga and acupuncture. I had read A LOT. I was pretty convinced our modern medical system left a lot to be desired. 

But, I wanted to talk to the doctor about doing basic lab work.  I had read that your body changes it's chemistry every 7 years. My basic exams were at least 8 years old. What would it hurt?  He agreed to those tests reluctantly and then explained to me that statistically; being married 10 years it was probably best if we didn't have children.  He told me that it had been too long.

MARRIED TOO LONG!!?? Alright, now I've heard it all.  I had thought of many reasons why this wasn't happening.  I don't know why, but married too long just never occurred to me!?!?! 

This white coat was insisting that we were too set in our ways at this point to be able to successfully "integrate a child into our lifestyle."  REALLY?!? I've got to give him credit. At least he was thinking outside of the box.

One week I had a half dozen doctor's appointments! It felt like waking up every other day to go have your "annual" exam. Ladies, you know what I mean by "annual."  It was a lot of white coats for this girl!  Their "treatments" failed. Their drugs turned me into a hormonal waste case.  I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable.  It occurred to me at the end of the fifth failed IUI that the only time I was so low was when we were going through these treatments.  When we were just living ~ I was happy; I was enjoying my time.  It ended right then and there for me. We had checked it off the list.

I always keep this in the back of my mind. Whatever I am doing, I'd better be enjoying my time. I have learned the importance to truly living in the moment. I don't want to waste one second being miserable ever again.  I give a lot of credit to the couples out there who can go endure even more of the process than we did.  They persevere and they are successful.

I think it is simply what is meant to be.