Wednesday, January 7, 2015

It's been a long year.

I haven't written in some time.... this year has been one that I haven't really been able to digest just yet.  I honestly believe I am still processing a lot of 2014... and it may be a while (if ever) before I can  make sense of it all.

My father is gone. With him went pieces of me that I didn't even know existed before I lost them.  That's the closest I can come to putting it into words.  He is gone and EVERYTHING is different.

In November of 2013 he was diagnosed with cancer and in July he passed.  While I am thankful that his suffering was not prolonged; I am still in this state of disbelief and probably text book denial.  Even though my brain knows this is the new reality, my heart has the hardest time accepting it.  Grief... never ends.

My niece; who had a very special relationship with my father will grow up without him.  To her, he will always be her "grandpy in heaven." IF S & I somehow manage to have a family, our children will simply never know him. 

Here is what the loss of a loved one and the loss of fertility have in common:  the loss of the future as you had imagined it.  It changes your reality in so many ways.

Dad always believed we'd have children.  We never talked about it ..... until one day I let my negativity take over. I spewed something out in conversation about how I'd never have a family.... and I will never forget his words or how it felt when they touched my heart. 

"You are going to have kids" he said.  Really stern and fatherly like.  It was clear that he believed it and for a second he made me believe it! He's my dad.  If HE thought so ....than it could truly be!

I still hope so much for him to be right.  I just wish that he could be here to see that day.  Pigs will fly, cows will come home and hell will probably be iced over. I would be filled with joy for an answer to our prayers; but it would certainly be bitter sweet because my children won't be able to call him Grandpy.  It seems NOTHING will ever feel pure and truly joyful ever again.

This is life.   I know that I should really be feeling thankful.  I had 33 years WITH my father and that is more than some.   I know that things could always be worse.  Perspective is useful in keeping one sane, it does not necessarily take away the pain.  We all experience loss; and grief comes over time and in a gazillion different ways.  That phone call you would have made but can't; the gift you would have bought but can not give.  With each passing event the loss becomes more and more real.  Some say it gets easier with time; I disagree.... it gets harder.

Regardless of our feelings, time marches on.  It has no concern for our comfort within it.  Frozen, numb, anxious or fearful; we really have no choice but to carry on.  The next hour, minute, second... it's all we truly have to hold onto. One minute is all it takes to change your life forever.  That is the only thing that really matters.

So why worry?  Why search for answers where there are NONE.  There is nothing I can change or fix. After 10+ years of checking it all off the list .... including what I told myself were "breaks" where I "let it all go" ..... I've just never really figured out how to do it... how to TRULY let it go. I HAVE seems impossible NOT to hope. It's that "you never know" kind of thing. Like that couple you know/heard of who got pregnant after 10 years/adopted/stopped trying. Through all of the buried anger/frustration/grief somehow I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be looking forward to meeting our very own little one. You just never know...  our own dreams just MIGHT accidentally come true. Every time I catch myself in this day dream, I know I am in trouble for I have not at all "let it go." 

I've driven myself bonkers trying to find answers. While I HAVE learned a lot of valuable things... there isn't anything I can "do" to make this a reality.  I have to put my faith in the belief that.... if there were answers; they would be clear to me. So, I said to myself......  "Self, where do we go from here? How will you ever get around this without ending up certifiably insane?"

I don't think it's as simple as letting go of the hope for a baby.  I think it's bigger than that.  I have to let go of my expectations of the future.  I have to accept each moment, each day as the blessing that it is.  I have to appreciate what I have been given without constantly wondering... "when will it be my turn?"  I thought that it would get easier as I got older.... and once again... I thought wrong.

So, this year I will work a little harder at acceptance and gratitude.  Wish me luck!

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