what's love got to do with it?

Scrolling through my newsfeed  (I wonder how many blogs start out just like that)...... I see so many declarations of  motherhood and this above-all-else-in-the-universe-love.  You know what I'm talking about... "you don't know love until you're a parent" and blah blah f'n BLAH. 

Usually, I just roll my eyes and keep scrolling. But today I guess I've got something to say. 

I realize people are just taking pride in themselves, in what they are, and in what they do.  I get it.  But why? Why do we consistently have this overwhelming need to raise our flag so high that we overshadow all others? Is it part of being an American?  Or just a human?   

Everyone wants to be the same. How boring! Here I am generalizing again, which is probably annoying and many would fault me for...but it is MY blog and I see it like this.....

Love is not some super human power that only mothers are gifted when they give birth.  We are ALL capable of experiencing unconditional, gut wrenching love. Stop limiting yourselves and most importantly all of us. 

This special sort of love that only a mother knows.... it is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard.  I try to tell myself they are all probably right tho.  I try to consider that someday if I have children I may stand right beside them and make my own proclamation of this new and singular existence.  This better-than-anything-love that you speak of.  But on second thought, even if I felt that way I can promise you I wouldn't be screaming it from the mountain tops.
 
#1: It's not true.....  I may not have children but I know love.  I know it unconditionally and inside out. I know the joy and happiness and I know the loss and sacrifice.  That's the thing about love.... we can all feel it and we all deserve it.

#2:  I believe we are here to support each other.  I don't believe that the only people who deserve to be lifted are those who are walking the same path as I am.   

The trouble is that very few of us take the time to be considerate to others.  It makes all the difference in the world, in our society and our communities when we appreciate the effects our actions and our words have on those around us. I'm not talking about tip-toeing around and never expressing your opinion.... I am talking about being respectful and supportive to all.  Not just your SELF and those just like you.

So many are so busy showing off their accomplishments in life (in competition with others) that this is forgotten.   We need to appreciate the value of the differences in those around us.  Even though we all have a different circumstance, we all have a purpose. 

It is my belief that we are here to learn from each other... not to become a carbon copy. Be inspired by others'..... not to be just like they are; but to find your own light and shine it for others just as it was shown for you.  

The act of motherhood is not exclusive to childbirth and actually comes into everyones
life in so many different forms. 

Mothers, please, take pride in your role as a parent, but do us all a favor and teach your children that love is not exclusive... it is INclusive.  Our society would take a giant leap forward if we all brought a little more love to the table.  Stop declaring yourselves the only ones capable of experiencing it.  What if your child turns out to be infertile?  What if your child doesn't want children?  By your definition this would make their lives almost worthless right? Maybe this is something you've never considered.. and I bet deep down you don't really believe it.  You simply don't really know the weight of your proclamations. 

 

 

~Love.Is.Everywhere~

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!




~Shannon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The (de)lusion that is control.

I've gained some (more) perspective and decided to adopt a new way of thinking (big surprise right!)

 

Over these 13 (count em!) years I've come to understand (and tried to process) a multitude of emotions. There have been moments of hope and excitement that were consistently followed by disappointment, frustration and anger.  To be fair we should probably mention the numbness that comes in between.

The negative emotions have (of course) been the strongest, most persistent and overall, the biggest challenge to (try) to overcome.  I can understand why people get grumpy as they get older. They've been burned somewhere (or multiple times) along the line. Life "shit" wears you down. When you are handed heartbreak it's tough work to resist the bitterness. We all get one rotten card in our hand; I suppose infertility is mine.

They say negative emotions can manifest externally. We develop behaviors and coping mechanisms in response... these things that pacify us... we cling to our habits and routines and most importantly we invest valuable resources to build those (internal) walls. The good, the bad and the ugly... the things that we rely on to get us through every day.  It can apply to any situation really, not just infertility.  

I've realized that in order to make up for a loss of control over one area of my life..I unconsciously focused all my energies on controlling whatever else I could.  No failure. No excuses.  I tend to take EVERYTHING pretty seriously. That has NOT kept me from failing along the way .... I'm just saying it's been me exhausting myself ... kinda like a gerbil on a wheel.   

 

It's starting to settle in that not everything is important. It doesn't really ALL matter. Not all battles are winnable. I am imperfect; I mess things up ALL the time... and that's ok.  Failure and disappointment are all a part of life. The sooner we learn what to do with them, the better off we are. This is why I believe it's so important for kids to play sports.   This is a life skill that can't be taught through anything but first hand experience.  Playing sports teaches us not only to push our limits and set goals but how to handle things when they don't go our way.

