This mountain....

I haven't written since the birth of our sweet D in April! It's now October.  We are almost 6 months in to this parenting thing... and our baby is growing so fast!  I've been wanting to get back to writing for some time.  Part of the problem is things happen faster than I can process them!  I've been keeping a journal for this reason.  But, I saw this note and it resonated.

I thought I was going to wrap this blog up, put a neat little bow on it and put it away; as if it was something I could just move on from with the birth of our child.  Even going so far as to title my last post "our happily ever after." I'm sure people roll their eyes and wonder if I will ever stop talking about this.  Who knew? I wont! This just doesn't work like that.

The mark of infertility is one that will always be with us - even after we managed to get the monkey off of our back with a successful pregnancy.  It is the base line that we will always return to.... because it was our baseline for so long.  In my situation it is ingrained so deep I am still not sure when I will actually believe that D is here and he is ours. I STILL feel like I am living in a dream.

After D's birth, I took a 12 week leave from work.  I soaked up every second with my newborn. And I mean EVERY second. I took WAY too many pictures. I was as obsessive as one can be. I filled two 300+ photo albums before he was even 3 months old! (the gig will be up when I pull those out ....he is going to know just how nutty his momma is!)  I could spend hours just rocking him in his nursery. We would read books and take the dogs for long walks.  It was heaven.

I was obnoxiously happy to be taking care of our little miracle.  But, I also felt an immense sense of loss with each passing day.  D will most likely be my only baby so I had a white knuckle death grip on time.  As if I could somehow manipulate the clock into stopping somehow. The irony does not escape me.  Life is not meant to stay stagnant.  I know this. That was one of the things I disliked about life before D. Every day was always the same in a lot of ways.  Life after D is now in a constant state of change.  No two days are the same. And this is exactly what I had wished for, yet I just wanted it to slow down so I could savor it just a little longer.

By taking all those photos I was trying to hold on as well as prove to myself this was all REALLY happening.  I took "soaking up every second" so seriously that it created that sense of loss. I got so caught up in focusing on the fact that I would never have those sweet baby moments back again that I completely lost sight of all the awesome things we have to look forward to.

It was the same when I got pregnant - I couldn't relax.  We had two embryos successfully implant, then, we lost one. D remained and they assured me he was healthy and thriving.  When we found his heartbeat I was relieved but still... constantly worried about miscarriage. For 10 months, I was just waiting for the disappointment.  This, my friends is the result of telling yourself you don't deserve something. I did that for many years.  I conditioned my mind in order to cope with a reality I felt I had to accept. It's the sort of thought process that will probably take many years to reverse.

I refused to even think about daycare until the night before his first day. I knew that this was the best decision for our family and my child would be well taken care of. Those considerations had been made during pregnancy.  Still, that morning, I felt my heart crack.  Our little bubble was popped and I caught myself feeling a deep sadness and overwhelming anxiety.

I love mommy-hood. This felt like giving up my baby.  I had to remind myself that he was still MINE and I would pick him up at the end of the day. That may sound preposterous to you. Of course, intellectually I know he is my child. But emotionally it's been hard to convince myself that this new happiness that I have found is here to stay.  This baby is FINALLY in my arms.  Asking me to drop him off somewhere else to be cared for is like asking me to cut off my right foot.  However, it was irrational to believe that we could remain in our bubble indefinitely. Reality being what it is and all.

This has always manifested as anxiety. I tend to get caught up in a whirlwind of irrational thoughts and worry about $hit that doesn't matter.  I obsess.  Occasionally, I drive the people around me nuts.

Because the anxiety is well documented in my medical chart, we were repetitively educated about PPD before we left the hospital.  One nurse, who had had a 20 year battle with infertility herself, assured me that yes, it was possible to suffer with PPD even though you had wanted this so badly and for so long. We listened, we took note of their advice and inside I thought, "you don't understand people, I am CURED now!"  And once again, I am here to say... I was wrong.

S would tell you I am happier than I have ever been.  AND he is absolutely, 100% correct... I AM. To be clear, I do NOT suffer from PPD, but with each milestone I find my anxieties reaching up from where I buried them...trying to rob me of my joy.

So, I fight them off.  Every.damn.day.

I have learned that I have to be my own best friend.  I have to sit myself down for pep talks and reality checks. By recognizing and correcting those irrational thoughts I tame the beast.  I know my anxieties will never be "cured." This is just another part of parenthood.  There are so many more anxiety triggers with a child than without. This is really just the beginning. All parents cope with anxiety on some level. My lens is just colored by infertility.  All that we have been through has given me the tools I need to better manage that anxiety. I just need to stay mindful of it.

I honestly thought pregnancy was the end of our infertility story.  The truth is... it will always be there, forcing me to ask myself if I am truly worthy, and when will this all be taken away? That's OK, I welcome that voice.  It makes me a better mother than I would have been without the struggle.  The challenges of parenthood will always be a gift to me.   I will never forget the mountain that we moved and I will always appreciate this beautiful boy with the luminous smile who has made me a Mommy.

My past posts are the result of going to hell and back again and trying to rationalize all of it. Attempting to find logic where there is none. We gave up countless times only to try again.  Over, under, around and through, ... we heard "no" multiple times and in a variety of ways. Sometimes "no" just means "not now" for reasons that you (or I) will never understand.    

