Not the Momma..... Part II: The Perfect Space

I feel like my last post could use some clarification.  What I intended to be about the value of those that do not parent; may have been communicated as a statement of feared inability.  That was not what I really intended. I think I know which sentence may have done it..... the one referring to "shortcomings;" and I guess I broke my #1 rule by connecting struggle with failure.  If I could; I'd like to take that back.  I recognize that given time and adjustments I could succeed in raising a child. However, I may have stumbled upon the realization that motherhood and parenting may not be my best case scenario.

This experience gave me a new perspective on what life would be like if things were different.  I saw the pieces of myself I would have to set aside and that didn't necessarily settle well.  I guess I am particularly attached to those pieces. We all have a "perfect space"  and most of us spend our lives seeking it. 

Life is completely different without kids and this was a peek into exactly  what changes when children come along. Being responsible for a little human requires letting go of parts of myself that I may not WANT to sacrifice. Even if I could.

A lot of people truly enjoy parenting. They crave it and they delight in it.  I may not be one of those people.  That's an important realization. One that flips the perspective 360 degrees.  Don't get me wrong; I totally enjoyed the time with my niece and I look forward to doing it again in the future.  I am not an ogre who can't stand children.  

Did I over analyze it? Maybe. In my defense some things need to be observed and evaluated. I would rather scrutinize something than neglect to see the lesson. This definitely taught me some things about myself that I really needed to see. 

 Motherhood could lead to happiness but it also poses a very real risk of leading to misery.

As I write that sentence; I cringe.  It sounds a little harsh right? What kind of woman  would begrudge motherhood?  Thinking that just proves I am still.. even if just a little...stuck in the cycle. Still believing that I need to fit the mold.

All the more reason to repeat my previous statement.

I am not a mother, I am not sorry; and you shouldn't be either.

Though, it is a valid point that should be considered. The decision to reproduce carries with it a great deal of risk. The baby could be born with birth defects. The mother could get sick carrying or delivering the child. You could give up your whole self; putting all you have into the goal of raising a productive and respectful citizen; just to see them grow up to become the opposite.  I wonder how the mothers of criminals must feel when they realize what their children are capable of and it's probably safe to bet that most never intended for their children to develop in such a way.

Maybe I wasn't given the choice because I could have made the wrong one. When I think back to when I was younger; (when instinct still over-ruled any of society's conditioning) I remember playing "house" along with the other kids but I liked "banker" and playing outside way more.  I don't remember daydreaming about becoming a mother or getting excited about how many children I would have one day like some women do.  At the same time, I did expect it as the natural progression of things. I took it for granted.  Like so many times in life ... you don't appreciate a choice until it is not yours to make. 

That being said; what if this isn't a case of fertility being taken; but that infertility is given? A free pass. A "get out of parenthood free" card. I know, it's rather easy for me to sit here and proclaim that I don't want children when I don't actually have the choice to make but I'd rather see it for the blessing it can be than a loss I need to defend.

 

Things are different now. Some might call it changing but it feels more like becoming.  Discovering a part of the person I have always been, but didn't know was missing. And it is starting to settle in. I am living this moment IN my best possible circumstance.  There are a lot of things that I could do; grow a mustache, own a parakeet or become a nun for example.  These things may not actually lead me to my "perfect space."  The will to do something does not equate to it's necessity. 

Parents are blessed with children; and the child-free are blessed in their own way. We should take pride in this just the same. This is our reality; and we shouldn't feel shameful or guilty for loving our lives just as much as a person who chooses to become a mother or father. 

Each path is different. Both contain their own bumps along the way and they also possess unique beauty. The way I see it; you can either wish away your journey or you can soak up the sun in your own experience; in this very moment, just the way you are.  

Don't Let It Break Your Heart

I never wanted to be defined "that infertile girl."

What I am coming to realize is that it may be inevitable.  This disease has had a part in making me the person that I am. Mistakes, faults and vices; I am proud of the person I am today.  Why not let it define me? Why not embrace it for exactly what it is? Sometimes, in the way of our peace stands our pride. Denying my fate only allows it's circumstance to own me.  By taking pride in reality with a heart wide open; I, in fact, own it.

I have always been conscious to never place all my fulfillment in the goal of becoming pregnant. I understand how it can consume you and I have stopped to mourn along the way. But when I really felt the walls caving in around me I found something to focus my attentions on. It built my confidence in the fact that bearing a child is not a mandatory experience in living a happy life. When you feel the grips of sadness creeping in, turn your attentions outward. Not so much that you lose touch with yourself, but just enough so that you don't become consumed by it. Frankly, you have to get out of your own head from time to time.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record.... being a parent is a very important job but it's not the only important job. If we were all given the same purpose what purpose would there be?  There are important things to be accomplished. Things that matter to the world, just as parenthood does. Even if you never have children; you can still leave this world better than you found it.

So many people chase dreams that tear them down. Look at the cases of lottery winners who's lives crumble once their dreams comes true.   They lose more in the end than they ever stood to gain.   This is proof that being granted your biggest wish does not lead to ultimate and everlasting happiness. 

We are proud when we have achieved goals we believe make us special and worthy. It is only the loss of this satisfaction that causes us sadness.  When you cannot find a way to change your reality; you change your mind. Let go of fear and hold on to grace.  It isn't always a case of something that needs to be fixed rather than embraced. Once you turn your perceived loss into a gain you grasp the control that feels so out of your reach. 

 

 

When you start to ask yourself these questions, when you start to re-think your belief system, you may hear your ego reason...  "because everyone else is." We struggle with entitlement and being left behind. It feels a little bit like you've been sidelined from the game of life. Benched indefinitely. 

I wasn't a very athletic teenager. When I did play team sports I spent a lot of time on that bench.  I learned that even if we were on the sidelines we were still important to the game.  We were needed from time to time.  We offered support.   Of course I got frustrated and lost sight of the value. I resented that bench and wished that I was skilled enough to be one of those starting players. I wanted to feel the accomplishment of scoring a goal for the team! As an adult this is just as I have wished so many times to join the club of mommy-hood. 

For me, these wishes have not been granted. In the game that is life, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that we have lost altogether? I hope that it is impossible for you to answer that question with a yes. If you believe it's true I beg you to go back to the why?

There is always a possibility present regardless of whether or not we can bring ourselves to see it.

Our pride drives us to work for the things that we find value in.  Some things are just beyond our ability to create.  The fact that so many deny the joy in what is because we focus our happiness on expectations of the way things should be.  To me, this is where all of the heartbreak begins. 

I think of the couples out there who hit this road block and go their separate ways; hoping they can find someone else who they can reproduce with.  They refuse to accept that their future may not include parenthood and throw away the future that is their marriage. This is like the child who does not appreciate their gifts on Christmas morning because they are so consumed with the gifts they are missing.

For a long time I let my pride weigh me down as I perceived the infertility as failure.  I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be engrained into my person. These days, I am starting to take more pride in my child-free life. I love my freedom. 

The way I see it; this life is a puzzle. With every experience we find another piece. Each work in progress is beautiful in it's own way. We can't rush it's completion.  We can only be happy to be there at the table; searching for the pieces.  The joy we feel in discovering a piece that fits can sustain us through the frustration when the next piece eludes our senses. If you consistently measure your happiness by your success rate of granted wishes vs. missing pieces; you will simply always be wishing and you will never be truly happy. 

Keep living. Keep loving. Don't ever let it break your heart.

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