The Roller Coaster ~

This is my 20th post! If you have been reading since #1 than you may be thinking... this girls gone crazy! If you are dealing with infertility than you just know.

It's the roller coaster.

Some days you are up, some days you are down.  Some days you are sure of yourself and your purpose and other days you question it all over again. 

The roller coaster is one of the most frustrating aspects of this for me.  I have ridden it with full abandon, hands in the air, open to whatever may happen. Other times I have plead for someone to just let me off the damn ride.

Even when I have reasoned that I may not be meant for motherhood....STILL I would jump for the opportunity. I just can't find true solid ground and I probably never will. 

My best friend and I were talking about this one day and she said that she can understand how I would be all over the place and feeling different things given different times and situations; and she was 100% right. 

Around the holidays I always think about having a child.  I imagine how much fun we would have celebrating the seasons and carrying on family traditions. When my birthday nears I can't help but think of each year gone as another notch. 

The passage of time; the dimming of any hope.

She suggested that I might feel even better about it as I get older and beyond my biological clock. She was totally right. There will come a point of absolute closure.

I am sure that my perspective will change. Will it be for better or worse is the question.  It will mark the true and final end of a journey. There will be no more questions.  No more wondering.  No more little voice.

What will I do then?

It's not the first time I have considered this.  The question has been in the back of my brain since the beginning and is one of the scariest things to consider.

Will I regret being so stubborn in my diligence to maintain my self worth?  Will I wish I had thrown my pride and dignity to the way side to accomplish the goal? What if the weight of this only truly hits me then.  What if these are all just  tremors and the earthquake is yet to come? What will I do when the coaster comes to a screeching halt and it's my turn to get off the ride for real and for good?

This fear of regret; it is my blind-spot.  It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Sure, I am happy now... but what about later? 

There is no answer to that question of course. It is an every day lesson in humility.  I didn't ask for this, I  can't control it and I can't change it.

All we can do is trust our instincts and carry on. I have no idea what will happen. I am just going to keep the faith that it will all make sense when I get there.


 

 
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Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space

I feel like my last post could use some clarification.  What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability.  That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure.  If I could; I'd like to take that back.  I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario.

This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different.  I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well.  I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space"  and most of us spend our lives seeking it. 

Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly  what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could.

A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it.  I may not be one of those people.  That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees.  Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future.  I am not an ogre who can't stand children.  

Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. 

 Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.

As I write that sentence; I cringe.  It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman  would begrudge motherhood?  Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold.

All the more reason to repeat my previous statement.

I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either.

Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite.  I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way.

Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more.  I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do.  At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted.  Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. 

That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.

 

Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming.  Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance.  There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example.  These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space."  The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. 

Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. 

Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are.  

Not the Momma

A couple of weeks ago we got the opportunity to take care of our two year old niece (C) for the weekend.  We were meeting friends at our family camp up North.  They have three children; one of which is my goddaughter.  I was really excited for the two most important little girls in my life to meet and I was thrilled to be able to spend this time with C!

All that excitement quickly changed into nervousness the second I started to consider the fact that I would be the responsible one! I started to consider all the little freedoms that I probably take for granted. I have witnessed all that changes when a person goes from a child-free existence to a child-centered one.  The focus shifting from self-fulfillment to self-sacrifice.   I accepted that I would be functioning way beyond my comfort zone. 

I'll just put it out there... I also saw this as a test and I wondered if I would pass.  Surely, I told myself... I could accomplish this challenge of taking care of a miniature human for 48 hours.  My niece is a great kid. She is a well adjusted with a cheerful demeanor.  Piece of cake right?!

My full submersion into this make-believe parenthood started off smoothly.  C didn't have any motion sickness in the car like we had worried about.  The dogs managed to stay in their seats and not maul her with full face kisses the entire way there.  She napped well.  She seemed a little confused but knew she was safe and seemed to understand that eventually she would be reunited with her parents. 

Somewhere in the second day; between breakfast and packing for the days outing I started to wonder... even if I COULD have children, SHOULD I?

I had fed the child but forgot to feed the dogs.  Everyone was packed up and waiting outside for me to leave for the fishing outing.  I finally appeared only to realize I hadn't packed one diaper OR wipe.  Back to the house I ran!

C is potty training right now. And I did my best not to derail that too much.  But I am an amateur at this and we were on the go a lot, so I ended up changing a lot of pull ups.  The worst ones I changed by using a pair of scissors to cut the sides open; only to find out they are equipped with Velcro for this purpose two days later.

Bed time, day two and C didn't want to go down as easily as the night before.  I know that books are a great bedtime tool - but I didn't think of one in this instant.  I don't know why - it seems like regular ol' common sense. But it just didn't come to me.  My friends suggested a book and it saved us from a total meltdown and eased C into sleep.   Well, I should clarify that we still had a meltdown; it was just me instead of the baby.

