tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81739406141896420982024-02-07T16:14:25.469-08:00Confessions of an (In)fertile Myrtle A different perspective. An honest account. Ramblings of my experiences and all that comes along with infertility. infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-80659515695216573912016-10-05T13:59:00.000-07:002016-10-05T14:07:12.982-07:00This mountain.... I haven't written since the birth of our sweet D in April! It's now October. We are almost 6 months in to this parenting thing... and our baby is growing so fast! I've been wanting to get back to writing for some time. Part of the problem is things happen faster than I can process them! I've been keeping a journal for this reason. But, I saw this note and it resonated.<br />
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I thought I was going to wrap this blog up, put a neat little bow on it and put it away; as if it was something I could just move on from with the birth of our child. Even going so far as to title my last post "our happily ever after." I'm sure people roll their eyes and wonder if I will ever stop talking about this. Who knew? I wont! This just doesn't work like that.<br />
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The mark of infertility is one that will always be with us - even after we managed to get the monkey off of our back with a successful pregnancy. It is the base line that we will always return to.... because it was our baseline for so long. In my situation it is ingrained so deep I am still not sure when I will actually believe that D is here and he is ours. I STILL feel like I am living in a dream.<br />
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After D's birth, I took a 12 week leave from work. I soaked up every second with my newborn. And I mean EVERY second. I took WAY too many pictures. I was as obsessive as one can be. I filled two 300+ photo albums before he was even 3 months old! (the gig will be up when I pull those out ....he is going to know just how nutty his momma is!) I could spend hours just rocking him in his nursery. We would read books and take the dogs for long walks. It was heaven.<br />
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I was obnoxiously happy to be taking care of our little miracle. But, I also felt an immense sense of loss with each passing day. D will most likely be my only baby so I had a white knuckle death grip on time. As if I could somehow manipulate the clock into stopping somehow. The irony does not escape me. Life is not meant to stay stagnant. I know this. That was one of the things I disliked about life before D. Every day was always the same in a lot of ways. Life after D is now in a constant state of change. No two days are the same. And this is exactly what I had wished for, yet I just wanted it to slow down so I could savor it just a little longer. <br />
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By taking all those photos I was trying to hold on as well as prove to myself this was all REALLY happening. I took "soaking up every second" so seriously that it created that sense of loss. I got so caught up in focusing on the fact that I would never have those sweet baby moments back again that I completely lost sight of all the awesome things we have to look forward to.<br />
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It was the same when I got pregnant - I couldn't relax. We had two embryos successfully implant, then, we lost one. D remained and they assured me he was healthy and thriving. When we found his heartbeat I was relieved but still... constantly worried about miscarriage. For 10 months, I was just waiting for the disappointment. This, my friends is the result of telling yourself you don't deserve something. I did that for many years. I conditioned my mind in order to cope with a reality I felt I had to accept. It's the sort of thought process that will probably take many years to reverse.<br />
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I refused to even think about daycare until the night before his first day. I knew that this was the best decision for our family and my child would be well taken care of. Those considerations had been made during pregnancy. Still, that morning, I felt my heart crack. Our little bubble was popped and I caught myself feeling a deep sadness and overwhelming anxiety. <br />
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I love mommy-hood. This felt like giving up my baby. I had to remind myself that he was still MINE and I would pick him up at the end of the day. That may sound preposterous to you. Of course, intellectually I know he is my child. But emotionally it's been hard to convince myself that this new happiness that I have found is here to stay. This baby is FINALLY in my arms. Asking me to drop him off somewhere else to be cared for is like asking me to cut off my right foot. However, it was irrational to believe that we could remain in our bubble indefinitely. Reality being what it is and all. <br />
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This has always manifested as anxiety. I tend to get caught up in a whirlwind of irrational thoughts and worry about $hit that doesn't matter. I obsess. Occasionally, I drive the people around me nuts.<br />
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Because the anxiety is well documented in my medical chart, we were repetitively educated about PPD before we left the hospital. One nurse, who had had a 20 year battle with infertility herself, assured me that yes, it was possible to suffer with PPD even though you had wanted this so badly and for so long. We listened, we took note of their advice and inside I thought, "you don't understand people, I am CURED now!" And once again, I am here to say... I was wrong.<br />
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S would tell you I am happier than I have ever been. AND he is absolutely, 100% correct... I AM. To be clear, I do NOT suffer from PPD, but with each milestone I find my anxieties reaching up from where I buried them...trying to rob me of my joy. <br />
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So, I fight them off. Every.damn.day. <br />
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I have learned that I have to be my own best friend. I have to sit myself down for pep talks and reality checks. By recognizing and correcting those irrational thoughts I tame the beast. I know my anxieties will never be "cured." This is just another part of parenthood. There are so many more anxiety triggers with a child than without. This is really just the beginning. All parents cope with anxiety on some level. My lens is just colored by infertility. All that we have been through has given me the tools I need to better manage that anxiety. I just need to stay mindful of it.<br />
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I honestly thought pregnancy was the end of our infertility story. The truth is... it will always be there, forcing me to ask myself if I am truly worthy, and when will this all be taken away? That's OK, I welcome that voice. It makes me a better mother than I would have been without the struggle. The challenges of parenthood will always be a gift to me. I will never forget the mountain that we moved and I will always appreciate this beautiful boy with the luminous smile who has made me a Mommy. <br />
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My past posts are the result of going to hell and back again and trying to rationalize all of it. Attempting to find logic where there is none. We gave up countless times only to try again. Over, under, around and through, ... we heard "no" multiple times and in a variety of ways. Sometimes "no" just means "not now" for reasons that you (or I) will never understand. </div>
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If you are out there wondering and waiting please keep this story close to your heart. If you told me a few years ago that today I'd be holding this joyful baby boy, I'd have a hard time believing you. You will find your way, those mountains WILL move. You just have to keep the faith and remain determined. The only way to lose the battle is to give up fighting. Your happy ending may not be exactly what you had imagined .. it may actually be better! </div>
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Don't forget to check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> web page for more blogs and info!</div>
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In love and light.. </div>
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~Shannon</div>
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-5058648010823711352016-03-29T12:04:00.001-07:002016-04-07T03:06:04.371-07:00our happily ever after<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">14 years. Looking back it's really hard to believe that we waded through 14 years of heartbreak to get to this year of our lives. This year where we finally got answers... when we finally saw those better days we knew were just around the bend. </span><br />
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My name is Shannon and I am a survivor.<br />
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A survivor of the unknown. </div>
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I married my husband at the ripe ol' age of 20. When I met him at the age of 17 I knew he was my other half. From the night of our first date we were inseparable. We finished high school and took on the world together. We went off to college, got an apartment and did our best to stay afloat. Things were never perfect but we were always a team. We were married in the fall of 2001.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our first date: Dec 1997</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our wedding day: 9.14.01</td></tr>
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Over the next couple of years we continued to build our life, we moved back home to be closer to our family, we searched for two years to find our own home. We spent the next couple of years after that renovating that home. You know that saying... "if you build it, they will come" ... yes, all the while we hoped to get our family started. </div>
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I remember the summer of 2003. Two years into the game..... someone had told me a story of a couple who had tried for 10 years before they were successful... it stunned me. I remember thinking for the first time... could that end up being us? <span style="font-size: 12pt;">And who knew..... it was.</span></div>
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From that point on our story played out like the roller coaster ride that only an infertile knows. Hope, disappointment, anger, frustration, fear, desperation to numbness. And then you start all over again. </div>
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We started with my OBGYN and moved on to the closest fertility clinic which is about an hour and a half from our home. I was 23 years old and S was 24 and the doctors weren't really on board with how serious I felt the issue was. To them, I was young and still had plenty of time. Even though in the same sentence they would acknowledge my most fertile years were quickly passing us by. We started with Chlomid treatments and worked our way through the check list to finally arrive at IUI (intrauterine-insemination). IUI's were covered by our insurance company. All in all we completed (5) IUI cycles. And by the last failure I had reached the end of my rope. All those months, all those hormones, all those miles. I was completely exhausted and the emotional baggage had taken it's toll on our marriage. We needed a break. So, we decided to take one of the doctors advice ... we started traveling. Las Vegas, Mexico, Jamaica.... we chased the sun where ever and whenever we could. We made some beautiful memories. In the in-between we also worked on adoption through our local foster care system. We completed our home study and completed the required parenting classes to become certified foster parents. This route just turned into another dead end for us due to the circumstances of our local social services department. So... we booked a few more trips... St. Maarten, Florida and Jamaica two more times. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mexico 2009</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jamaica 2010</td></tr>
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I studied Yoga and became a certified teacher, I took piano lessons and I started this blog. <br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">It occurred to me one day how much shame surrounds being infertile. I sat there thinking of all the couples I knew who had never had children growing up and wondering about their circumstances. Even my own grandmother, who didn't have my father until she was 40 years old (pretty unique in 1960!) How some of my friends treated me differently because of it. Why are we so afraid to talk about it?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