The result of my rigid self-expectations has been anxiety...which is ironic since anxiety is the LAST thing an infertile woman needs.  Anxiety is your bodies indication of fight or flight mode. When we want our body to reproduce it should be calm and feel safe. It is not likely that our cells will reproduce if they are completely distracted by survival. I don't have to do the research to know anxiety and obsessive behaviors are common in women dealing with any infertility diagnoses. I am not alone in this and I guess it all just comes along with the territory

I cope with the anxiety by way of O.C.D. Which is where all that perfecting business comes into play. I tend to be fixated with my environment... the placement of things, the food I eat and how much excercise I get. If I don't feel in control of these area's of my life... and I can't move something, clean something, organize something, eat something I approve of or get a work out in like planned... well, that's when the anxiety rears its ugly head.

 

In reality, I know we have absolutely no control of anything around us.  We CAN try and we may even win some of the battles.... but the mission is futile, the war WILL wage on.  Eventually, we all succumb to the exhaustion ... which is right where I've found myself.  I've motivated myself right out of motivation. When I could (and should) be happy with progress I am focusing on perfection and that has got to change.

If anxiety is the result of a deep sense of fear and fear is driven by perceived loss, we can easily tie the idea of that loss to an expectation.   It seems in order to squash the anxiety I need to figure out how to squash my expectations. 

The bad news for me is that there is no clear action I can take to change the infertility situation. I can only fumble through on instinct and work to manage my thoughts and perspective. Win, lose or draw; it's all up to me.  Part of me is content and proud of what I have been able to accomplish so far... excited to see all that will come ahead... kids or no kids.  There is another part of me that simply fears reaching the day when this really isn't an option anymore and having regrets. I've been operating from the vision of that future day... not the one I am currently living. And this too can apply to so many things.. not just infertiilty. 

It is critical (and I struggle with this one a lot) to keep HOPE carefully tempered by the acceptance of what is.  Make peace with the present, as well as the things that cannot be changed within it. How can we know any ounce of true happiness until we learn how to accept life's defeats with a grateful heart. 

It's one thing to hear someone say it and know that it's truth, it's another to feel it in your bones. When you know in your soul that even though you wish for better days ahead, this day is just as beautiful simply because it is NOW.  This very second is all we have. We may not have the power to change anything around us, we do posess the power to control our own perspective.... to feel the anger and frustration and turn it into gratitude. Failure IS how we learn. 

The way I see it, I have only one choice.. find the lesson and apply it to my life in broad strokes.

All these years I have been trying to figure out what it is to truly "let go."  Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong.  Maybe it's not that we let go, but that we learn to hang on to the right things. Maybe it just so happens that the right things are lighter than the burdens and biterness, making them that much easier to carry and to keep moving forward. And because we can only hold on to so many things at once, the negative loses it's signifigance as we focus on the good stuff along the way.  This doesn't mean pretending we have never been broken.  Broken seems to be a fact of life. The difference seems to be that some hang on to the darkness and others cling to the light. We are the only ones who can control which we choose.

I have to trust that I am on the right path and at just the right pace. I will remind myself every day that I am enough and moving the salt shaker wont change the outcome of anything. I will always be a work in progress.  It's an every day mission and some days are better than others. Once we peel back some of the layers we are able to address what lies beneath with new a perspective. It is irrational to fear a future regret... I do not live in the future, only anxiety lives there. When I get to the future, I trust that I will be a different person, with a different perspective and I will know that I did the best I could with what I had.  In any situation in life.. that is all we can do.   

 

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!

Stay well out there!
In love & light,
Shannon

It's been a long year.

I haven't written in some time.... this year has been one that I haven't really been able to digest just yet.  I honestly believe I am still processing a lot of 2014... and it may be a while (if ever) before I can  make sense of it all.

My father is gone. With him went pieces of me that I didn't even know existed before I lost them.  That's the closest I can come to putting it into words.  He is gone and EVERYTHING is different.

 

In November of 2013 he was diagnosed with cancer and in July he passed.  While I am thankful that his suffering was not prolonged; I am still in this state of disbelief and probably text book denial.  Even though my brain knows this is the new reality, my heart has the hardest time accepting it.  Grief... never ends.

My niece; who had a very special relationship with my father will grow up without him.  To her, he will always be her "grandpy in heaven." IF S & I somehow manage to have a family, our children will simply never know him. 


Here is what the loss of a loved one and the loss of fertility have in common:  the loss of the future as you had imagined it.  It changes your reality in so many ways.

