This mountain....

I haven't written since the birth of our sweet D in April! It's now October.  We are almost 6 months in to this parenting thing... and our baby is growing so fast!  I've been wanting to get back to writing for some time.  Part of the problem is things happen faster than I can process them!  I've been keeping a journal for this reason.  But, I saw this note and it resonated.

I thought I was going to wrap this blog up, put a neat little bow on it and put it away; as if it was something I could just move on from with the birth of our child.  Even going so far as to title my last post "our happily ever after." I'm sure people roll their eyes and wonder if I will ever stop talking about this.  Who knew? I wont! This just doesn't work like that.

The mark of infertility is one that will always be with us - even after we managed to get the monkey off of our back with a successful pregnancy.  It is the base line that we will always return to.... because it was our baseline for so long.  In my situation it is ingrained so deep I am still not sure when I will actually believe that D is here and he is ours. I STILL feel like I am living in a dream.

After D's birth, I took a 12 week leave from work.  I soaked up every second with my newborn. And I mean EVERY second. I took WAY too many pictures. I was as obsessive as one can be. I filled two 300+ photo albums before he was even 3 months old! (the gig will be up when I pull those out ....he is going to know just how nutty his momma is!)  I could spend hours just rocking him in his nursery. We would read books and take the dogs for long walks.  It was heaven.

I was obnoxiously happy to be taking care of our little miracle.  But, I also felt an immense sense of loss with each passing day.  D will most likely be my only baby so I had a white knuckle death grip on time.  As if I could somehow manipulate the clock into stopping somehow. The irony does not escape me.  Life is not meant to stay stagnant.  I know this. That was one of the things I disliked about life before D. Every day was always the same in a lot of ways.  Life after D is now in a constant state of change.  No two days are the same. And this is exactly what I had wished for, yet I just wanted it to slow down so I could savor it just a little longer.

By taking all those photos I was trying to hold on as well as prove to myself this was all REALLY happening.  I took "soaking up every second" so seriously that it created that sense of loss. I got so caught up in focusing on the fact that I would never have those sweet baby moments back again that I completely lost sight of all the awesome things we have to look forward to.

It was the same when I got pregnant - I couldn't relax.  We had two embryos successfully implant, then, we lost one. D remained and they assured me he was healthy and thriving.  When we found his heartbeat I was relieved but still... constantly worried about miscarriage. For 10 months, I was just waiting for the disappointment.  This, my friends is the result of telling yourself you don't deserve something. I did that for many years.  I conditioned my mind in order to cope with a reality I felt I had to accept. It's the sort of thought process that will probably take many years to reverse.

I refused to even think about daycare until the night before his first day. I knew that this was the best decision for our family and my child would be well taken care of. Those considerations had been made during pregnancy.  Still, that morning, I felt my heart crack.  Our little bubble was popped and I caught myself feeling a deep sadness and overwhelming anxiety.

I love mommy-hood. This felt like giving up my baby.  I had to remind myself that he was still MINE and I would pick him up at the end of the day. That may sound preposterous to you. Of course, intellectually I know he is my child. But emotionally it's been hard to convince myself that this new happiness that I have found is here to stay.  This baby is FINALLY in my arms.  Asking me to drop him off somewhere else to be cared for is like asking me to cut off my right foot.  However, it was irrational to believe that we could remain in our bubble indefinitely. Reality being what it is and all.

This has always manifested as anxiety. I tend to get caught up in a whirlwind of irrational thoughts and worry about $hit that doesn't matter.  I obsess.  Occasionally, I drive the people around me nuts.

Because the anxiety is well documented in my medical chart, we were repetitively educated about PPD before we left the hospital.  One nurse, who had had a 20 year battle with infertility herself, assured me that yes, it was possible to suffer with PPD even though you had wanted this so badly and for so long. We listened, we took note of their advice and inside I thought, "you don't understand people, I am CURED now!"  And once again, I am here to say... I was wrong.

S would tell you I am happier than I have ever been.  AND he is absolutely, 100% correct... I AM. To be clear, I do NOT suffer from PPD, but with each milestone I find my anxieties reaching up from where I buried them...trying to rob me of my joy.

So, I fight them off.  Every.damn.day.

