It's the roller coaster.
Some days you are up, some days you are down. Some days you are sure of yourself and your purpose and other days you question it all over again.
The roller coaster is one of the most frustrating aspects of this for me. I have ridden it with full abandon, hands in the air, open to whatever may happen. Other times I have plead for someone to just let me off the damn ride.
Even when I have reasoned that I may not be meant for motherhood....STILL I would jump for the opportunity. I just can't find true solid ground and I probably never will.
My best friend and I were talking about this one day and she said that she can understand how I would be all over the place and feeling different things given different times and situations; and she was 100% right.
Around the holidays I always think about having a child. I imagine how much fun we would have celebrating the seasons and carrying on family traditions. When my birthday nears I can't help but think of each year gone as another notch.
The passage of time; the dimming of any hope.
She suggested that I might feel even better about it as I get older and beyond my biological clock. She was totally right. There will come a point of absolute closure.
I am sure that my perspective will change. Will it be for better or worse is the question. It will mark the true and final end of a journey. There will be no more questions. No more wondering. No more little voice.
What will I do then?
It's not the first time I have considered this. The question has been in the back of my brain since the beginning and is one of the scariest things to consider.
Will I regret being so stubborn in my diligence to maintain my self worth? Will I wish I had thrown my pride and dignity to the way side to accomplish the goal? What if the weight of this only truly hits me then. What if these are all just tremors and the earthquake is yet to come? What will I do when the coaster comes to a screeching halt and it's my turn to get off the ride for real and for good?
This fear of regret; it is my blind-spot. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Sure, I am happy now... but what about later?
There is no answer to that question of course. It is an every day lesson in humility. I didn't ask for this, I can't control it and I can't change it.
All we can do is trust our instincts and carry on. I have no idea what will happen. I am just going to keep the faith that it will all make sense when I get there.
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