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I also spent those last 5 years or so obsessing and turning my wheels in anxiety - cleaning my home of toxins. I made my own laundry detergents, soaps, cleaning products. I cleared the kitchen of anything plastic and cleaned up my diet as well. I checked acupuncture, massage therapy and energy healing off the list. I had told myself I was "letting go" but in reality I was holding on tighter than ever to the hope that one of these things would be my answer. I learned A LOT and all of these paths brought me many benefits of a healthier life..... body, mind and soul; they just didn't lead me to any physical answers surrounding my infertility diagnosis. </div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Ironically, my last blog entry was in June of 2015. By July I was back at the clinic. A few things transpired that gave me the courage to walk back into the clinic. My 35th birthday was fast approaching in November. A friend reminded me... "it's never too late." I met two very kind and compassionate doctors who completely changed my opinions of those in the medical field. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">One of those doctors was my new OBGYN and during my visit to meet her we discussed all of these things. She looked me dead in the eye and said in the most caring but forward way that she could...... "You can spin your wheels with all of that as much as you want but if you want real results ... you have to go back to the clinic. " </span></div>
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And she was totally right. I had been searching for answers like a needle in the proverbial haystack. Was it some strange chemical in my shampoo? I was driving myself (and my husband) bonkers. I was over it. I may never know what is/was wrong with my body. Eventually (whether it resulted in pregnancy or not) I was going to HAVE to come to terms with this. Why not now?</div>
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It was then and there I found my resolve. I cringed as I suggested this to my husband. He surprised me by getting on board. He had his reservations... and we talked about them... it's not an easy path to take and we were well aware of all the pot holes along the way. But we had to try. My biggest fear has always been regret. I never wanted to reach that day when reproduction just wasn't possible and think WHY didn't I just do everything I could? </div>
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The hard part was the money. Unlike IUI, my health insurance provided no benefit for IVF. So this is a bit like taking $11,000 and putting it all on black at the roulette table. It's a total gamble. You could walk away with nothing. The planets seemed to align for us this time tho as we were approved for a grant through the department of health. It covered $6,000 of the cost! It was a true god-send and brought our out of pocket expense down to $5,000 plus travel. </div>
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We started the hormone therapies and the next thing we knew we were ready for retrieval (8 eggs!!) and then transplant... we had three viable embryos. We decided to place two and freeze one. The procedure went well. </div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">We had a 10 day wait to the blood test where we would find out if it worked. I remember my girlfriend trying to talk me into taking an at home test. I had a bunch of tests in my cupboard... but I just couldn't stomach the thought. I joked about having PTSD from all those prior negative results. I had worked so hard at envisioning our future positively for the transfer.... I couldn't figure it out when it came to the actual moment we got our "BFP" (big fat positive). Every time I tried I just went blank. I spent those 10 days practicing yoga and meditation and thinking positively. </span></div>
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The way it all transpired is comical in a way. I woke up that morning and put on my new tank top my friend had gotten me with the words "POSITIVE MIND. POSITIVE VIBES. POSITIVE LIFE." It was truly my mantra. I went up to the clinic, they took my blood and I headed back home in a daze. I was still on the highway when they called. I pulled over the side of the road and I still get chills when I think about the words I finally got to hear....."Shannon," they said... "it worked, you are PREGNANT!!" I was literally shaking with joy. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCXP7hdspPjgVOZkThJjtfg62t9iBZrPyADsnUwQSgq8lxz1jdMYMdVLkUWZVVlIpili-7NRpDNj0t9BKdpdFtLmP-o5aHSiFMcutZJ7qX7fth9p9zGax2cGAp8ze6YUeIwdHfIOpPUzY/s1600/snapmom4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCXP7hdspPjgVOZkThJjtfg62t9iBZrPyADsnUwQSgq8lxz1jdMYMdVLkUWZVVlIpili-7NRpDNj0t9BKdpdFtLmP-o5aHSiFMcutZJ7qX7fth9p9zGax2cGAp8ze6YUeIwdHfIOpPUzY/s320/snapmom4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our announcement </td></tr>
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I pulled myself together and drove out to my husbands job site. There was no way I was delivering this news over the phone. He didn't tell me until after but he was completely prepared for a negative. He was in complete shock. I think that now, at almost 33 weeks into this, it's just starting to sink in. I can see him getting more and more excited the closer we get. </div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Life is funny the way it works itself out. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd4XnoHP0yLzRHOiRdIhrPHFpeck-YxpYYPD_bV24fgqYmaZZ8gRc-DRXdLj4cmLbOJaQRwdyVQjUjhNUUEb4_47NAy9DCDwqm5mjDVWzooPHbLz6QwJsGYuq49OHekac3EszaO0J3ZUU/s1600/snapmoms9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd4XnoHP0yLzRHOiRdIhrPHFpeck-YxpYYPD_bV24fgqYmaZZ8gRc-DRXdLj4cmLbOJaQRwdyVQjUjhNUUEb4_47NAy9DCDwqm5mjDVWzooPHbLz6QwJsGYuq49OHekac3EszaO0J3ZUU/s320/snapmoms9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A pic from our maternity shoot, taken on that same dock we married on in 2001</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">When things don't seem to be working out the way we planned we get frustrated and angry. We operate out of desperation and fear. Patience and faith are the two virtues that were always the hardest to come by for me. Hindsight has allowed me to see that part of my barriers back in the early days were my own attitude, my own negativity. Only now can I look back and appreciate the journey for what is was .... a true adventure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Our story... it allowed us to learn and grow into the people we are today. I'm not sure if any other challenge could have worked on us like this one did. Now I can see clearly that this IS the best possible time for us to start our family. We are both in a wonderful place professionally, financially and emotionally. Had we gotten our wish 7 years ago... things would have been much different and dare I say much harder especially when it comes to working out the logistics of parenthood. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">30 weeks and growing! </td></tr>
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14 years.... and now if feels like our lives are just beginning. We couldn't have made it here if we didn't have hope, but it did take more to create our happy ending. We had to take action. We are so thankful to the medical professionals who helped us along the way, the medical procedures that made all of this possible and the true miracle that is modern science. I may never know why my body could not do this on it's own... and finally, I am at peace with that. </div>
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Don't forget to check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> web page for more blogs and info!</div>
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In love and light.. </div>
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~Shannon</div>
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infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-40783972405917045022015-06-03T13:35:00.002-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.567-08:00on authenticity....My last post was one that was hard to write and probably even harder to relate to. Especially if you are a parent. I get it, I really do. Trouble is, my perspective is a bit shrouded as much as I have always tried to deny it. <br />
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This blog has been a platform for transformation. I've always written to myself, but never have I opened all my deepest, sometimes darkest thoughts and feelings to be viewed by the general public. It is the equivalent of getting on stage naked, opening the door for all to judge. It is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. <br />
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It can be a freeing experience... but you have to be confident enough to know that just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't make you wrong. You focus on the connection with those readers who can relate, those readers who you may help. <br />
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Why do I keep clicking the publish button? <br />
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#1: Those of us affected by infertility are everywhere... but we don't know it. No one is walking around with a sign that says... "I can't make babies, no matter how hard I try." I do it because they are out there and they may be comforted by the fact that I am out here too. Being an avid reader, I have survived some of the hardest times of my life by burying myself in a book. It has worked as both a distraction from whatever current misery I was experiencing and it has served to guide me. I have met characters that have been through the same things or even worse. I have felt huge gasps of relief when I read something and realized that I'm not the only one. If I can bring that type of relief to just one person, than mission accomplished.<br />
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#2: I do it for me. I do it because I know that this project, above all others has forced my growth. Each entry is a meditation. Some of these perspectives may not be "right" by popular opinion, but that is not always the goal. The promise that I made to my readers (and to myself) when I began was honesty and as hard as that may be at times, I still remain committed to the good, the bad and the ugly.<br />
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At the same time, I've used a lot of energy denying anger, confusion and frustration. I never wanted them to see the light of day. As you may have read, I swore I'd never be "that" girl. You know, the one who could admit that her dreams were not coming true and she's damn pissed about it (and why SHOULDN'T she be)?? This is a question I've only been able to ask myself most recently. In all of my spouting off about being grateful and accepting things as they are, I neglected to consider that my way of coping may not have been the most productive or even healthy. That maybe "that girl" had it right. She accepted her anger and she was shameless about it. While I refused to admit I HAD feelings like these...and in the end, jokes on me, my shame has been holding me hostage. <br />
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As we all kinda know, denying our feelings does not make them go away. Sometimes, the harder we try to stuff something down the worse it can be when it comes back up. And it will ALWAYS come back up. <br />
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Writing this has meant processing all of those things I have refused to face over these years. The ugly emotions may not be charming or funny, but they are human and most importantly, they are real. And for all the times I have spoken of letting something go.... well..... how do you let it go when it's stuck down deep, right where you buried it? <br />
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I suppose the only choice I have IS to dig it all up, let it all out and I hope in the end that means REALLY letting it all go. Having never realized that my shame stemmed not from infertility but from the negative emotions I had in regard to it.... this is my new mantra....... <em><strong>authenticity</strong>....so, "in your face" shame!</em> <br />
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Through these entries I have had to see myself from the outside, identify some of my blind spots, confront my transgressions and develop a better understanding of all of it. I have challenged my own way of thinking and it's been a work in progress....200%. Because of this, I remain confident that my best days are in front of me.<br />
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Those of you given the gift of parenthood really have it so much easier in so many ways. There is no denying your purpose in life. There is no questioning why you need to get out of bed in the morning. You have a built-in escape hatch from life's drudgery.... if you've had a bad day all you really need to do is talk or play with your child to be reminded of life's simplicity, fun & beauty. <br />
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When my father passed away... things got dark. Having my three year old niece around was a profound relief on my heavy heart. When she wasn't nearby I longed to see her. She brought light where I couldn't find my own. So yeah, I get it. Just being in the presence of a child brings you to a higher level of love and a feeling of basic joy. Thing is, I didn't need to be a mother to experience that or appreciate it. On my list of losses are experiences moms take for granted completely. The overall message of my last post was this.... please, don't add love to the list too. <br />