I realized I have become comfy in my little existence. I love kids and I especially love my niece but  I haven't really been a caretaker since my last babysitting job at 15.  I know next to nothing about babies and children in general.  Somewhere along the line I stopped being interested.   I don't speak in months.  I seriously question what is age appropriate every time I shop for gifts.  I love to learn; but I am task oriented. I only find interest in those things I see myself utilizing in the future.  So, the disappointments I have experienced have equated to this type of rejection.

It settled in on me that I couldn't do it all.  I couldn't remember to feed the dogs AND the child.  I couldn't figure out what to pack for an outing in a reasonable amount of time.  I even lost the battle against the pull up for crying out loud!  This was the perfect proof of my shortcomings and the fact that I was not put on this earth to raise children.

The parenthood.  It truly demands 200% from a person 24 hours a day. This lesson was not lost on me.  It led me to conclude that while it is necessary to the survival of our species to reproduce; it may be just as necessary for some of us to NOT have children. No wonder why we have so many people running around exhausted and all stressed out. 

Did you know that Anna Jarvis founded mother's day; yet she never had any children of her own?

Rosa Parks,  Louisa May Alcott,  Jane Austen,  Coco Chanel, Emily Dickenson, Julia Child all left important marks on our society. Add to that list; Helen Clark, Kat Cole, Angela Davis, Elizabeth Cole.  These are all writers, activists and leaders in business who do not have children.  Without these child-less minds our world might be very different.   

“I don’t regret not having children. I am very much at peace with that. Perhaps I do have that occasional twinge, but you can’t do everything.”

—Jacqueline Bisset, actress

At the end of the weekend we returned a perfectly healthy child intact with every accessory she came with.  I couldn't believe how many times the one and only "ninny" was lost and found. When we dropped my niece off at home my sister commented that she learned about how much you can get done sans children. I joked that I had learned the opposite.

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Thank You.

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to write about. What is valid? What haven't I already said? What can the reader connect with no matter what their fertility status is?  

I keep coming back to the same mantra.  Embrace what is. You are more than your ability to reproduce. Maybe every post NEEDS to include this message.  Maybe repetition is the only way for it to truly sink in.

I have purged so much over these last couple of months that I feel emptied. Writing this blog has brought healing in ways I never expected. One afternoon; I dared myself to click "publish." Ever since I have been confronting things that I thought I had "let go" of long ago. I was simply procrastinating the inevitable. 

We build walls.  It is the best mechanism of defense there is.  Nothing can hurt you if you refuse to feel it. Throughout this journey I experienced disappointments that resulted in the construction of a wall so big that nothing could penetrate it. When struggles came along the way, I threw them over that wall, into the heap and went on with my day.  I went on this way because the only other choice was unimaginable.  I promised myself this would never break me. Avoidance seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The trouble with walls is that over time they can be worn down. When that happens those feelings are waiting right there on the other side where you left them. It turns out feelings can be very patient.

Eventually, you have to be able to see things for what they are and not what you want them to be.  Opening this subject to a public audience has forced me to not only open my eyes but to tear down that wall and open up my heart.  This is the difference between observation and comprehension.

So, with all of my defenses torn away it all comes rushing in. It is a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have been collected over time.  My suspicion is that this coping mechanism allows us to delay dealing with painful things until we are strong enough to sort through it all. 

The day I clicked that button, I decided that I was done participating in this group consensus of motherhood equating to womanhood.  It may not be the last time I hear that there is no greater happiness than parenthood; but I am done believing it.

 

I've heard that if you don't stand for something; you fall for everything. I felt it was time to speak up.  I have been through every medical exam available, months of hormone treatments, five failed IUI's.  We completed the foster care certification process only to meet an obstacle at every turn.  Adopting through a private agency is not only another heart wrenching process but unattainable financially unless we want to take on a considerable amount of debt.   No matter what we have tried the answer has always been the same. Yet, I am still here. Disappointment's may have knocked me down; but I never gave up the fight to experience happiness and gratitude (even if it is out of spite) and I never will.

I have received feedback that some of these posts have really helped people.  It may have brought comfort to know that they are not alone.  It may have caused them to think of things a little differently. To write it has been incredibly liberating. The salvation of self is like a ripple in a body of water; no matter how small, it effects the entire pond.

Somehow, I turned the tables. Infertility used to own me. By using my voice I gained power.  Now, it feels more like I own it.  Being able to use this experience to help others, well that gives more meaning to it than I could have ever imagined.  It is proof that there IS reason behind something that I've never been able to rationalize. 

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank you for reading. 
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for all of your love and support.

~Shannon


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