The (de)lusion that is control.

I've gained some (more) perspective and decided to adopt a new way of thinking (big surprise right!)

 

Over these 13 (count em!) years I've come to understand (and tried to process) a multitude of emotions. There have been moments of hope and excitement that were consistently followed by disappointment, frustration and anger.  To be fair we should probably mention the numbness that comes in between.

The negative emotions have (of course) been the strongest, most persistent and overall, the biggest challenge to (try) to overcome.  I can understand why people get grumpy as they get older. They've been burned somewhere (or multiple times) along the line. Life "shit" wears you down. When you are handed heartbreak it's tough work to resist the bitterness. We all get one rotten card in our hand; I suppose infertility is mine.

They say negative emotions can manifest externally. We develop behaviors and coping mechanisms in response... these things that pacify us... we cling to our habits and routines and most importantly we invest valuable resources to build those (internal) walls. The good, the bad and the ugly... the things that we rely on to get us through every day.  It can apply to any situation really, not just infertility.  

I've realized that in order to make up for a loss of control over one area of my life..I unconsciously focused all my energies on controlling whatever else I could.  No failure. No excuses.  I tend to take EVERYTHING pretty seriously. That has NOT kept me from failing along the way .... I'm just saying it's been me exhausting myself ... kinda like a gerbil on a wheel.   

 

It's starting to settle in that not everything is important. It doesn't really ALL matter. Not all battles are winnable. I am imperfect; I mess things up ALL the time... and that's ok.  Failure and disappointment are all a part of life. The sooner we learn what to do with them, the better off we are. This is why I believe it's so important for kids to play sports.   This is a life skill that can't be taught through anything but first hand experience.  Playing sports teaches us not only to push our limits and set goals but how to handle things when they don't go our way.

The result of my rigid self-expectations has been anxiety...which is ironic since anxiety is the LAST thing an infertile woman needs.  Anxiety is your bodies indication of fight or flight mode. When we want our body to reproduce it should be calm and feel safe. It is not likely that our cells will reproduce if they are completely distracted by survival. I don't have to do the research to know anxiety and obsessive behaviors are common in women dealing with any infertility diagnoses. I am not alone in this and I guess it all just comes along with the territory

I cope with the anxiety by way of O.C.D. Which is where all that perfecting business comes into play. I tend to be fixated with my environment... the placement of things, the food I eat and how much excercise I get. If I don't feel in control of these area's of my life... and I can't move something, clean something, organize something, eat something I approve of or get a work out in like planned... well, that's when the anxiety rears its ugly head.

 

In reality, I know we have absolutely no control of anything around us.  We CAN try and we may even win some of the battles.... but the mission is futile, the war WILL wage on.  Eventually, we all succumb to the exhaustion ... which is right where I've found myself.  I've motivated myself right out of motivation. When I could (and should) be happy with progress I am focusing on perfection and that has got to change.

If anxiety is the result of a deep sense of fear and fear is driven by perceived loss, we can easily tie the idea of that loss to an expectation.   It seems in order to squash the anxiety I need to figure out how to squash my expectations. 

The bad news for me is that there is no clear action I can take to change the infertility situation. I can only fumble through on instinct and work to manage my thoughts and perspective. Win, lose or draw; it's all up to me.  Part of me is content and proud of what I have been able to accomplish so far... excited to see all that will come ahead... kids or no kids.  There is another part of me that simply fears reaching the day when this really isn't an option anymore and having regrets. I've been operating from the vision of that future day... not the one I am currently living. And this too can apply to so many things.. not just infertiilty. 

It is critical (and I struggle with this one a lot) to keep HOPE carefully tempered by the acceptance of what is.  Make peace with the present, as well as the things that cannot be changed within it. How can we know any ounce of true happiness until we learn how to accept life's defeats with a grateful heart. 