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It's not that easy for those of us on the infertile spectrum... or should I just say "me" if I'm really going to own it? ....... he hem, it's not that easy for ME to watch everyone around me move on in their lives. Yes, I get frustrated when I hear people complain about either being a parent or the three months of "torture" it took them to get pregnant. It's not easy for me to sit back and just be patient, because as so many have tried to reassure me... that's all I have to do. (HA!). How's 13 years of patient for you? That ship sailed. I have to dig deeper to find that reason to get out of bed every morning. <br />
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I am still looking for that all encompassing purpose in my life. There are days that this sort of existence can just leave you spinning. Being grateful is one way to answer that - and it's always been my go-to but it doesn't always comes easy. Heck, it really NEVER comes easy. It's just that some days are better than others. <br />
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Don't forget to check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> web page for more blogs and info! <br />
<br />
~Shannon<br />
<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-20660456421480820902015-05-27T10:01:00.003-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.551-08:00what's love got to do with it? <br />
Scrolling through my <span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.1" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">newsfeed</span></span></span>
(I wonder how many blogs start out just like that)...... I see so many
declarations of motherhood and this above-all-else-in-the-universe-love. You know what I'm talking about... "you
don't know love until you're a parent" and blah <span style="background-color: white;">blah <span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.2" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">f'n</span></span></span> BLAH</span>. <o:p></o:p><br />
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Usually, I just roll my eyes and keep scrolling. But today I guess I've got
something to say. <o:p></o:p><br />
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I realize people are just taking pride in themselves, in what they are, and
in what they do. I get it. But why? Why do we consistently
have this overwhelming need to raise our flag so high that we overshadow all
others? Is it part of being an American? Or just a human? <o:p></o:p><br />
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Everyone wants to be the same. How boring! Here I am generalizing again, which is probably
annoying and many would fault me for...but it is MY blog and I see it
like this.....<br />
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Love is not some super human power
that only mothers are gifted when they give birth. We are ALL capable of
experiencing unconditional, gut wrenching love. Stop limiting yourselves and
most importantly all of us. <o:p></o:p><br />
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This special sort of love that only a mother knows.... it is the most <span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.4" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">preposterous</span></span>
thing I have ever heard. I try to tell myself they are all probably
right tho. I try to consider that someday if I have children I may stand
right beside them and make my own proclamation of this new and singular <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background: yellow;"><span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.5" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background-color: white;">existence</span></span></span>.</span>
This better-than-anything-love that you speak
of. But on second thought, even if I felt that way I can promise
you I wouldn't be screaming it from the mountain tops. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
#1: It's not true..... I may not have children but I know love.
I know it unconditionally and inside out. I know the joy and happiness and I know the
loss and sacrifice. That's the thing about love.... we can all feel it
and we all deserve it.<br />
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#2: I believe we are here to support each other. I don't believe that the
only people who deserve to be lifted are those who are walking the same path as
I am. <o:p></o:p><br />
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The trouble is that very few of us take the time to be considerate to
others. It makes all the difference in the world, in our society and our
communities when we appreciate the effects our actions and our words have on those around
us. I'm not talking about tip-toeing around and never expressing your opinion.... I am talking about being respectful and supportive to all. Not just your SELF and those just like you.<br />
<br />
So many are so busy showing off their accomplishments in life
(in competition with others) that this is forgotten. We need to
appreciate the value of the differences in those around us. Even
though we all have a different circumstance, we all have a purpose. <o:p></o:p><br />
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It is my belief that we are here to learn from <span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.7" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">each other</span></span>... not to become a carbon copy. Be inspired by others'..... not to be just like they are; but to find your own light and shine it for others just as it was shown for you. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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The act of motherhood is not exclusive to childbirth and actually comes into everyones<span style="background-color: white;"> </span><br />
<span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.11" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">life</span></span> in so many different forms. <br />
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Mothers, please, take pride in your role as a parent, but do us all a favor and teach your children that love is not exclusive... it is <span aria-haspopup="true" id=":z.10" role="menuitem" tabindex="-1"><span style="background: yellow;"><span style="background-color: white;">INclusive</span></span></span>. Our society would take a giant leap forward if we all brought a little more love to the table. Stop declaring yourselves the only ones capable of experiencing it. What if your child turns out to be infertile? What if your child doesn't want children? By your definition this would make their lives almost worthless right? Maybe this is something you've never considered.. and I bet deep down you don't really believe it. You simply don't really know the weight of your proclamations. <br />
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~Love.Is.Everywhere~</div>
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Don't forget to check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> webpage for more blogs and info! <br />
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~Shannon<br />
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-91343686783791192962015-03-20T12:01:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.594-08:00The (de)lusion that is control. <div>
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I've gained some (more) perspective and decided to adopt a new way of thinking (big surprise right!)<br />
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Over these 13 (count em!) years I've come to understand (and tried to process) a multitude of emotions. There have been moments of hope and excitement that were consistently followed by disappointment, frustration and anger. To be fair we should probably mention the numbness that comes in between.</div>
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The negative emotions have (of course) been the strongest, most persistent and overall, the biggest challenge to (try) to overcome. I can understand why people get grumpy as they get older. They've been burned somewhere (or multiple times) along the line. Life "shit" wears you down. When you are handed heartbreak it's tough work to resist the bitterness. We all get one rotten card in our hand; I suppose infertility is mine.<br />
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They say negative emotions can manifest externally. We develop behaviors and coping mechanisms in response... these things that pacify us... we cling to our habits and routines and most importantly we invest valuable resources to build those (internal) walls. The good, the bad and the ugly... the things that we rely on to get us through every day. It can apply to any situation really, not just infertility. </div>
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I've realized that in order to make up for a loss of control over one area of my life..I unconsciously focused all my energies on controlling whatever else I could. No failure. No excuses. I tend to take EVERYTHING pretty seriously. That has NOT kept me from failing along the way .... I'm just saying it's been me exhausting myself ... kinda like a gerbil on a wheel. </div>
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It's starting to settle in that not everything is important. It doesn't really ALL matter. Not all battles are winnable. I am imperfect; I mess things up ALL the time... and that's ok. Failure and disappointment are all a part of life. The sooner we learn what to do with them, the better off we are. This is why I believe it's so important for kids to play sports. This is a life skill that can't be taught through anything but first hand experience. Playing sports teaches us not only to push our limits and set goals but how to handle things when they don't go our way.</div>
The result of my rigid self-expectations has been anxiety...which is ironic since anxiety is the LAST thing an infertile woman needs. Anxiety is your bodies indication of fight or flight mode. When we want our body to reproduce it should be calm and feel safe. It is not likely that our cells will reproduce if they are completely distracted by survival. I don't have to do the research to know anxiety and obsessive behaviors are common in women dealing with any infertility diagnoses. I am not alone in this and I guess it all just comes along with the territory </div>
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I cope with the anxiety by way of O.C.D. Which is where all that perfecting business comes into play. I tend to be fixated with my environment... the placement of things, the food I eat and how much excercise I get. If I don't feel in control of these area's of my life... and I can't move something, clean something, organize something, eat something I approve of or get a work out in like planned... well, that's when the anxiety rears its ugly head.<br />
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In reality, I know we have absolutely no control of anything around us. We CAN try and we may even win some of the battles.... but the mission is futile, the war WILL wage on. Eventually, we all succumb to the exhaustion ... which is right where I've found myself. I've motivated myself right out of motivation. When I could (and should) be happy with progress I am focusing on perfection and that has got to change.</div>
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If anxiety is the result of a deep sense of fear and fear is driven by perceived loss, we can easily tie the idea of that loss to an expectation. It seems in order to squash the anxiety I need to figure out how to squash my expectations. <br />
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The bad news for me is that there is no clear action I can take to change the infertility situation. I can only fumble through on instinct and work to manage my thoughts and perspective. Win, lose or draw; it's all up to me. Part of me is content and proud of what I have been able to accomplish so far... excited to see all that will come ahead... kids or no kids. There is another part of me that simply fears reaching the day when this really isn't an option anymore and having regrets. I've been operating from the vision of that future day... not the one I am currently living. And this too can apply to so many things.. not just infertiilty. </div>
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It is critical (and I struggle with this one a lot) to keep HOPE carefully tempered by the acceptance of what is. Make peace with the present, as well as the things that cannot be changed within it. How can we know any ounce of true happiness until we learn how to accept life's defeats with a grateful heart. </div>
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It's one thing to hear someone say it and know that it's truth, it's another to feel it in your bones. When you know in your soul that even though you wish for better days ahead, this day is just as beautiful simply because it is NOW. This very second is all we have. We may not have the power to change anything around us, we do posess the power to control our own perspective.... to feel the anger and frustration and turn it into gratitude. Failure IS how we learn. <br />
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The way I see it, I have only one choice.. find the lesson and apply it to my life in broad strokes.<br />