If you are out there wondering and waiting please keep this story close to your heart.  If you told me a few years ago that today I'd be holding this joyful baby boy, I'd have a hard time believing you.  You will find your way, those mountains WILL move.  You just have to keep the faith and remain determined.  The only way to lose the battle is to give up fighting.  Your happy ending may not be exactly what you had imagined .. it may actually be better!   

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens web page for more blogs and info!

In love and light.. 

~Shannon

on authenticity....

My last post was one that was hard to write and probably even harder to relate to. Especially if you are a parent.  I get it, I really do.  Trouble is, my perspective is a bit shrouded as much as I have always tried to deny it.

This blog has been a platform for transformation.  I've always written to myself, but never have I opened all my deepest, sometimes darkest thoughts and feelings to be viewed by the general public.  It is the equivalent of getting on stage naked, opening the door for all to judge.  It is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. 

It can be a freeing experience... but you have to be confident enough to know that just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't make you wrong. You focus on the connection with those readers who can relate, those readers who you may help.

Why do I keep clicking the publish button? 

 #1:  Those of us affected by infertility are everywhere... but we don't know it.  No one is walking around with a sign that says... "I can't make babies, no matter how hard I try." I do it because they are out there and they may be comforted by the fact that I am out here too.  Being an avid reader, I have survived some of the hardest times of my life by burying myself in a book.  It has worked as both a distraction from whatever current misery I was experiencing and it has served to guide me. I have met characters that have been through the same things or even worse.  I have felt huge gasps of relief when I read something and realized that I'm not the only one.  If I can bring that type of relief to just one person, than mission accomplished.

#2: I do it for me.  I do it because I know that this project, above all others has forced my growth. Each entry is a meditation.  Some of these perspectives may not be "right" by popular opinion, but that is not always the goal.  The promise that I made to my readers (and to myself) when I began was honesty and as hard as that may be at times, I still remain committed to the good, the bad and the ugly.

At the same time, I've used a lot of energy denying anger, confusion and frustration.  I never wanted them to see the light of day.  As you may have read, I swore I'd never be "that" girl.  You know, the one who could admit that her dreams were not coming true and she's damn pissed about it (and why SHOULDN'T she be)??  This is a question I've only been able to ask myself most recently. In all of my spouting off about being grateful and accepting things as they are, I neglected to consider that my way of coping may not have been the most productive or even healthy.  That maybe "that girl" had it right.  She accepted her anger and she was shameless about it.  While I refused to admit I HAD feelings like these...and in the end, jokes on me, my shame has been holding me hostage.

As we all kinda know, denying our feelings does not make them go away.  Sometimes, the harder we try to stuff something down the worse it can be when it comes back up.  And it will ALWAYS come back up. 

Writing this has meant processing all of those things I have refused to face over these years.  The ugly emotions may not be charming or funny, but they are human and most importantly, they are real.  And for all the times I have spoken of letting something go.... well..... how do you let it go when it's stuck down deep, right where you buried it? 

I suppose the only choice I have IS to dig it all up, let it all out and I hope in the end that means REALLY letting it all go.  Having never realized that my shame stemmed not from infertility but from the negative emotions I had in regard to it.... this is my new mantra....... authenticity....so, "in your face" shame!

Through these entries I have had to see myself from the outside, identify some of my blind spots, confront my transgressions and develop a better understanding of all of it. I have challenged my own way of thinking and it's been a work in progress....200%.  Because of this, I remain confident that my best days are in front of me.

Those of you given the gift of parenthood really have it so much easier in so many ways.  There is no denying your purpose in life.  There is no questioning why you need to get out of bed in the morning.  You have a built-in escape hatch from life's drudgery.... if you've had a bad day all you really need to do is talk or play with your child to be reminded of life's simplicity, fun & beauty. 

When my father passed away... things got dark. Having my three year old niece around was a profound relief on my heavy heart.   When she wasn't nearby I longed to see her. She brought light where I couldn't find my own.  So yeah, I get it.  Just being in the presence of a child brings you to a higher level of love and a feeling of basic joy.  Thing is, I didn't need to be a mother to experience that or appreciate it.  On my list of losses are experiences moms take for granted completely.  The overall message of my last post was this.... please, don't add love to the list too. 

It's not that easy for those of us on the infertile spectrum... or should I just say "me" if I'm really going to own it? ....... he hem,  it's not that easy for ME to watch everyone around me move on in their lives. Yes, I get frustrated when I hear people complain about either being a parent or the three months of "torture" it took them to get pregnant.  It's not easy for me to sit back and just be patient, because as so many have tried to reassure me... that's all I have to do. (HA!).  How's 13 years of patient for you?  That ship sailed.  I have to dig deeper to find that reason to get out of bed every morning. 

I am still looking for that all encompassing purpose in my life.  There are days that this sort of existence can just leave you spinning.  Being grateful is one way to answer that - and it's always been my go-to but it doesn't always comes easy.  Heck, it really NEVER comes easy.  It's just that some days are better than others.

Don't forget to check out Stirrup Queens web page for more blogs and info!

~Shannon