on authenticity....

My last post was one that was hard to write and probably even harder to relate to. Especially if you are a parent.  I get it, I really do.  Trouble is, my perspective is a bit shrouded as much as I have always tried to deny it.

This blog has been a platform for transformation.  I've always written to myself, but never have I opened all my deepest, sometimes darkest thoughts and feelings to be viewed by the general public.  It is the equivalent of getting on stage naked, opening the door for all to judge.  It is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. 

It can be a freeing experience... but you have to be confident enough to know that just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't make you wrong. You focus on the connection with those readers who can relate, those readers who you may help.

Why do I keep clicking the publish button? 

 #1:  Those of us affected by infertility are everywhere... but we don't know it.  No one is walking around with a sign that says... "I can't make babies, no matter how hard I try." I do it because they are out there and they may be comforted by the fact that I am out here too.  Being an avid reader, I have survived some of the hardest times of my life by burying myself in a book.  It has worked as both a distraction from whatever current misery I was experiencing and it has served to guide me. I have met characters that have been through the same things or even worse.  I have felt huge gasps of relief when I read something and realized that I'm not the only one.  If I can bring that type of relief to just one person, than mission accomplished.

#2: I do it for me.  I do it because I know that this project, above all others has forced my growth. Each entry is a meditation.  Some of these perspectives may not be "right" by popular opinion, but that is not always the goal.  The promise that I made to my readers (and to myself) when I began was honesty and as hard as that may be at times, I still remain committed to the good, the bad and the ugly.

At the same time, I've used a lot of energy denying anger, confusion and frustration.  I never wanted them to see the light of day.  As you may have read, I swore I'd never be "that" girl.  You know, the one who could admit that her dreams were not coming true and she's damn pissed about it (and why SHOULDN'T she be)??  This is a question I've only been able to ask myself most recently. In all of my spouting off about being grateful and accepting things as they are, I neglected to consider that my way of coping may not have been the most productive or even healthy.  That maybe "that girl" had it right.  She accepted her anger and she was shameless about it.  While I refused to admit I HAD feelings like these...and in the end, jokes on me, my shame has been holding me hostage.

As we all kinda know, denying our feelings does not make them go away.  Sometimes, the harder we try to stuff something down the worse it can be when it comes back up.  And it will ALWAYS come back up. 

Writing this has meant processing all of those things I have refused to face over these years.  The ugly emotions may not be charming or funny, but they are human and most importantly, they are real.  And for all the times I have spoken of letting something go.... well..... how do you let it go when it's stuck down deep, right where you buried it? 

I suppose the only choice I have IS to dig it all up, let it all out and I hope in the end that means REALLY letting it all go.  Having never realized that my shame stemmed not from infertility but from the negative emotions I had in regard to it.... this is my new mantra....... authenticity....so, "in your face" shame!

Through these entries I have had to see myself from the outside, identify some of my blind spots, confront my transgressions and develop a better understanding of all of it. I have challenged my own way of thinking and it's been a work in progress....200%.  Because of this, I remain confident that my best days are in front of me.

Those of you given the gift of parenthood really have it so much easier in so many ways.  There is no denying your purpose in life.  There is no questioning why you need to get out of bed in the morning.  You have a built-in escape hatch from life's drudgery.... if you've had a bad day all you really need to do is talk or play with your child to be reminded of life's simplicity, fun & beauty. 

When my father passed away... things got dark. Having my three year old niece around was a profound relief on my heavy heart.   When she wasn't nearby I longed to see her. She brought light where I couldn't find my own.  So yeah, I get it.  Just being in the presence of a child brings you to a higher level of love and a feeling of basic joy.  Thing is, I didn't need to be a mother to experience that or appreciate it.  On my list of losses are experiences moms take for granted completely.  The overall message of my last post was this.... please, don't add love to the list too. 

It's not that easy for those of us on the infertile spectrum... or should I just say "me" if I'm really going to own it? ....... he hem,  it's not that easy for ME to watch everyone around me move on in their lives. Yes, I get frustrated when I hear people complain about either being a parent or the three months of "torture" it took them to get pregnant.  It's not easy for me to sit back and just be patient, because as so many have tried to reassure me... that's all I have to do. (HA!).  How's 13 years of patient for you?  That ship sailed.  I have to dig deeper to find that reason to get out of bed every morning. 