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All these years I have been trying to figure out what it is to truly "let go." Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's not that we let go, but that we learn to hang on to the right things. Maybe it just so happens that the right things are lighter than the burdens and biterness, making them that much easier to carry and to keep moving forward. And because we can only hold on to so many things at once, the negative loses it's signifigance as we focus on the good stuff along the way. This doesn't mean pretending we have never been broken. Broken seems to be a fact of life. The difference seems to be that some hang on to the darkness and others cling to the light. We are the only ones who can control which we choose. <br />
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I have to trust that I am on the right path and at just the right pace. I will remind myself every day that I am enough and moving the salt shaker wont change the outcome of anything. I will always be a work in progress. It's an every day mission and some days are better than others. Once we peel back some of the layers we are able to address what lies beneath with new a perspective. It is irrational to fear a future regret... I do not live in the future, only anxiety lives there. When I get to the future, I trust that I will be a different person, with a different perspective and I will know that I did the best I could with what I had. In any situation in life.. that is all we can do. </div>
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Don't forget to check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> webpage for more blogs and info! <br />
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Stay well out there! <br />
In love & light, <br />
Shannon<br />
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infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-69094303210829550752015-01-07T09:39:00.001-08:002016-02-17T13:07:08.585-08:00It's been a long year. I haven't written in some time.... this year has been one that I haven't really been able to digest just yet. I honestly believe I am still processing a lot of 2014... and it may be a while (if ever) before I can make sense of it all. <br />
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My father is gone. With him went pieces of me that I didn't even know existed before I lost them. That's the closest I can come to putting it into words. He is gone and EVERYTHING is different.<br />
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In November of 2013 he was diagnosed with cancer and in July he passed. While I am thankful that his suffering was not prolonged; I am still in this state of disbelief and probably text book denial. Even though my brain knows this is the new reality, my heart has the hardest time accepting it. Grief... never ends. <br />
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My niece; who had a very special relationship with my father will grow up without him. To her, he will always be her "grandpy in heaven." IF S & I somehow manage to have a family, our children will simply never know him. <br />
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Here is what the loss of a loved one and the loss of fertility have in common: the loss of the future as you had imagined it. It changes your reality in so many ways.<br />
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Dad always believed we'd have children. We never talked about it ..... until one day I let my negativity take over. I spewed something out in conversation about how I'd never have a family.... and I will never forget his words or how it felt when they touched my heart. <br />
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"You are going to have kids" he said. Really stern and fatherly like. It was clear that he believed it and for a second he made me believe it! He's my dad. If HE thought so ....than it could truly be!<br />
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I still hope so much for him to be right. I just wish that he could be here to see that day. Pigs will fly, cows will come home and hell will probably be iced over. I would be filled with joy for an answer to our prayers; but it would certainly be bitter sweet because my children won't be able to call him Grandpy. It seems NOTHING will ever feel pure and truly joyful ever again.<br />
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This is life. I know that I should really be feeling thankful. I had 33 years WITH my father and that is more than some. I know that things could always be worse. Perspective is useful in keeping one sane, it does not necessarily take away the pain. We all experience loss; and grief comes over time and in a gazillion different ways. That phone call you would have made but can't; the gift you would have bought but can not give. With each passing event the loss becomes more and more real. Some say it gets easier with time; I disagree.... it gets harder. <br />
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Regardless of our feelings, time marches on. It has no concern for our comfort within it. Frozen, numb, anxious or fearful; we really have no choice but to carry on. The next hour, minute, second... it's all we truly have to hold onto. One minute is all it takes to change your life forever. That is the only thing that really matters. <br />
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So why worry? Why search for answers where there are NONE. There is nothing I can change or fix. After 10+ years of checking it all off the list .... including what I told myself were "breaks" where I "let it all go" ..... I've just never really figured out how to do it... how to TRULY let it go. I HAVE tried....it seems impossible NOT to hope. It's that "you never know" kind of thing. Like that couple you know/heard of who got pregnant after 10 years/adopted/stopped trying. Through all of the buried anger/frustration/grief somehow I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be looking forward to meeting our very own little one. You just never know... our own dreams just MIGHT accidentally come true. Every time I catch myself in this day dream, I know I am in trouble for I have not at all "let it go."<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnCoNlSkeBk8j5K0LZXmgH-De91KXopmG5yEqGH3YJvY6pMAUpHjhLkXg-sG9Mt9mpGK7ad0bDIk4PwVEXQIRcqfXhovn9DJTJIEcFvs5sw_WK1kj6dDjSgsbQeO1ERPiSU6HzrP4o-bs/s1600/hurting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a><br />
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I've driven myself bonkers trying to find answers. While I HAVE learned a lot of valuable things... there isn't anything I can "do" to make this a reality. I have to put my faith in the belief that.... if there were answers; they would be clear to me. So, I said to myself...... "Self, where do we go from here? How will you ever get around this without ending up certifiably insane?" <br />
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I don't think it's as simple as letting go of the hope for a baby. I think it's bigger than that. I have to let go of my expectations of the future. I have to accept each moment, each day as the blessing that it is. I have to appreciate what I have been given without constantly wondering... "when will it be my turn?" I thought that it would get easier as I got older.... and once again... I thought wrong.<br />
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So, this year I will work a little harder at acceptance and gratitude. Wish me luck! <br />
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-46537231579413127822013-11-18T07:31:00.002-08:002016-02-17T13:07:08.570-08:00Biological Clock..... BUSTED!It's amazing really. The amount of time you can spend thinking about something and still miss one very important angle. Once you discover it though, it's like a key that turns a lock within your mind. Realizations come in the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times.<br>
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I had an epiphany the other day. It came to me in my newsfeed on Facebook and I am seriously thankful to the friend that posted it for me to stumble upon. <br>
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<a href="http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/survey-reveals-ideal-age-women-children-8212-total-162400985.html">Survey Reveals the "Ideal Age" for Women to Have Children - And It's Total Nonsense by Monica Bielanko </a><br>
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The writer addresses an important piece of this puzzle; a generalized and accepted belief that there is an "ideal age" for women to become mothers. <br>
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We are anchored in our belief systems. Some of these we accepted without considering any other perspective, and until we sit down to reflect... we have no idea how limiting they can be. I guess you really do have to be careful about what you buy into in life.<br>
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Way back when... in the very beginning; when I excitedly purchased pregnancy tests and baby name books. I gathered all the information I could on the subject. It was then I read the ideal age for a woman to conceive and bear children was her early 20's and the doctor's agreed. <br>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYvOco_RrkGCaaIjs00k6qiYM6GH9j6q_roCkz5UTcKdNeRkl9Go2MSOsI0Y0k3eXo3bD_MUetmIeQEUUqK_kWeSPylEFjvsEGALeWJcdPU_ioNomnrqH0JalSxxu4FBDOT_3bENHWM3c/s1600/2ee67ded39dc151f02d4c1ec409c06bf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYvOco_RrkGCaaIjs00k6qiYM6GH9j6q_roCkz5UTcKdNeRkl9Go2MSOsI0Y0k3eXo3bD_MUetmIeQEUUqK_kWeSPylEFjvsEGALeWJcdPU_ioNomnrqH0JalSxxu4FBDOT_3bENHWM3c/s320/2ee67ded39dc151f02d4c1ec409c06bf.jpg" width="242"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Biological Clock - Vivienne Strauss</td></tr>
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I was somewhere between 21 and 22 at the time. I accepted this as fact. I set my biological clock against the statistic. I used it as my baseline when judging the likelihood of conception; and it was my guideline when I weighed how much hope would be acceptable at certain times. <br>
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As I get further away from that age; I tell myself my chances are just getting slimmer with every day that passes. <br>
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I hang on two key points;<br>
<ul>
<li>You are at least 9 years from your fertile prime. </li>
<li>There is no way it's going to happen NOW if it didn't happen THEN. </li>
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That little voice. It starts off with innocent hope and gets slammed with statistical reason.<br>
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Would it be a coincidence that this article popped up just days after my 33rd birthday? I don't know but it sure was good timing for a change in perspective and one of the best things about life is that we can always start over. No matter how old we are. <br>
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What if....<br>
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What if the Mr. and I waited until we were in our 30's to get married?<br>
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We could have waited. It's not like I was feeling pressure to get married BECAUSE I wanted to start having children at the ripe ol' age of 20. I just knew that I wanted to spend my life with this person. So, I went ahead and made that commitment. We were no where near "settled down." We were working on getting established in our careers; we built a business and our home. We were also having a LOT of fun. Having a family, it was on the list but it wasn't actually scheduled anywhere in our master plan. We just figured it would happen. And then it didn't. <br>
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In retrospect it's easier to see that the expectation of children was rooted in the fact that we had gotten married. Married people are supposed to have children and they aren't supposed to wait years and years to do so. People do not typically get married young, grow together and THEN have children.<br>
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Had we waited to get married until we were in our 30's; infertility wouldn't have presented itself as an issue. It would never have hit the radar. I was lucky. I found my love at the age of 17 and I married him when I was 20. What has dawned on me is that.... this, in and of itself does not constitute the expectation of babies to immediately follow. We could be the couple to set a NEW "statistic." You know, those people who got pregnant after 15 years of marriage. Heck, maybe even 20! <br>
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While it may still never happen... (believe me, I am not letting that possibility get away) there is no reason we should accept that our days are labeled and therefore numbered. If the Mr. and I were newlyweds... we'd still be excited and hopeful.<br>
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This sounds like dangerous territory for a girl in my position I know. But really, is there any other way to truly live? <br>
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The fact that it hasn't happened yet has lead me closer to the conclusion that it will never happen. I am not sure that is a fair way to judge the situation.<br>
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Does the fact that something has not occurred erase all possibility that it will never happen in the future? Or does it just mean your getting even closer to your turn? <br>