I have learned that I have to be my own best friend.  I have to sit myself down for pep talks and reality checks. By recognizing and correcting those irrational thoughts I tame the beast.  I know my anxieties will never be "cured." This is just another part of parenthood.  There are so many more anxiety triggers with a child than without. This is really just the beginning. All parents cope with anxiety on some level. My lens is just colored by infertility.  All that we have been through has given me the tools I need to better manage that anxiety. I just need to stay mindful of it.

I honestly thought pregnancy was the end of our infertility story.  The truth is... it will always be there, forcing me to ask myself if I am truly worthy, and when will this all be taken away? That's OK, I welcome that voice.  It makes me a better mother than I would have been without the struggle.  The challenges of parenthood will always be a gift to me.   I will never forget the mountain that we moved and I will always appreciate this beautiful boy with the luminous smile who has made me a Mommy.

My past posts are the result of going to hell and back again and trying to rationalize all of it. Attempting to find logic where there is none. We gave up countless times only to try again.  Over, under, around and through, ... we heard "no" multiple times and in a variety of ways. Sometimes "no" just means "not now" for reasons that you (or I) will never understand.    

If you are out there wondering and waiting please keep this story close to your heart.  If you told me a few years ago that today I'd be holding this joyful baby boy, I'd have a hard time believing you.  You will find your way, those mountains WILL move.  You just have to keep the faith and remain determined.  The only way to lose the battle is to give up fighting.  Your happy ending may not be exactly what you had imagined .. it may actually be better!   

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens web page for more blogs and info!

In love and light.. 

~Shannon

Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space

I feel like my last post could use some clarification.  What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability.  That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure.  If I could; I'd like to take that back.  I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario.

This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different.  I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well.  I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space"  and most of us spend our lives seeking it. 

Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly  what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could.

A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it.  I may not be one of those people.  That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees.  Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future.  I am not an ogre who can't stand children.  

Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. 

 Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.

As I write that sentence; I cringe.  It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman  would begrudge motherhood?  Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold.

All the more reason to repeat my previous statement.

I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either.

Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite.  I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way.

Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more.  I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do.  At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted.  Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. 

That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.

 

Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming.  Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance.  There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example.  These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space."  The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. 

Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. 

Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are.  

Bittersweet

There have been times when I have wondered “why me?”  This is not a pity party I throw for myself.  I wouldn’t trade my challenges with anyone. I know that they were given to me for a reason. The emphasis is on the matter of “why” more than the fact that it’s “me.”  

This disease is diagnosed as unexplained.  Meaning everything is working properly; but yet it’s not working at all.  There is nothing that can be fixed. Today, we are all pretty accustomed to getting what we want.  This is the hardest work; to accept that there is no one I can call; no specialist or technician I can hire to show up and make the repair(s) that may be needed to mend what has been broken.  There is no obvious solution to an “I don’t know.”

Infertility has forced me to look within. I have always had this feeling that it isn’t a medical issue at all.  Somewhere along the way it became more spiritual to me.  I have a feeling that this is something that I have to go through to learn an important lesson.  A lesson that will transcend my existence beyond anything that I can conceive before it is realized (pun INtended).

Every day that I wake up is an opportunity to learn.  Every day, I wake up more aware.  This is preparing me to be a better mother.  Not a better mother in comparison to other mothers; but a better mother than I could have been the day before. Had my wish been granted immediately; I wouldn’t have had as much to offer back then as I do now.  I will have even more to offer tomorrow.

We’ve all had our paths changed along the way.   There are futures that we may have believed in and they fell apart at no fault of our own. Diversions can be interpreted as a failure.  When really, our paths are changed in life because even though we thought we knew what was best for us; we were wrong.  We must open our eyes to the possibility that lies beyond the disappointment, rather than wallow in our sorrows until we get what we want.  To sacrifice your joy for what is unknown would be the saddest part of it all.  There may be moments of frustration, but more than anything, when I am old and gray and I look back on my life I want to be able to say that I have truly lived.  I will not die inside of disappointment.   I will seize every experience and opportunity that comes my way. 

On the matter of the “me” in that question; I believe this challenge was given to me because deep down inside I know what to do with it.  I just have to dig deep enough to discover it.  It is possible to take the bitter and turn it sweet. All you have to do is believe.