I keep coming back to the same mantra. Embrace what is. You are more than your ability to reproduce. Maybe every post NEEDS to include this message. Maybe repetition is the only way for it to truly sink in.
I have purged so much over these last couple of months that I feel emptied. Writing this blog has brought healing in ways I never expected. One afternoon; I dared myself to click "publish." Ever since I have been confronting things that I thought I had "let go" of long ago. I was simply procrastinating the inevitable.
We build walls. It is the best mechanism of defense there is. Nothing can hurt you if you refuse to feel it. Throughout this journey I experienced disappointments that resulted in the construction of a wall so big that nothing could penetrate it. When struggles came along the way, I threw them over that wall, into the heap and went on with my day. I went on this way because the only other choice was unimaginable. I promised myself this would never break me. Avoidance seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The trouble with walls is that over time they can be worn down. When that happens those feelings are waiting right there on the other side where you left them. It turns out feelings can be very patient.
Eventually, you have to be able to see things for what they are and not what you want them to be. Opening this subject to a public audience has forced me to not only open my eyes but to tear down that wall and open up my heart. This is the difference between observation and comprehension.
So, with all of my defenses torn away it all comes rushing in. It is a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have been collected over time. My suspicion is that this coping mechanism allows us to delay dealing with painful things until we are strong enough to sort through it all.
The day I clicked that button, I decided that I was done participating in this group consensus of motherhood equating to womanhood. It may not be the last time I hear that there is no greater happiness than parenthood; but I am done believing it.
I've heard that if you don't stand for something; you fall for everything. I felt it was time to speak up. I have been through every medical exam available, months of hormone treatments, five failed IUI's. We completed the foster care certification process only to meet an obstacle at every turn. Adopting through a private agency is not only another heart wrenching process but unattainable financially unless we want to take on a considerable amount of debt. No matter what we have tried the answer has always been the same. Yet, I am still here. Disappointment's may have knocked me down; but I never gave up the fight to experience happiness and gratitude (even if it is out of spite) and I never will.
I have received feedback that some of these posts have really helped people. It may have brought comfort to know that they are not alone. It may have caused them to think of things a little differently. To write it has been incredibly liberating. The salvation of self is like a ripple in a body of water; no matter how small, it effects the entire pond.
Somehow, I turned the tables. Infertility used to own me. By using my voice I gained power. Now, it feels more like I own it. Being able to use this experience to help others, well that gives more meaning to it than I could have ever imagined. It is proof that there IS reason behind something that I've never been able to rationalize.
From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for all of your love and support.
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