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I know I am not getting any younger but the fact of the matter is, I am not that old. I don't think that I am the only woman out there who has felt this way and it's not the first time I have reminded myself that women are having children into their 40's these days. Thing is; that long-ago accepted belief that my prime years were behind me always prevailed over my own inner voice. <br>
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The infamous biological clock syndrome is probably inevitable but that doesn't mean we all have to synchronize watches. Are we buying into a theory that no longer applies? We are living longer; shouldn't the "ideal age" to reproduce (if there can actually be one) rise in proportion?<br>
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In 1960 my paternal grandmother gave birth to my father at the age of 38. Certainly, this was unconventional for the times. I often wonder if this was by choice or circumstance. I am willing to bet that my grandmother had every reason to give up hoping for a child before she had one. I wonder if she ever did and I really wish that she were here today....I could ask her. <br>
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Either way, I am pretty sure everything happened as it was supposed to. Not one day too late; not one day too soon. <br>
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After reading this article I wanted to find this woman and squeeze her in the biggest bear hug for writing this and for sharing it. It has sparked within me a new will to start over. Letting go of the past allows me to start out on a new path. I have no control over the outcome and I am not afraid. I will ground myself in all the love that surrounds me and know that it is enough. <br>
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I really hope that more women feel empowered to set their biological clock to their own pace and are relieved of the constant ticking.<br>
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Don't forget to stop by the <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens</a> site for great info, links and blogs! <br>
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<br>infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-77649225326525274682013-11-06T12:05:00.002-08:002016-02-17T13:07:08.589-08:00On a Lighter Note.... Well, I've shared a lot of heartbreak and frustration... it's time to start talking about some of the funny stuff. These are a few of the moments that I look back on and smile. <br />
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On an October day in 2007 I was caught speeding down the Northway on my way to IUI#2. The clinic we went to is in the Albany area; about a one hour and 20 minute drive one way. An IUI is an artificial insemination. Sperm is collected from the male and then injected thru a catheter into the female.<br />
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Often, S and I drove to our appointments separately so that we could each go about the work day afterward. This particular morning I got out the door a few minutes late. I tried to make up the time but encountered not only traffic but road work. I was paying more attention to the clock than I was to the speedometer. S had been to the clinic at 7 that morning to "donate" and I was scheduled for the 9am "deposit" (yes, very romantic!) The procedure HAS to be done within a certain amount of time and I knew I was pushing it. And so, my lead foot got a little heavy . <br />
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I saw the lights behind me, pulled over to the side of the road and thought to myself... when he asks me where I am headed and why I am in such a hurry..... what do I tell him?<br />
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I thought if I told him the truth, while it may be a little embarrassing, he might have a good chuckle at the thought of a woman racing to the fertility clinic to "pick up" what her husband had left behind. I thought this might put him in a better mood. Heck, maybe he would even sympathize, put his ticket book away and give me a police escort. Can you imagine... Everyone get out of the way!! This woman is trying to conceive!! <br />
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No such luck. When he asked where I was going; I responded honestly. He didn't even flinch. He didn't understand my urgency or even see the humor. Heck, he probably hears it all. He wrote me a ticket for the full speed and sent me on my way. I still made it to the clinic in time for the procedure, but learned to leave the house a little earlier on important mornings such as these. <br />
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Going through IUI procedures and hormone treatments that are required can make it hard to make plans.<br />
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The summer of 2009 we were again determined and signed up for another round of IUI's. One of my very good friends was getting married and she asked me to take the photos. I was thrilled and agreed! When the wedding day came along we were knee deep in the regimen of injectable medications and ultra-sounds.<br />
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It is essential to take these meds around the same time each day. I knew I would need to go up to our hotel room at a certain time to give myself the shot. I kept looking for the best opportunity to take a little break. After the introductions and the first dance, I found the DJ and let him know that I would need be unavailable for at least 15 minutes. He said I was safe to leave. <br />
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I ran up to our room, mixed the meds, injected them and came back downstairs. I made no stops along the way. When I returned, I walked through the doors into the room and heard a collective "there she is!" As it turned out they had been looking for me the entire time. They were even announcing this over the sound system! I am not sure if there was some sort of break down in communication between the DJ's. or what but I was mortified to say the least. I just wasn't comfortable telling everyone, "I was just up in our room injecting fertility hormones!" so I let them think I was goofing off somewhere... if they had only known! <br />
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That same summer we were invited to a friends house for a Bar-B-Q. Again, we had to bring the meds along. They have to be kept cool, so we packed a small cooler and the sharps container; and we were off. <br />
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On the drive we joked that if we walked in with the cooler the hosts might assume it was food or beer and then we would have to explain. To avoid this we literally snuck the cooler in the house (and then immediately out) in what I remember as nothing less than a 007 mission. <br />
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No matter what we always had laughter. These situations presented us with the opportunity to laugh at our selves AND the situation. A sense of humor carried us through some really hard times then and it still gets us through today. There is nothing better for heart and soul. <br />
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Don't forget to visit my friends at the Stirrup Queens page! <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Just click here! </a><br />
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-12080989256312432622013-10-24T00:00:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.548-08:00The Roller Coaster ~ This is my 20th post! If you have been reading since #1 than you may be thinking... this girls gone crazy! If you are dealing with infertility than you just know. <br />
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It's the roller coaster. <br />
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Some days you are up, some days you are down. Some days you are sure of yourself and your purpose and other days you question it all over again. <br />
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The roller coaster is one of the most frustrating aspects of this for me. I have ridden it with full abandon, hands in the air, open to whatever may happen. Other times I have plead for someone to just let me off the damn ride. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1wpRPxZllHIVWqkvPRxvDrXwF1Y0EGRjcO0OiQv0OJlPYhaAE0Qot2LBbCwd9brRJ12hkb-YnFgQT4DephTcQjFeWR3IY18mI4iaNba5BtrmWxYh3WYElTAx9BkjxlYLU7tnz95vrXj8/s1600/roller+coaster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1wpRPxZllHIVWqkvPRxvDrXwF1Y0EGRjcO0OiQv0OJlPYhaAE0Qot2LBbCwd9brRJ12hkb-YnFgQT4DephTcQjFeWR3IY18mI4iaNba5BtrmWxYh3WYElTAx9BkjxlYLU7tnz95vrXj8/s320/roller+coaster.jpg" width="219" /></a>Even when I have reasoned that I may not be meant for motherhood....STILL I would jump for the opportunity. I just can't find true solid ground and I probably never will. <br />
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My best friend and I were talking about this one day and she said that she can understand how I would be all over the place and feeling different things given different times and situations; and she was 100% right. <br />
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Around the holidays I always think about having a child. I imagine how much fun we would have celebrating the seasons and carrying on family traditions. When my birthday nears I can't help but think of each year gone as another notch. <br />
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The passage of time; the dimming of any hope.<br />
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She suggested that I might feel even better about it as I get older and beyond my biological clock. She was totally right. There will come a point of absolute closure. <br />
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I am sure that my perspective will change. Will it be for better or worse is the question. It will mark the true and final end of a journey. There will be no more questions. No more wondering. No more little voice.<br />
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What will I do then? <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN7abgk-8A8Bc4En0JVzcAiraNJljEijiVOHr_KFam3g4z8DyR1qaMA1-AD_F3h_qvwDueWu_91fJzw1U1Wpqe5cD-l-IcZJolnP_9kCghA2Xzw45s1dyq7r8bEpGuJvh_UKanK0DuenI/s1600/cant+believe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN7abgk-8A8Bc4En0JVzcAiraNJljEijiVOHr_KFam3g4z8DyR1qaMA1-AD_F3h_qvwDueWu_91fJzw1U1Wpqe5cD-l-IcZJolnP_9kCghA2Xzw45s1dyq7r8bEpGuJvh_UKanK0DuenI/s320/cant+believe.jpg" width="179" /></a><br />
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It's not the first time I have considered this. The question has been in the back of my brain since the beginning and is one of the scariest things to consider. <br />
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Will I regret being so stubborn in my diligence to maintain my self worth? Will I wish I had thrown my pride and dignity to the way side to accomplish the goal? What if the weight of this only truly hits me then. What if these are all just tremors and the earthquake is yet to come? What will I do when the coaster comes to a screeching halt and it's my turn to get off the ride for real and for good? <br />
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This fear of regret; it is my blind-spot. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Sure, I am happy now... but what about later? <br />
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There is no answer to that question of course. It is an every day lesson in humility. I didn't ask for this, I can't control it and I can't change it. <br />
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All we can do is trust our instincts and carry on. I have no idea what will happen. I am just going to keep the faith that it will all make sense when I get there. <br />
