What I am coming to realize is that it may be inevitable. This disease has had a part in making me the person that I am. Mistakes, faults and vices; I am proud of the person I am today. Why not let it define me? Why not embrace it for exactly what it is? Sometimes, in the way of our peace stands our pride. Denying my fate only allows it's circumstance to own me. By taking pride in reality with a heart wide open; I, in fact, own it.
I have always been conscious to never place all my fulfillment in the goal of becoming pregnant. I understand how it can consume you and I have stopped to mourn along the way. But when I really felt the walls caving in around me I found something to focus my attentions on. It built my confidence in the fact that bearing a child is not a mandatory experience in living a happy life. When you feel the grips of sadness creeping in, turn your attentions outward. Not so much that you lose touch with yourself, but just enough so that you don't become consumed by it. Frankly, you have to get out of your own head from time to time.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record.... being a parent is a very important job but it's not the only important job. If we were all given the same purpose what purpose would there be? There are important things to be accomplished. Things that matter to the world, just as parenthood does. Even if you never have children; you can still leave this world better than you found it.
So many people chase dreams that tear them down. Look at the cases of lottery winners who's lives crumble once their dreams comes true. They lose more in the end than they ever stood to gain. This is proof that being granted your biggest wish does not lead to ultimate and everlasting happiness.
We are proud when we have achieved goals we believe make us special and worthy. It is only the loss of this satisfaction that causes us sadness. When you cannot find a way to change your reality; you change your mind. Let go of fear and hold on to grace. It isn't always a case of something that needs to be fixed rather than embraced. Once you turn your perceived loss into a gain you grasp the control that feels so out of your reach.
When you start to ask yourself these questions, when you start to re-think your belief system, you may hear your ego reason... "because everyone else is." We struggle with entitlement and being left behind. It feels a little bit like you've been sidelined from the game of life. Benched indefinitely.
I wasn't a very athletic teenager. When I did play team sports I spent a lot of time on that bench. I learned that even if we were on the sidelines we were still important to the game. We were needed from time to time. We offered support. Of course I got frustrated and lost sight of the value. I resented that bench and wished that I was skilled enough to be one of those starting players. I wanted to feel the accomplishment of scoring a goal for the team! As an adult this is just as I have wished so many times to join the club of mommy-hood.
For me, these wishes have not been granted. In the game that is life, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that we have lost altogether? I hope that it is impossible for you to answer that question with a yes. If you believe it's true I beg you to go back to the why?
There is always a possibility present regardless of whether or not we can bring ourselves to see it.
Our pride drives us to work for the things that we find value in. Some things are just beyond our ability to create. The fact that so many deny the joy in what is because we focus our happiness on expectations of the way things should be. To me, this is where all of the heartbreak begins.
I think of the couples out there who hit this road block and go their separate ways; hoping they can find someone else who they can reproduce with. They refuse to accept that their future may not include parenthood and throw away the future that is their marriage. This is like the child who does not appreciate their gifts on Christmas morning because they are so consumed with the gifts they are missing.
For a long time I let my pride weigh me down as I perceived the infertility as failure. I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be engrained into my person. These days, I am starting to take more pride in my child-free life. I love my freedom.
The way I see it; this life is a puzzle. With every experience we find another piece. Each work in progress is beautiful in it's own way. We can't rush it's completion. We can only be happy to be there at the table; searching for the pieces. The joy we feel in discovering a piece that fits can sustain us through the frustration when the next piece eludes our senses. If you consistently measure your happiness by your success rate of granted wishes vs. missing pieces; you will simply always be wishing and you will never be truly happy.
Keep living. Keep loving. Don't ever let it break your heart.
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