I am still looking for that all encompassing purpose in my life.  There are days that this sort of existence can just leave you spinning.  Being grateful is one way to answer that - and it's always been my go-to but it doesn't always comes easy.  Heck, it really NEVER comes easy.  It's just that some days are better than others.

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens web page for more blogs and info!

~Shannon

what's love got to do with it?

Scrolling through my newsfeed  (I wonder how many blogs start out just like that)...... I see so many declarations of  motherhood and this above-all-else-in-the-universe-love.  You know what I'm talking about... "you don't know love until you're a parent" and blah blah f'n BLAH. 

Usually, I just roll my eyes and keep scrolling. But today I guess I've got something to say. 

I realize people are just taking pride in themselves, in what they are, and in what they do.  I get it.  But why? Why do we consistently have this overwhelming need to raise our flag so high that we overshadow all others? Is it part of being an American?  Or just a human?   

Everyone wants to be the same. How boring! Here I am generalizing again, which is probably annoying and many would fault me for...but it is MY blog and I see it like this.....

Love is not some super human power that only mothers are gifted when they give birth.  We are ALL capable of experiencing unconditional, gut wrenching love. Stop limiting yourselves and most importantly all of us. 

This special sort of love that only a mother knows.... it is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard.  I try to tell myself they are all probably right tho.  I try to consider that someday if I have children I may stand right beside them and make my own proclamation of this new and singular existence.  This better-than-anything-love that you speak of.  But on second thought, even if I felt that way I can promise you I wouldn't be screaming it from the mountain tops.
 
#1: It's not true.....  I may not have children but I know love.  I know it unconditionally and inside out. I know the joy and happiness and I know the loss and sacrifice.  That's the thing about love.... we can all feel it and we all deserve it.

#2:  I believe we are here to support each other.  I don't believe that the only people who deserve to be lifted are those who are walking the same path as I am.   

The trouble is that very few of us take the time to be considerate to others.  It makes all the difference in the world, in our society and our communities when we appreciate the effects our actions and our words have on those around us. I'm not talking about tip-toeing around and never expressing your opinion.... I am talking about being respectful and supportive to all.  Not just your SELF and those just like you.

So many are so busy showing off their accomplishments in life (in competition with others) that this is forgotten.   We need to appreciate the value of the differences in those around us.  Even though we all have a different circumstance, we all have a purpose. 

It is my belief that we are here to learn from each other... not to become a carbon copy. Be inspired by others'..... not to be just like they are; but to find your own light and shine it for others just as it was shown for you.  

The act of motherhood is not exclusive to childbirth and actually comes into everyones
life in so many different forms. 

Mothers, please, take pride in your role as a parent, but do us all a favor and teach your children that love is not exclusive... it is INclusive.  Our society would take a giant leap forward if we all brought a little more love to the table.  Stop declaring yourselves the only ones capable of experiencing it.  What if your child turns out to be infertile?  What if your child doesn't want children?  By your definition this would make their lives almost worthless right? Maybe this is something you've never considered.. and I bet deep down you don't really believe it.  You simply don't really know the weight of your proclamations. 

 

 

~Love.Is.Everywhere~

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!




~Shannon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The (de)lusion that is control.

I've gained some (more) perspective and decided to adopt a new way of thinking (big surprise right!)

 

Over these 13 (count em!) years I've come to understand (and tried to process) a multitude of emotions. There have been moments of hope and excitement that were consistently followed by disappointment, frustration and anger.  To be fair we should probably mention the numbness that comes in between.

The negative emotions have (of course) been the strongest, most persistent and overall, the biggest challenge to (try) to overcome.  I can understand why people get grumpy as they get older. They've been burned somewhere (or multiple times) along the line. Life "shit" wears you down. When you are handed heartbreak it's tough work to resist the bitterness. We all get one rotten card in our hand; I suppose infertility is mine.