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Looking for a great resource of information? Check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens!</a> for the most concise and helpful infertility website on the Internet!! infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-6165030544313307312013-10-21T07:51:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.577-08:00Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I feel like my last post could use some clarification. What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability. That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure. If I could; I'd like to take that back. I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different. I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well. I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space" and most of us spend our lives seeking it. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it. I may not be one of those people. That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees. Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future. I am not an ogre who can't stand children. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em> Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>As I write that sentence; I cringe. It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman would begrudge motherhood? Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>All the more reason to repeat my previous statement. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either. </em></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCly70WmZAFIhQ6HLWrt3CoXvxkUkKWQpq1xRuXQdfiV0QLEtCXDbx14EJ2kXrPPBIT9WfVoLIHLXlzZorHivaCCEhdn38yLNTde-2zIrquxP-gpsRaWPGQ4RNQ7k8-mo0Ord-KlOmE_E/s1600/deserve.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCly70WmZAFIhQ6HLWrt3CoXvxkUkKWQpq1xRuXQdfiV0QLEtCXDbx14EJ2kXrPPBIT9WfVoLIHLXlzZorHivaCCEhdn38yLNTde-2zIrquxP-gpsRaWPGQ4RNQ7k8-mo0Ord-KlOmE_E/s320/deserve.jpg" width="320" /></em></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite. I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more. I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do. At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted. Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming. Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance. There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example. These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space." The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em></em></span><br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-30356483164612568842013-10-16T10:02:00.001-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.557-08:00Not the MommaA couple of weeks ago we got the opportunity to take care of our two year old niece (C) for the weekend. We were meeting friends at our family camp up North. They have three children; one of which is my goddaughter. I was really excited for the two most important little girls in my life to meet and I was thrilled to be able to spend this time with C!<br />
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All that excitement quickly changed into nervousness the second I started to consider the fact that I would be the responsible one! I started to consider all the little freedoms that I probably take for granted. I have witnessed all that changes when a person goes from a child-free existence to a child-centered one. The focus shifting from self-fulfillment to self-sacrifice. I accepted that I would be functioning way beyond my comfort zone. <br />
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I'll just put it out there... I also saw this as a test and I wondered if I would pass. Surely, I told myself... I could accomplish this challenge of taking care of a miniature human for 48 hours. My niece is a great kid. She is a well adjusted with a cheerful demeanor. Piece of cake right?!<br />
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My full submersion into this make-believe parenthood started off smoothly. C didn't have any motion sickness in the car like we had worried about. The dogs managed to stay in their seats and not maul her with full face kisses the entire way there. She napped well. She seemed a little confused but knew she was safe and seemed to understand that eventually she would be reunited with her parents. <br />
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Somewhere in the second day; between breakfast and packing for the days outing I started to wonder... even if I COULD have children, SHOULD I? <br />
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I had fed the child but forgot to feed the dogs. Everyone was packed up and waiting outside for me to leave for the fishing outing. I finally appeared only to realize I hadn't packed one diaper OR wipe. Back to the house I ran! <br />
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C is potty training right now. And I did my best not to derail that too much. But I am an amateur at this and we were on the go a lot, so I ended up changing a lot of pull ups. The worst ones I changed by using a pair of scissors to cut the sides open; only to find out they are equipped with Velcro for this purpose two days later. <br />
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Bed time, day two and C didn't want to go down as easily as the night before. I know that books are a great bedtime tool - but I didn't think of one in this instant. I don't know why - it seems like regular ol' common sense. But it just didn't come to me. My friends suggested a book and it saved us from a total meltdown and eased C into sleep. Well, I should clarify that we still had a meltdown; it was just me instead of the baby. <br />
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I realized I have become comfy in my little existence. I love kids and I especially love my niece but I haven't really been a caretaker since my last babysitting job at 15. I know next to nothing about babies and children in general. Somewhere along the line I stopped being interested. I don't speak in months. I seriously question what is age appropriate every time I shop for gifts. I love to learn; but I am task oriented. I only find interest in those things I see myself utilizing in the future. So, the disappointments I have experienced have equated to this type of rejection.<br />
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It settled in on me that I couldn't do it all. I couldn't remember to feed the dogs AND the child. I couldn't figure out what to pack for an outing in a reasonable amount of time. I even lost the battle against the pull up for crying out loud! This was the perfect proof of my shortcomings and the fact that I was not put on this earth to raise children. <br />
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The parenthood. It truly demands 200% from a person 24 hours a day. This lesson was not lost on me. It led me to conclude that while it is necessary to the survival of our species to reproduce; it may be just as necessary for some of us to NOT have children. No wonder why we have so many people running around exhausted and all stressed out. <br />
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Did you know that Anna Jarvis founded mother's day; yet she never had any children of her own? <br />
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Rosa Parks, Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, Coco Chanel, Emily Dickenson, Julia Child all left important marks on our society. Add to that list; Helen Clark, Kat Cole, Angela Davis, Elizabeth Cole. These are all writers, activists and leaders in business who do not have children. Without these child-less minds our world might be very different. <br />
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<em>“I don’t regret not having children. I am very much at peace with that. Perhaps I do have that occasional twinge, but you can’t do everything.”</em></div>
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<em><strong>—Jacqueline Bisset, </strong>actress</em></div>
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At the end of the weekend we returned a perfectly healthy child intact with every accessory she came with. I couldn't believe how many times the one and only "ninny" was lost and found. When we dropped my niece off at home my sister commented that she learned about how much you can get done sans children. I joked that I had learned the opposite. <br />
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Check out the Stirrup Queens website by clicking <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">here!</a> <br />
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-56537463340382176102013-10-09T09:18:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.573-08:00Thank You. <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to write about. What is valid? What haven't I already said? What can the reader connect with no matter what their fertility status is? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I keep coming back to the same mantra. Embrace what is. You are more than your ability to reproduce. Maybe every post NEEDS to include this message. Maybe repetition is the only way for it to truly sink in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have purged so much over these last couple of months that I feel emptied. Writing this blog has brought healing in ways I never expected. One afternoon; I dared myself to click "publish." Ever since I have been confronting things that I thought I had "let go" of long ago. I was simply procrastinating the inevitable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We build walls. It is the best mechanism of defense there is. Nothing can hurt you if you refuse to feel it. Throughout this journey I experienced disappointments that resulted in the construction of a wall so big that nothing could penetrate it. When struggles came along the way, I threw them over that wall, into the heap and went on with my day. I went on this way because the only other choice was unimaginable. I promised myself this would never break me. Avoidance seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The trouble with walls is that over time they can be worn down. When that happens those feelings are waiting right there on the other side where you left them. It turns out feelings can be very patient. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eventually, you have to be able to see things for what they are and not what you want them to be. Opening this subject to a public audience has forced me to not only open my eyes but to tear down that wall and open up my heart. This is the difference between observation and comprehension.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, with all of my defenses torn away it all comes rushing in. It is a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have been collected over time. My suspicion is that this coping mechanism allows us to delay dealing with painful things until we are strong enough to sort through it all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The day I clicked that button, I decided that I was done participating in this group consensus of motherhood equating to womanhood. It may not be the last time I hear that there is no greater happiness than parenthood; but I am done believing it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I've heard that if you don't stand for something; you fall for everything. I felt it was time to speak up. I have been through every medical exam available, months of hormone treatments, five failed IUI's. We completed the foster care certification process only to meet an obstacle at every turn. Adopting through a private agency is not only another heart wrenching process but unattainable financially unless we want to take on a considerable amount of debt. No matter what we have tried the answer has always been the same. Yet, I am still here. Disappointment's may have knocked me down; but I never gave up the fight to experience happiness and gratitude (even if it is out of spite) and I never will. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have received feedback that some of these posts have really helped people. It may have brought comfort to know that they are not alone. It may have caused them to think of things a little differently. To write it has been incredibly liberating. The salvation of self is like a ripple in a body of water; no matter how small, it effects the entire pond. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Somehow, I turned the tables. Infertility used to own me. By using my voice I gained power. Now, it feels more like I own it. Being able to use this experience to help others, well that gives more meaning to it than I could have ever imagined. It is proof that there IS reason behind something that I've never been able to rationalize. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">From the bottom of my heart, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Thank you for reading. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Thank you for sharing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Thank you for all of your love and support. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~Shannon</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
For great information on infertility and some awesome blogs check out <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/">Stirrup Queens! </a>infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-22601416222743064802013-09-22T16:20:00.001-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.554-08:00Don't Let It Break Your HeartI never wanted to be defined "that infertile girl."<br />
<br />
What I am coming to realize is that it may be inevitable. This disease has had a part in making me the person that I am. Mistakes, faults and vices; I am proud of the person I am today. Why not let it define me? Why not embrace it for exactly what it is? Sometimes, in the way of our peace stands our pride. Denying my fate only allows it's circumstance to own me. By taking pride in reality with a heart wide open; I, in fact, own it. <br />
<br />
I have always been conscious to never place all my fulfillment in the goal of becoming pregnant. I understand how it can consume you and I have stopped to mourn along the way. But when I really felt the walls caving in around me I found something to focus my attentions on. It built my confidence in the fact that bearing a child is not a mandatory experience in living a happy life. When you feel the grips of sadness creeping in, turn your attentions outward. Not so much that you lose touch with yourself, but just enough so that you don't become consumed by it. Frankly, you have to get out of your own head from time to time.<br />
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At the risk of sounding like a broken record.... being a parent is a very important job but it's not the only important job. If we were all given the same purpose what purpose would there be? There are important things to be accomplished. Things that matter to the world, just as parenthood does. Even if you never have children; you can still leave this world better than you found it. <br />