Dad always believed we'd have children.  We never talked about it ..... until one day I let my negativity take over. I spewed something out in conversation about how I'd never have a family.... and I will never forget his words or how it felt when they touched my heart. 

"You are going to have kids" he said.  Really stern and fatherly like.  It was clear that he believed it and for a second he made me believe it! He's my dad.  If HE thought so ....than it could truly be!

I still hope so much for him to be right.  I just wish that he could be here to see that day.  Pigs will fly, cows will come home and hell will probably be iced over. I would be filled with joy for an answer to our prayers; but it would certainly be bitter sweet because my children won't be able to call him Grandpy.  It seems NOTHING will ever feel pure and truly joyful ever again.

This is life.   I know that I should really be feeling thankful.  I had 33 years WITH my father and that is more than some.   I know that things could always be worse.  Perspective is useful in keeping one sane, it does not necessarily take away the pain.  We all experience loss; and grief comes over time and in a gazillion different ways.  That phone call you would have made but can't; the gift you would have bought but can not give.  With each passing event the loss becomes more and more real.  Some say it gets easier with time; I disagree.... it gets harder.

Regardless of our feelings, time marches on.  It has no concern for our comfort within it.  Frozen, numb, anxious or fearful; we really have no choice but to carry on.  The next hour, minute, second... it's all we truly have to hold onto. One minute is all it takes to change your life forever.  That is the only thing that really matters.

So why worry?  Why search for answers where there are NONE.  There is nothing I can change or fix. After 10+ years of checking it all off the list .... including what I told myself were "breaks" where I "let it all go" ..... I've just never really figured out how to do it... how to TRULY let it go. I HAVE tried....it seems impossible NOT to hope. It's that "you never know" kind of thing. Like that couple you know/heard of who got pregnant after 10 years/adopted/stopped trying. Through all of the buried anger/frustration/grief somehow I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be looking forward to meeting our very own little one. You just never know...  our own dreams just MIGHT accidentally come true. Every time I catch myself in this day dream, I know I am in trouble for I have not at all "let it go." 

I've driven myself bonkers trying to find answers. While I HAVE learned a lot of valuable things... there isn't anything I can "do" to make this a reality.  I have to put my faith in the belief that.... if there were answers; they would be clear to me. So, I said to myself......  "Self, where do we go from here? How will you ever get around this without ending up certifiably insane?"

I don't think it's as simple as letting go of the hope for a baby.  I think it's bigger than that.  I have to let go of my expectations of the future.  I have to accept each moment, each day as the blessing that it is.  I have to appreciate what I have been given without constantly wondering... "when will it be my turn?"  I thought that it would get easier as I got older.... and once again... I thought wrong.





So, this year I will work a little harder at acceptance and gratitude.  Wish me luck!

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!



~Shannon

Biological Clock..... BUSTED!

It's amazing really.  The amount of time you can spend thinking about something and still miss one very important angle. Once you discover it though, it's like a key that turns a lock within your mind. Realizations come in the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times.

I had an epiphany the other day.  It came to me in my newsfeed on Facebook and I am seriously thankful to the friend that posted it for me to stumble upon.

Survey Reveals the "Ideal Age" for Women to Have Children - And It's Total Nonsense by Monica Bielanko

The writer addresses an important piece of this puzzle;  a generalized and accepted belief that there is an "ideal age" for women to become mothers.

We are anchored in our belief systems. Some of these we accepted without considering any other perspective, and until we sit down to reflect... we have no idea how limiting they can  be. I guess you really do have to be careful about what you buy into in life.

Way back when... in the very beginning; when I excitedly purchased pregnancy tests and baby name books. I gathered all the information I could on the subject. It was then I read the ideal age for a woman to conceive and bear children was her early 20's and the doctor's agreed.

Biological Clock - Vivienne Strauss

I was somewhere between 21 and 22 at the time.  I accepted this as fact.  I set my biological clock against the statistic.  I used it as my baseline when judging the likelihood of conception; and it was my guideline when I weighed how much hope would be acceptable at certain times.

As I get further away from that age; I tell myself my chances are just getting slimmer with every day that passes.

I hang on two key points;

• You are at least 9 years from your fertile prime.
• There is no way it's going to happen NOW if it didn't happen THEN.

That little voice.  It starts off with innocent hope and gets slammed with statistical reason.

Would it be a coincidence that this article popped up just days after my 33rd birthday?  I don't know but it sure was good timing for a change in perspective and one of the best things about life is that we can always start over.  No matter how old we are.

What if....

What if the Mr. and I waited until we were in our 30's to get married?