They say negative emotions can manifest externally. We develop behaviors and coping mechanisms in response... these things that pacify us... we cling to our habits and routines and most importantly we invest valuable resources to build those (internal) walls. The good, the bad and the ugly... the things that we rely on to get us through every day.  It can apply to any situation really, not just infertility.  

I've realized that in order to make up for a loss of control over one area of my life..I unconsciously focused all my energies on controlling whatever else I could.  No failure. No excuses.  I tend to take EVERYTHING pretty seriously. That has NOT kept me from failing along the way .... I'm just saying it's been me exhausting myself ... kinda like a gerbil on a wheel.   

 

It's starting to settle in that not everything is important. It doesn't really ALL matter. Not all battles are winnable. I am imperfect; I mess things up ALL the time... and that's ok.  Failure and disappointment are all a part of life. The sooner we learn what to do with them, the better off we are. This is why I believe it's so important for kids to play sports.   This is a life skill that can't be taught through anything but first hand experience.  Playing sports teaches us not only to push our limits and set goals but how to handle things when they don't go our way.

The result of my rigid self-expectations has been anxiety...which is ironic since anxiety is the LAST thing an infertile woman needs.  Anxiety is your bodies indication of fight or flight mode. When we want our body to reproduce it should be calm and feel safe. It is not likely that our cells will reproduce if they are completely distracted by survival. I don't have to do the research to know anxiety and obsessive behaviors are common in women dealing with any infertility diagnoses. I am not alone in this and I guess it all just comes along with the territory

I cope with the anxiety by way of O.C.D. Which is where all that perfecting business comes into play. I tend to be fixated with my environment... the placement of things, the food I eat and how much excercise I get. If I don't feel in control of these area's of my life... and I can't move something, clean something, organize something, eat something I approve of or get a work out in like planned... well, that's when the anxiety rears its ugly head.

 

In reality, I know we have absolutely no control of anything around us.  We CAN try and we may even win some of the battles.... but the mission is futile, the war WILL wage on.  Eventually, we all succumb to the exhaustion ... which is right where I've found myself.  I've motivated myself right out of motivation. When I could (and should) be happy with progress I am focusing on perfection and that has got to change.

If anxiety is the result of a deep sense of fear and fear is driven by perceived loss, we can easily tie the idea of that loss to an expectation.   It seems in order to squash the anxiety I need to figure out how to squash my expectations. 

The bad news for me is that there is no clear action I can take to change the infertility situation. I can only fumble through on instinct and work to manage my thoughts and perspective. Win, lose or draw; it's all up to me.  Part of me is content and proud of what I have been able to accomplish so far... excited to see all that will come ahead... kids or no kids.  There is another part of me that simply fears reaching the day when this really isn't an option anymore and having regrets. I've been operating from the vision of that future day... not the one I am currently living. And this too can apply to so many things.. not just infertiilty. 

It is critical (and I struggle with this one a lot) to keep HOPE carefully tempered by the acceptance of what is.  Make peace with the present, as well as the things that cannot be changed within it. How can we know any ounce of true happiness until we learn how to accept life's defeats with a grateful heart. 

It's one thing to hear someone say it and know that it's truth, it's another to feel it in your bones. When you know in your soul that even though you wish for better days ahead, this day is just as beautiful simply because it is NOW.  This very second is all we have. We may not have the power to change anything around us, we do posess the power to control our own perspective.... to feel the anger and frustration and turn it into gratitude. Failure IS how we learn. 

The way I see it, I have only one choice.. find the lesson and apply it to my life in broad strokes.

All these years I have been trying to figure out what it is to truly "let go."  Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong.  Maybe it's not that we let go, but that we learn to hang on to the right things. Maybe it just so happens that the right things are lighter than the burdens and biterness, making them that much easier to carry and to keep moving forward. And because we can only hold on to so many things at once, the negative loses it's signifigance as we focus on the good stuff along the way.  This doesn't mean pretending we have never been broken.  Broken seems to be a fact of life. The difference seems to be that some hang on to the darkness and others cling to the light. We are the only ones who can control which we choose.