<br />
So many people chase dreams that tear them down. Look at the cases of lottery winners who's lives crumble once their dreams comes true. They lose more in the end than they ever stood to gain. This is proof that being granted your biggest wish does not lead to ultimate and everlasting happiness. <br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">
We are proud when we have achieved goals we
believe make us special and worthy. It is only the loss of this satisfaction that causes us sadness. When you cannot find a way to change your reality; you change your mind. Let go of fear and hold on to grace. It isn't always a case of something that needs to be fixed rather than embraced. Once you turn your perceived loss
into a gain you grasp the control that feels so
out of your reach. </div>
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When you start to ask yourself these questions, when you start to re-think your belief system, you may hear your ego reason... "because everyone else
is." We struggle with entitlement and being left behind. It feels a little bit like you've been sidelined from the game of life. Benched indefinitely. </div>
<br />
I wasn't a very athletic teenager. When I did play team sports
I spent a lot of time on that bench. I learned that even if we were on the sidelines we were still important to the
game. We were needed from
time to time. We offered support. Of course I got frustrated and lost sight of the value. I resented that bench and wished that I
was skilled enough to be one of those starting players. I wanted to feel the accomplishment of scoring a goal for the team! As an adult this is just as I
have wished so many times to join the club of mommy-hood. <br />
<br />
For me, these wishes have not been granted. In the game that is life, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that
we have lost altogether? I hope that it is impossible for you to answer that question with a yes. If you believe it's true I beg you to go back to the why?<br />
<br />
There is always a possibility present regardless of whether or not we can bring ourselves to see it. <br />
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Our pride drives us to work for the things that we find value in. Some things are just beyond our ability to create. The fact that so many deny the joy in what is because we focus our happiness on expectations of the way things should be. To me, this is where all of the heartbreak begins. <br />
<br />
I think of the couples out there who hit this road block and go
their separate ways; hoping they can find someone else who they can reproduce
with. They refuse to accept that their future may not include parenthood
and throw away the future that is their marriage. This is like the child who does not appreciate their gifts on Christmas morning because they are so consumed with the gifts they are missing.<br />
<br />
For a long time I let my pride weigh me down as I perceived the infertility as failure. I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be engrained into my person. These days, I am starting to take more pride in my child-free life. I love my freedom. <br />
<br />
The way I see it; this life is a puzzle. With every experience we find
another piece. Each work in progress is beautiful in it's own way. We
can't rush it's completion. We can only be happy to be there at
the table; searching for the pieces. The joy we feel in discovering a piece that fits can sustain us through the frustration when the next piece eludes our senses. If you consistently measure your
happiness by your success rate of granted wishes vs. missing pieces; you
will simply always be wishing and you will never be truly happy. <br />
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Keep living. Keep loving. Don't ever let it break your heart. <br />
<br />
**Thank you to Stirrup Queens for adding my blog to their roll!! To check out the site and other great blogs click below!!**<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/">The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer</a> <br />
<br />
<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-67581521314260692572013-08-14T08:47:00.002-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.580-08:00Bittersweet<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There have been times when I have wondered “why me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not a pity party I throw for
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t trade my challenges
with anyone. I know that they were given to me for a reason. The emphasis is on
the matter of “why” more than the fact that it’s “me.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This disease is diagnosed as unexplained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meaning everything is working properly; but
yet it’s not working at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
nothing that can be fixed. Today, we are all pretty accustomed to getting what
we want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the hardest work; to accept
that there is no one I can call; no specialist or technician I can hire to show
up and make the repair(s) that may be needed to mend what has been broken. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no obvious solution to an “I don’t
know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Infertility has forced me to look within. I have always had
this feeling that it isn’t a medical issue at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somewhere along the way it became more
spiritual to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a feeling that this
is something that I have to go through to learn an important lesson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lesson that will transcend my existence beyond
anything that I can conceive before it is realized (pun INtended).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Every day that I wake up is an opportunity to learn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day, I wake up more aware.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is preparing me to be a better
mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a better mother in comparison
to other mothers; but a better mother than I could have been the day before. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Had my wish been granted immediately; I wouldn’t have had as
much to offer back then as I do now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will have even more to offer tomorrow. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We’ve all had our paths changed along the
way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are futures that we may have
believed in and they fell apart at no fault of our own. Diversions can be interpreted as a failure. When really, our paths are changed in life because even
though we thought we knew what was best for us; we were wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must open our eyes to the possibility that
lies beyond the disappointment, rather than wallow in our sorrows until we get
what we want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To sacrifice your joy for
what is unknown would be the saddest part of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There may be moments of frustration, but more
than anything, when I am old and gray and I look back on my life I want to be
able to say that I have truly lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will not die inside of disappointment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will seize every experience and opportunity
that comes my way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On the matter of the “me” in that question; I believe this
challenge was given to me because deep down inside I know what to do with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just have to dig deep enough to discover
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is possible to take the bitter
and turn it sweet. All you have to do is believe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-9673060648294591882013-08-12T09:55:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.598-08:00A Bullet and A Target<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">How can it be possible to feel both gratitude and loss all at once? Is it
reasonable to admit that you feel the freedom left by an absence but you would
trade in that freedom happily any day? Or is this a cop-out because it was
never your choice to begin with? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Why don't we move forward another way like most of the others? Why don't we
pursue adoption? Why won't I sacrifice more in order to make this a reality? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Maybe it's the little voice. I just have not let go of the glimmer of hope
that one of these days this is going to happen for us. If it does, I swear I am
going to buy the drug store out of pregnancy tests. I will lock myself in the
bathroom and take one after the other just to watch that second line appear again
and again! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Maybe it's the stubborn, rebellious inner teenager that says' "NO! You
can't make me!"<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If I thought I felt degraded at the doctor’s office, I had a reality check
coming to me when we started to navigate the waters of the foster care system.
The task at hand this time was to convince strangers that ours would be a
wonderful environment for a child.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We asked our friends to take time out of their days to meet with case
workers to attest to the stability of our character. There were background
checks, finger prints, 12 weeks of classes; 4 hours, one night each week. We
learned about all of the reasons people abuse their children. We were told it
was important to have compassion for the birth families. Of course we were
being put under a microscope. We ARE being entrusted with someone's children
after all. Yes, that someone may have starved and beaten their child scarring
them emotionally and physically for the rest of their lives yet, they still deserve respect and compassion. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I remember sitting in those classes and feeling my blood boil. Week after
week we heard examples and cases of abuse and were coached to believe it is
best to subject a child to more of the same as the birth
parent is allowed to re-enter their lives again and again to see if they can
pass the test. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This is probably the biggest reason I am not cut out to be a foster-mother.
In my mind; THEY ALREADY FAILED. I don't agree that a birth parent should be
given an endless number of chances to get their shit together when a child's
LIFE is at stake. I know it hurts a child to be separated from their birth
family, even an abusive one; but I don't buy into the theory that the
perpetrator should be treated as a victim. I will not sympathize with people
who abuse their children. I don't believe their circumstance excuses their
behavior. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">That may make me sound cold but I am so tired of our modern day mind set.
Accountability seems to have been lost and replaced with entitlement. Maybe if
more parents feared REAL loss fewer kids would be abused. If we raise the
stakes; can we raise the standard? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We sat down with a case worker to complete our "home study." We
hashed out our entire life stories; the good, the bad and the ugly. To me this
felt like begging someone to grant me something that so many took for granted
and that so many abused. Once again, I found myself burning up with resentment.
I resented every single second of it. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As a disclaimer, I must add that I do understand why the system is in place.
I just don't feel it's effective. While my home was inspected for general
safety & condition no one had any concern with our outbuildings. Wasn't
there a case a few years back where foster parents were keeping kids in cages
in the garage? And this isn't even on their two page itemized check list? Thanks to this
process we now have a smoke detector installed in our home every 300 sq. ft. or
so. I am not exaggerating. When I burn toast, the whole mountain knows it. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Our wood stove and small pond were both items we were lectured about. While
our garage could have looked like a scene from a horror film and they'd never
know. They didn't even care. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The system... I just couldn't work with it. I wish I had it in me to grovel
happily for the chance to give a child in need a safe and loving home. I wanted
to jump through their hoops and pass the exam. I know all the reasons why I
SHOULD feel compassion toward drug addicts who abuse their children repeatedly.
But, I don't feel it and I never will. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We completed the process of being certified to foster children. After
getting through all of that we were still excited at the possibility of
providing a safe home to a child in need. It just turned into another dead end.