It's one thing to hear someone say it and know that it's truth, it's another to feel it in your bones. When you know in your soul that even though you wish for better days ahead, this day is just as beautiful simply because it is NOW.  This very second is all we have. We may not have the power to change anything around us, we do posess the power to control our own perspective.... to feel the anger and frustration and turn it into gratitude. Failure IS how we learn. 

The way I see it, I have only one choice.. find the lesson and apply it to my life in broad strokes.

All these years I have been trying to figure out what it is to truly "let go."  Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong.  Maybe it's not that we let go, but that we learn to hang on to the right things. Maybe it just so happens that the right things are lighter than the burdens and biterness, making them that much easier to carry and to keep moving forward. And because we can only hold on to so many things at once, the negative loses it's signifigance as we focus on the good stuff along the way.  This doesn't mean pretending we have never been broken.  Broken seems to be a fact of life. The difference seems to be that some hang on to the darkness and others cling to the light. We are the only ones who can control which we choose.

I have to trust that I am on the right path and at just the right pace. I will remind myself every day that I am enough and moving the salt shaker wont change the outcome of anything. I will always be a work in progress.  It's an every day mission and some days are better than others. Once we peel back some of the layers we are able to address what lies beneath with new a perspective. It is irrational to fear a future regret... I do not live in the future, only anxiety lives there. When I get to the future, I trust that I will be a different person, with a different perspective and I will know that I did the best I could with what I had.  In any situation in life.. that is all we can do.   

 

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!

Stay well out there!
In love & light,
Shannon

It's been a long year.

I haven't written in some time.... this year has been one that I haven't really been able to digest just yet.  I honestly believe I am still processing a lot of 2014... and it may be a while (if ever) before I can  make sense of it all.

My father is gone. With him went pieces of me that I didn't even know existed before I lost them.  That's the closest I can come to putting it into words.  He is gone and EVERYTHING is different.

 

In November of 2013 he was diagnosed with cancer and in July he passed.  While I am thankful that his suffering was not prolonged; I am still in this state of disbelief and probably text book denial.  Even though my brain knows this is the new reality, my heart has the hardest time accepting it.  Grief... never ends.

My niece; who had a very special relationship with my father will grow up without him.  To her, he will always be her "grandpy in heaven." IF S & I somehow manage to have a family, our children will simply never know him. 


Here is what the loss of a loved one and the loss of fertility have in common:  the loss of the future as you had imagined it.  It changes your reality in so many ways.

Dad always believed we'd have children.  We never talked about it ..... until one day I let my negativity take over. I spewed something out in conversation about how I'd never have a family.... and I will never forget his words or how it felt when they touched my heart. 

"You are going to have kids" he said.  Really stern and fatherly like.  It was clear that he believed it and for a second he made me believe it! He's my dad.  If HE thought so ....than it could truly be!

I still hope so much for him to be right.  I just wish that he could be here to see that day.  Pigs will fly, cows will come home and hell will probably be iced over. I would be filled with joy for an answer to our prayers; but it would certainly be bitter sweet because my children won't be able to call him Grandpy.  It seems NOTHING will ever feel pure and truly joyful ever again.

This is life.   I know that I should really be feeling thankful.  I had 33 years WITH my father and that is more than some.   I know that things could always be worse.  Perspective is useful in keeping one sane, it does not necessarily take away the pain.  We all experience loss; and grief comes over time and in a gazillion different ways.  That phone call you would have made but can't; the gift you would have bought but can not give.  With each passing event the loss becomes more and more real.  Some say it gets easier with time; I disagree.... it gets harder.

Regardless of our feelings, time marches on.  It has no concern for our comfort within it.  Frozen, numb, anxious or fearful; we really have no choice but to carry on.  The next hour, minute, second... it's all we truly have to hold onto. One minute is all it takes to change your life forever.  That is the only thing that really matters.