We could have waited. It's not like I was feeling pressure to get married BECAUSE I wanted to start having children at the ripe ol' age of 20.  I just knew that I wanted to spend my life with this person. So, I went ahead and made that commitment.  We were no where near "settled down."  We were working on getting established in our careers; we built a business and our home. We were also having a LOT of fun. Having a family, it was on the list but it wasn't actually scheduled anywhere in our master plan.  We just figured it would happen.  And then it didn't.  

In retrospect it's easier to see that the expectation of children was rooted in the fact that we had gotten  married.  Married people are supposed to have children and they aren't supposed to wait years and years to do so. People do not typically get married young, grow together and THEN have children.

Had we waited to get married until we were in our 30's; infertility wouldn't have presented itself as an issue.  It would never have hit the radar. I was lucky. I found my love at the age of 17 and I married him when I was 20.  What has dawned on me is that.... this, in and of itself does not constitute the expectation of babies to immediately follow.  We could be the couple to set a NEW "statistic."  You know, those people who got pregnant after 15 years of marriage.  Heck, maybe even 20! 

While it may still never happen... (believe me, I am not letting that possibility get away) there is no reason we should accept that our days are labeled and therefore numbered. If the Mr. and I were newlyweds... we'd still be excited and hopeful.

This sounds like dangerous territory for a girl in my position I know.  But really, is there any other way to truly live? 

The fact that it hasn't happened yet has lead me closer to the conclusion that it will never happen. I am not sure that is a fair way to judge the situation.

Does the fact that something has not occurred erase all possibility that it will never happen in the future?  Or does it just mean your getting even closer to your turn?

I know I am not getting any younger but the fact of the matter is, I am not that old. I don't think that I am the only woman out there who has felt this way and it's not the first time I have reminded myself that women are having children into their 40's these days.  Thing is; that long-ago accepted belief that my prime years were behind me always prevailed over my own inner voice. 

The infamous biological clock syndrome is probably inevitable but that doesn't mean we all have to synchronize watches. Are we buying into a theory that no longer applies? We are living longer; shouldn't the "ideal age" to reproduce (if there can actually be one) rise in proportion?

In 1960 my paternal grandmother gave birth to my father at the age of 38.  Certainly, this was unconventional for the times.  I often wonder if this was by choice or circumstance. I am willing to bet that my grandmother had every reason to give up hoping for a child before she had one.  I wonder if she ever did and I really wish that she were here today....I could ask her.

Either way, I am pretty sure everything happened as it was supposed to.  Not one day too late; not one day too soon.

After reading this article I wanted to find this woman and squeeze her in the biggest bear hug for writing this and for sharing it.  It has sparked within me a new will to start over. Letting go of the past allows me to start out on a new path. I have no control over the outcome and I am not afraid.  I will ground myself in all the love that surrounds me and know that it is enough.

I really hope that more women feel empowered to set their biological clock to their own pace and are relieved of the constant ticking.


Don't forget to stop by the Stirrup Queens site for great info, links and blogs!

On a Lighter Note....

Well, I've shared a lot of heartbreak and frustration... it's time to start talking about some of the funny stuff. These are a few of the moments that I look back on and smile.

On an October day in 2007 I was caught speeding down the Northway on my way to  IUI#2. The clinic we went to is in the Albany area; about a one hour and 20 minute drive one way.  An IUI is an artificial insemination. Sperm is collected from the male and then injected thru a catheter into the female.

Often, S and I drove to our appointments separately so that we could each go about the work day afterward.  This particular morning I got out the door a few minutes late.  I tried to make up the time but encountered not only traffic but road work.  I was paying more attention to the clock than I was to the speedometer.  S had been to the clinic at 7 that morning to "donate" and I was scheduled for the 9am "deposit" (yes, very romantic!)  The procedure HAS to be done within a certain amount of time and I knew I was pushing it.  And so, my lead foot got a little heavy . 

I saw the lights behind me, pulled over to the side of the road and thought to myself... when he asks me where I am headed and why I am in such a hurry..... what do I tell him?
 
I thought if I told him the truth, while it may be a little embarrassing, he might have a good chuckle at the thought of a woman racing to the fertility clinic to "pick up" what her husband had left behind.  I thought this might put him in a better mood.  Heck, maybe he would even sympathize, put his ticket book away and give me a police escort.  Can you imagine... Everyone get out of the way!! This woman is trying to conceive!!

No such luck.  When he asked where I was going; I responded honestly. He didn't even flinch.  He didn't understand my urgency or even see the humor. Heck, he probably hears it all.   He wrote me a ticket for the full speed and sent me on my way.  I still made it to the clinic in time for the procedure, but learned to leave the house a little earlier on important mornings such as these.

