Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Bittersweet

There have been times when I have wondered “why me?”  This is not a pity party I throw for myself.  I wouldn’t trade my challenges with anyone. I know that they were given to me for a reason. The emphasis is on the matter of “why” more than the fact that it’s “me.”  

This disease is diagnosed as unexplained.  Meaning everything is working properly; but yet it’s not working at all.  There is nothing that can be fixed. Today, we are all pretty accustomed to getting what we want.  This is the hardest work; to accept that there is no one I can call; no specialist or technician I can hire to show up and make the repair(s) that may be needed to mend what has been broken.  There is no obvious solution to an “I don’t know.”
Infertility has forced me to look within. I have always had this feeling that it isn’t a medical issue at all.  Somewhere along the way it became more spiritual to me.  I have a feeling that this is something that I have to go through to learn an important lesson.  A lesson that will transcend my existence beyond anything that I can conceive before it is realized (pun INtended).

Every day that I wake up is an opportunity to learn.  Every day, I wake up more aware.  This is preparing me to be a better mother.  Not a better mother in comparison to other mothers; but a better mother than I could have been the day before. Had my wish been granted immediately; I wouldn’t have had as much to offer back then as I do now.  I will have even more to offer tomorrow.
We’ve all had our paths changed along the way.   There are futures that we may have believed in and they fell apart at no fault of our own. Diversions can be interpreted as a failure.  When really, our paths are changed in life because even though we thought we knew what was best for us; we were wrong.  We must open our eyes to the possibility that lies beyond the disappointment, rather than wallow in our sorrows until we get what we want.  To sacrifice your joy for what is unknown would be the saddest part of it all.  There may be moments of frustration, but more than anything, when I am old and gray and I look back on my life I want to be able to say that I have truly lived.  I will not die inside of disappointment.   I will seize every experience and opportunity that comes my way. 

On the matter of the “me” in that question; I believe this challenge was given to me because deep down inside I know what to do with it.  I just have to dig deep enough to discover it.  It is possible to take the bitter and turn it sweet. All you have to do is believe.