I see these experiences we had as a sign. We were putting our whole selves into
the process and the only thing we were getting back was grief. Every
interaction turned into its own little disaster. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Was this the weak way out? Did I "give up?" Some may say that. It
felt more like giving in. I cried "uncle" because I could see this
system was too big, too much for lil' ol' me to create any positive change. I see each battle lost
as a sign that I am not in fact on the right path. <br />
<br />
The same part of me that still has hope for "someday" is even a
little thankful that "someday" hasn't arrived just yet. Kind of like
how I don't want Christmas to come because then it will be over. It's a missing
piece; a mystery left yet to be discovered. Even after 12 years of failure I
can't stop thinking that my day might still be coming. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Listen to me... I just can't help it. I will never stop putting myself
between the bullet and the target. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-39386914615771487022013-08-10T06:07:00.000-07:002016-02-17T13:07:08.563-08:00White CoatsDoctors. I guess I have to admit up front that I have ALWAYS had a "thing" about doctors. My parents have told me as a child I had a deeply embedded fear of those white coats. There were many visits I had to be physically restrained. <br />
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It has proven to be a sign of what was to come in my future. I STILL have a deeply embedded fear of those white coats. <br />
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When we began talking to the doctors about starting a family I was pretty young. We married young. I guess I can't really blame them for not taking me seriously. I WAS young. But, I had read that a woman's most fertile years were before she was 23. I was 22-ish. The year that had already passed by was a huge red flag to me. To be so young and not even have a "scare" seemed unbelievable already. They did tests. All was "normal" aside from the glaring fact that my reproductive system was definitely not working. It wasn't reproducing! This took us through the first couple of years. <br />
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I remember feeling scared. In retrospect; I just knew inside this was going to be a long road. About three years "in" we started seeing specialists. My primary doctor finally agreed that this might need to be addressed more thoroughly. Only, I had no idea what seeing a specialist REALLY meant at the time. <br />
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Do you know what the medical solution to this disease is? Pregnancy. The treatment? Hormones. Do you know what hormones do to a person? I think they are improperly named. They should be called "Raging Bitch Serum." Seriously, it would be more appropriate. <br />
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When you are in the grips of this you will do anything that someone tells you will increase your chances of success. And I did. I didn't stop to think back then. These things were items you checked off the list. If this lighter hormone doesn't work then you move on to the big boys. The ones you have to mix and inject yourself. Before you know it you are carrying a cooler filled with fertility drugs and a sharps container; instead of beer and chips to your friends bar-b-q (it's very important to stay on schedule with your shots).<br />
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Doctors are trained to use synthetic drugs in response to symptoms and when they exhaust that effort they shrug their shoulders, look you directly in the eye and tell you to "travel." Now, I LOVE to travel... but I have never resented a person in a white coat SO much. <br />
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Wait, no... that is not true. Just after my 30th birthday I "re-cycled." My GYN had moved out of town so I needed a new doctor anyway. At this point, I had experienced fertility procedures, discovered yoga and acupuncture. I had read A LOT. I was pretty convinced our modern medical system left a lot to be desired. <br />
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But, I wanted to talk to the doctor about doing basic lab work. I had read that your body changes it's chemistry every 7 years. My basic exams were at least 8 years old. What would it hurt? He agreed to those tests reluctantly and then explained to me that statistically; being married 10 years it was probably best if we didn't have children. He told me that it had been too long. <br />
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MARRIED TOO LONG!!?? Alright, now I've heard it all. I had thought of many reasons why this wasn't happening. I don't know why, but married too long just never occurred to me!?!?! <br />
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This white coat was insisting that we were too set in our ways at this point to be able to successfully "integrate a child into our lifestyle." REALLY?!? I've got to give him credit. At least he was thinking outside of the box. <br />
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One week I had a half dozen doctor's appointments! It felt like waking up every other day to go have your "annual" exam. Ladies, you know what I mean by "annual." It was a lot of white coats for this girl! Their "treatments" failed. Their drugs turned me into a hormonal waste case. I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable. It occurred to me at the end of the fifth failed IUI that the only time I was so low was when we were going through these treatments. When we were just living ~ I was happy; I was enjoying my time. It ended right then and there for me. We had checked it off the list.<br />
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I always keep this in the back of my mind. Whatever I am doing, I'd better be enjoying my time. I have learned the importance to truly living in the moment. I don't want to waste one second being miserable ever again. I give a lot of credit to the couples out there who can go endure even more of the process than we did. They persevere and they are successful.<br />
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I think it is simply what is meant to be. <br />
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<br />infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-47346854317986245472013-08-07T13:42:00.002-07:002016-02-17T13:05:53.567-08:00Hope In The Face of Absence <br />
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve learned a few things about myself along the
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need a creative outlet or I get
grumpy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yoga keeps me centered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Running & kickboxing help me blow off
steam. Piano quiets my brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I am unsure if these are discoveries of self or simply
coping mechanisms that I have used to blanket the fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I have been given opportunities to explore &
thrive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have I seized them or survived
them? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Inside is this voice that whispers… it’s never enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moment to moment; I expect too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I envy those that feel a calm in life’s pace.
They live out their days cursing their own fate and yet their dreams all come
true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I am here, still waiting for
you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">This isn’t the kind of waiting most are used to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting in the line at the grocery store,
waiting for your friend who is late for your lunch date, the doctor’s office;
this waiting has its own misery but you know that eventually you will get your
turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may feel bored or annoyed but
your faith is not tested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is much
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This kind of waiting feels
like you are looking down a deep dark tunnel in the path that is your life.
There is no light beaming in from the other side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have no idea what to expect. You don’t
even know the chances of coming out alive on the other side. You have two
choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can give up your faith,
turn around and keep living just as you are without risking the darkness or you
conger up all the hope that you can muster and you take your first step into that
deep dark tunnel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no reason to
hope. No one has encouraged you that passing thru this tunnel will bring your
dreams to reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That deep dark tunnel
in my life represents my feelings regarding my fertility. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Hope. It’s easy at first. But it is the hardest thing to
hold on to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To keep hope alive you must
be willing to risk constant disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When you can’t stand any more disappointment you move toward acceptance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just when you thought you found your own way
around that tunnel it sneaks up on you… well, what can you hope for now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope drives us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It keeps us believing that there is something
more for us out there. To me this feels like accepting that this is all my life
will ever be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never get the
chance to see my own creation. I will never be able to see my husband hold our
child. That hurts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">To fully accept your fate takes a courage so deep and
faith so strong that you are able to truly let go. No more hoping and wishing.
No more “maybe’s” and “some days. “ No more “hey, you never know.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are these stories that your friends
tell you constantly. They think they are helping but really it’s just
torture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They say “oh, I knew someone
who got pregnant right when they adopted!” or my personal favorite “I have
friends that didn’t get pregnant for 10 years.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That one is my favorite because I figured that would be us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And here we are; we will be married for 12
years this September. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">There is a new theory exposed every day it seems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could it be RX drugs, toxins or GMO’s?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any one of these things could have taken my
fertility away from me without even knowing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It leaves me wondering was it the ramen noodles in college? My shampoo?
The laundry soap?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could be ANYTHING!
And yet, it could be NOTHING. I am in a constant struggle between hope and
letting go. I wonder if one day I will be truly numb to it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe that is what letting go is really all
about. I’ve told myself that I am done and over it and yet I find myself
squirming; back in its grips, anxious with my own reality; wanting my life to
move on naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Vijaya","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe hope changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead of hoping for a certain future; I am hoping I am on the right
path. I keep faith in my intuition. I am right exactly where I need to be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8173940614189642098.post-71780232480219292262013-08-07T13:29:00.002-07:002016-02-17T13:05:53.574-08:00Infertile Does Not Equal InCOMPLETE ~ <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimG0HTTkDsvfWl3gRBR2Ds3qUGe0Pe7DcMu0vSdV1fIABdIovc5NxKReymi_wJ38-7xap-NbkCBD4xVl7wYu7v5zpupbehbKeb1KqGc9Nx6EwzNhYyBszi8TrZe8q_Tu05Q094pBgBnFA/s1600/mother.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimG0HTTkDsvfWl3gRBR2Ds3qUGe0Pe7DcMu0vSdV1fIABdIovc5NxKReymi_wJ38-7xap-NbkCBD4xVl7wYu7v5zpupbehbKeb1KqGc9Nx6EwzNhYyBszi8TrZe8q_Tu05Q094pBgBnFA/s1600/mother.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a><span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">A lot of
comfort can be drawn from the written word. In writing there is a release, in
the reading there is a connection. So, here I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Infertility
is a disease. It affects 1 in every 10 couples. It is painful and if you aren't
careful it CAN end up tearing you up from the inside out. But it doesn't have
to be that way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Not all of
us are meant to be parents. You are not going to believe this... but not ALL
women are put here to reproduce. Society has built this up for us as an
expectation of our woman-hood. What are we worth as women if we cannot bear
children? Well, I happen to think that I am worth a heck of a lot more than the
viability of my uterus. I wish all women out there dealing with this issue
could see themselves in that light; to see MORE.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">There are
some things in life that we can choose... our friends, our mates, movies, music
and the like. At the heart of it... the reality of infertility is that it takes
the choice of reproducing away from us. Sure, we can pursue medical procedures
and adoption. There are still choices and options. We cannot "choose"
to start a family... like some couples can. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">And that is
ok. Yes, I said it, It's OK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">It's OK if
you can't have a baby. It's OK if the chlomid, hormone shots, IUI's and the
IVF's don't work. It's ok if you can't seem to find an adoption match.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">You know
why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">You are MORE
than your ability to reproduce. You STILL have a purpose here on this earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">I had a very
toxic friend who used to say to me "I just don't know how you deal with
it; I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning." It was her
opinion that life just wouldn't be worth living if her uterus wouldn't
cooperate with her. Why was mine worth living unless I could call myself a
mother?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">See here's
the thing. We are not all on the same path. You may be meant to mother... I may
not be. I may be meant to be a wife, an aunt, a volunteer, a mentor, a big
sister. My life's path is all of these and more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Baskerville Old Face","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">I used to
say that money was the root of all evil, but now I believe that expectations are.
Expectations create disappointment. Why can't we be grateful for our own life
force? Accept the gifts that we are given upon this earth and make the best of
it. We do not always have to bend fate to our will. There are times when
acceptance is healing and it's important to be happy in the present moment, in
your own circumstance. We are all given our battles for a reason. I truly
believe that. Embrace them, accept them....... conquer them. Don't sacrifice
today for an unknown tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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3/22/13<br />
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infertile myrtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11384910670706934254noreply@blogger.com0