Going through IUI procedures and hormone treatments that are required can make it hard to make plans.

The summer of 2009 we were again determined and signed up for another round of IUI's. One of my very good friends was getting married and she asked me to take the photos.  I was thrilled and agreed! When the wedding day came along we were knee deep in the regimen of injectable medications and ultra-sounds.

It is essential to take these meds around the same time each day.  I knew I would need to go up to our hotel room at a certain time to give myself the shot.  I kept looking for the best opportunity to take a little break.  After the introductions and the first dance, I found the DJ and let him know that I would need be unavailable for at least 15 minutes. He said I was safe to leave. 

I ran up to our room, mixed the meds, injected them and came back downstairs.  I made no stops along the way.  When I returned, I walked through the doors into the room and heard a collective "there she is!" As it turned out they had been looking for me the entire time.  They were even announcing this over the sound system! I am not sure if there was some sort of break down in communication between the DJ's. or what but I was mortified to say the least.  I just wasn't comfortable telling everyone, "I was just up in our room injecting fertility hormones!" so I let them think I was goofing off somewhere... if they had only known! 

That same summer we were invited to a friends house for a Bar-B-Q.  Again, we had to bring the meds along. They have to be kept cool, so we packed a small cooler and the sharps container; and we were off. 

On the drive we joked that if we walked in with the cooler the hosts might assume it was food or beer and then we would have to explain.  To avoid this we literally snuck the cooler in the house (and then immediately out) in what I remember as nothing less than a 007 mission. 

No matter what we always had laughter.  These situations presented us with the opportunity to laugh at our selves AND the situation.  A sense of humor carried us through some really hard times then and it still gets us through today.  There is nothing better for heart and soul.

Don't forget to visit my friends at the Stirrup Queens page! Just click here!

The Roller Coaster ~

This is my 20th post! If you have been reading since #1 than you may be thinking... this girls gone crazy! If you are dealing with infertility than you just know.

It's the roller coaster.

Some days you are up, some days you are down.  Some days you are sure of yourself and your purpose and other days you question it all over again. 

The roller coaster is one of the most frustrating aspects of this for me.  I have ridden it with full abandon, hands in the air, open to whatever may happen. Other times I have plead for someone to just let me off the damn ride.

Even when I have reasoned that I may not be meant for motherhood....STILL I would jump for the opportunity. I just can't find true solid ground and I probably never will. 

My best friend and I were talking about this one day and she said that she can understand how I would be all over the place and feeling different things given different times and situations; and she was 100% right. 

Around the holidays I always think about having a child.  I imagine how much fun we would have celebrating the seasons and carrying on family traditions. When my birthday nears I can't help but think of each year gone as another notch. 

The passage of time; the dimming of any hope.

She suggested that I might feel even better about it as I get older and beyond my biological clock. She was totally right. There will come a point of absolute closure.

I am sure that my perspective will change. Will it be for better or worse is the question.  It will mark the true and final end of a journey. There will be no more questions.  No more wondering.  No more little voice.

What will I do then?

It's not the first time I have considered this.  The question has been in the back of my brain since the beginning and is one of the scariest things to consider.

Will I regret being so stubborn in my diligence to maintain my self worth?  Will I wish I had thrown my pride and dignity to the way side to accomplish the goal? What if the weight of this only truly hits me then.  What if these are all just  tremors and the earthquake is yet to come? What will I do when the coaster comes to a screeching halt and it's my turn to get off the ride for real and for good?

This fear of regret; it is my blind-spot.  It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Sure, I am happy now... but what about later? 

There is no answer to that question of course. It is an every day lesson in humility.  I didn't ask for this, I  can't control it and I can't change it.

All we can do is trust our instincts and carry on. I have no idea what will happen. I am just going to keep the faith that it will all make sense when I get there.


 

 
Looking for a great resource of information?  Check out Stirrup Queens! for the most concise and helpful infertility website on the Internet!!

Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space

I feel like my last post could use some clarification.  What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability.  That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure.  If I could; I'd like to take that back.  I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario.

This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different.  I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well.  I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space"  and most of us spend our lives seeking it. 

Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly  what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could.

A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it.  I may not be one of those people.  That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees.  Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future.  I am not an ogre who can't stand children.  

Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. 

 Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.

As I write that sentence; I cringe.  It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman  would begrudge motherhood?  Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold.

All the more reason to repeat my previous statement.

I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either.

Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite.  I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way.

Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more.  I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do.  At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted.  Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. 

That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.

 

Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming.  Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance.  There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example.  These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space."  The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. 

Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. 

Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are.