I have to trust that I am on the right path and at just the right pace. I will remind myself every day that I am enough and moving the salt shaker wont change the outcome of anything. I will always be a work in progress.  It's an every day mission and some days are better than others. Once we peel back some of the layers we are able to address what lies beneath with new a perspective. It is irrational to fear a future regret... I do not live in the future, only anxiety lives there. When I get to the future, I trust that I will be a different person, with a different perspective and I will know that I did the best I could with what I had.  In any situation in life.. that is all we can do.   

 

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!

Stay well out there!
In love & light,
Shannon

It's been a long year.

I haven't written in some time.... this year has been one that I haven't really been able to digest just yet.  I honestly believe I am still processing a lot of 2014... and it may be a while (if ever) before I can  make sense of it all.

My father is gone. With him went pieces of me that I didn't even know existed before I lost them.  That's the closest I can come to putting it into words.  He is gone and EVERYTHING is different.

 

In November of 2013 he was diagnosed with cancer and in July he passed.  While I am thankful that his suffering was not prolonged; I am still in this state of disbelief and probably text book denial.  Even though my brain knows this is the new reality, my heart has the hardest time accepting it.  Grief... never ends.

My niece; who had a very special relationship with my father will grow up without him.  To her, he will always be her "grandpy in heaven." IF S & I somehow manage to have a family, our children will simply never know him. 


Here is what the loss of a loved one and the loss of fertility have in common:  the loss of the future as you had imagined it.  It changes your reality in so many ways.

Dad always believed we'd have children.  We never talked about it ..... until one day I let my negativity take over. I spewed something out in conversation about how I'd never have a family.... and I will never forget his words or how it felt when they touched my heart. 

"You are going to have kids" he said.  Really stern and fatherly like.  It was clear that he believed it and for a second he made me believe it! He's my dad.  If HE thought so ....than it could truly be!

I still hope so much for him to be right.  I just wish that he could be here to see that day.  Pigs will fly, cows will come home and hell will probably be iced over. I would be filled with joy for an answer to our prayers; but it would certainly be bitter sweet because my children won't be able to call him Grandpy.  It seems NOTHING will ever feel pure and truly joyful ever again.

This is life.   I know that I should really be feeling thankful.  I had 33 years WITH my father and that is more than some.   I know that things could always be worse.  Perspective is useful in keeping one sane, it does not necessarily take away the pain.  We all experience loss; and grief comes over time and in a gazillion different ways.  That phone call you would have made but can't; the gift you would have bought but can not give.  With each passing event the loss becomes more and more real.  Some say it gets easier with time; I disagree.... it gets harder.

Regardless of our feelings, time marches on.  It has no concern for our comfort within it.  Frozen, numb, anxious or fearful; we really have no choice but to carry on.  The next hour, minute, second... it's all we truly have to hold onto. One minute is all it takes to change your life forever.  That is the only thing that really matters.

So why worry?  Why search for answers where there are NONE.  There is nothing I can change or fix. After 10+ years of checking it all off the list .... including what I told myself were "breaks" where I "let it all go" ..... I've just never really figured out how to do it... how to TRULY let it go. I HAVE tried....it seems impossible NOT to hope. It's that "you never know" kind of thing. Like that couple you know/heard of who got pregnant after 10 years/adopted/stopped trying. Through all of the buried anger/frustration/grief somehow I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be looking forward to meeting our very own little one. You just never know...  our own dreams just MIGHT accidentally come true. Every time I catch myself in this day dream, I know I am in trouble for I have not at all "let it go." 

I've driven myself bonkers trying to find answers. While I HAVE learned a lot of valuable things... there isn't anything I can "do" to make this a reality.  I have to put my faith in the belief that.... if there were answers; they would be clear to me. So, I said to myself......  "Self, where do we go from here? How will you ever get around this without ending up certifiably insane?"

I don't think it's as simple as letting go of the hope for a baby.  I think it's bigger than that.  I have to let go of my expectations of the future.  I have to accept each moment, each day as the blessing that it is.  I have to appreciate what I have been given without constantly wondering... "when will it be my turn?"  I thought that it would get easier as I got older.... and once again... I thought wrong.





So, this year I will work a little harder at acceptance and gratitude.  Wish me luck!

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!



~Shannon