So why worry?  Why search for answers where there are NONE.  There is nothing I can change or fix. After 10+ years of checking it all off the list .... including what I told myself were "breaks" where I "let it all go" ..... I've just never really figured out how to do it... how to TRULY let it go. I HAVE tried....it seems impossible NOT to hope. It's that "you never know" kind of thing. Like that couple you know/heard of who got pregnant after 10 years/adopted/stopped trying. Through all of the buried anger/frustration/grief somehow I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be looking forward to meeting our very own little one. You just never know...  our own dreams just MIGHT accidentally come true. Every time I catch myself in this day dream, I know I am in trouble for I have not at all "let it go." 

I've driven myself bonkers trying to find answers. While I HAVE learned a lot of valuable things... there isn't anything I can "do" to make this a reality.  I have to put my faith in the belief that.... if there were answers; they would be clear to me. So, I said to myself......  "Self, where do we go from here? How will you ever get around this without ending up certifiably insane?"

I don't think it's as simple as letting go of the hope for a baby.  I think it's bigger than that.  I have to let go of my expectations of the future.  I have to accept each moment, each day as the blessing that it is.  I have to appreciate what I have been given without constantly wondering... "when will it be my turn?"  I thought that it would get easier as I got older.... and once again... I thought wrong.





So, this year I will work a little harder at acceptance and gratitude.  Wish me luck!

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens webpage for more blogs and info!



~Shannon

Thank You.

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to write about. What is valid? What haven't I already said? What can the reader connect with no matter what their fertility status is?  

I keep coming back to the same mantra.  Embrace what is. You are more than your ability to reproduce. Maybe every post NEEDS to include this message.  Maybe repetition is the only way for it to truly sink in.

I have purged so much over these last couple of months that I feel emptied. Writing this blog has brought healing in ways I never expected. One afternoon; I dared myself to click "publish." Ever since I have been confronting things that I thought I had "let go" of long ago. I was simply procrastinating the inevitable. 

We build walls.  It is the best mechanism of defense there is.  Nothing can hurt you if you refuse to feel it. Throughout this journey I experienced disappointments that resulted in the construction of a wall so big that nothing could penetrate it. When struggles came along the way, I threw them over that wall, into the heap and went on with my day.  I went on this way because the only other choice was unimaginable.  I promised myself this would never break me. Avoidance seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The trouble with walls is that over time they can be worn down. When that happens those feelings are waiting right there on the other side where you left them. It turns out feelings can be very patient.

Eventually, you have to be able to see things for what they are and not what you want them to be.  Opening this subject to a public audience has forced me to not only open my eyes but to tear down that wall and open up my heart.  This is the difference between observation and comprehension.

So, with all of my defenses torn away it all comes rushing in. It is a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have been collected over time.  My suspicion is that this coping mechanism allows us to delay dealing with painful things until we are strong enough to sort through it all. 

The day I clicked that button, I decided that I was done participating in this group consensus of motherhood equating to womanhood.  It may not be the last time I hear that there is no greater happiness than parenthood; but I am done believing it.

 

I've heard that if you don't stand for something; you fall for everything. I felt it was time to speak up.  I have been through every medical exam available, months of hormone treatments, five failed IUI's.  We completed the foster care certification process only to meet an obstacle at every turn.  Adopting through a private agency is not only another heart wrenching process but unattainable financially unless we want to take on a considerable amount of debt.   No matter what we have tried the answer has always been the same. Yet, I am still here. Disappointment's may have knocked me down; but I never gave up the fight to experience happiness and gratitude (even if it is out of spite) and I never will.

I have received feedback that some of these posts have really helped people.  It may have brought comfort to know that they are not alone.  It may have caused them to think of things a little differently. To write it has been incredibly liberating. The salvation of self is like a ripple in a body of water; no matter how small, it effects the entire pond.

Somehow, I turned the tables. Infertility used to own me. By using my voice I gained power.  Now, it feels more like I own it.  Being able to use this experience to help others, well that gives more meaning to it than I could have ever imagined.  It is proof that there IS reason behind something that I've never been able to rationalize. 

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank you for reading. 
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for all of your love and support.

~Shannon


For great information on infertility and some awesome blogs check out Stirrup Queens!